Epsilon: That can be said about most of the anime in existence, Blade.

Blade: Not Ranma! There the manga is better AND prettier!

Epsilon: Yes, but unfortunately, this isn't a review of Ranma 1/2. For that, people can just read the rest of the website.

Blade: Oh. Well...the anime's not bad, even if it does get really pretentious at times, worships guns like phallic symbols, and falls completely into incomprehensibility in the second half.

Epsilon: But once again, that can be said about most of the anime in existence. Or at least the ones made since Evangelion came out.

Blade: Hellsing's cooler than Evangelion. For instance, it has Alexander Anderson. He's cooler than an entire bushel of Evangelions all by himself. Psychotic killer Catholic priests rule.

Epsilon: Of course, he only appears in two episodes.

Blade: So Blade likes a minor villainous character. Boy, that's a big fricking surprise, isn't it? For more on that, go read Ani-chan in Futureland. Or hell, you could even just read The List.

Epsilon: AKA "The Thing Blade Came Up With To Feel Better After I Got A Theme Song".

Blade: Shut your mouth. Shut your damn dirty mouth, you filthy sack of drippings from a festering boil on a slug's ass!

Epsilon: Do slugs even have asses?

Blade: ANYway...we're rapidly running out of room to actually do the Hellsing review.

Epsilon: Okay, basically Hellsing is an interesting and stylish show about a vampire, his unwitting accomplice, and other random vampires they kill. Supposedly it has humans, too, but it's not like they do anything. B.

Blade: Well, that kind of ignores Integra, who is both important to the plotline, probably the most interesting character, and a true tower of testosterone amongst anime women. I like strong female characters, which gives this series some points from me even if it does also have Victoria Celes in it. B+.

Epsilon: Supposedly Celes is the main character, but I never saw any compelling evidence of that.

Blade: More that she was the "human interest". And she was actually human for about half of one episode, so I guess that counts.

Epsilon: Wait, we actually gave relevent information about the story!

Blade: We'd better end now before the trend continues!

...

Except to say that this series is much better if you just pretend everything after the Valentine Brothers doesn't exist, anyway.