A Concise, Unbiased Analysis Of Tenchi Muyo OAV 3

When I first heard that they were finally making OAV 3, I immediately said "this
is going to suck".

I was wrong. Mostly because I did not quite comprehend or vocalise how
INCREDIBLY HARD it was going to suck.

Of all the many, many sucky things about Tenchi OAV 3 (that is to say, "pretty
much all of them except for Airi, and y'know, chibi-Tokimi is cute"), the
suckiest of all is Noike.

God, I hate Noike. I hate Noike so much she somehow made me like Ryoko, who I
previously hated. More on that in a moment.

Noike is the epitome of the AIC Mary Sue character, the perfection and ultimate
culmination of what began with Qawoor, added to only more by the fact that the
creative team of OAV 3 ranged from "disinterested" to "actively hateful" of most
of the original cast, and Noike was how they expressed this

If Tenchi OAV 3 was a fanfic, it would be a terrible, shitty, Mary Sue fanfic
with way too many new characters and no plot resolution and terrible, horrible
writing and lack of focus. It would cause the unfortunate reader to question why
the author actually wrote a Tenchi fanfic, since they so obviously disliked the
series. To be fair, there's lots of fanfics like that. To be also fair, they all
suck. So in the grand tradition of this, I have poured my creative energies into
the following:

C&A Productions Presents

A Blatant Hatefic

"Ryoko the Beautiful Nice Ubermensch Gives That Hateful Goddamn Mary Sue Ass-
Pirate Noike What's Coming To Her"


It was a beautiful day in the Okayama prefecture. The Tenchi cast lived there,
but of course there weren't doing anything until Noike showed up, especially
Aeka. She showed up with her very attractive blue pickup truck, with another
very attractive new hairstyle, which everybody duly admired even if there wasn't
much reason for her to have gotten it. But it certainly made all of them feel
inferior to her, especially Aeka.

Noike proceeded to charm all of them, as well as you the reader. You love Noike.
You like her much better than any other member of the Tenchi cast, especially

Then Noike yelled at Mihoshi for doing something completely innocuous. Ha ha!
She prevented Mihoshi from being stupid. Just to prove how non-stupid she could
make Mihoshi, she also taught her quantum physics. That's how great she is. Aeka
and Ryoko were yelling at each other, and Noike made them stop... with KINDNESS.
Everybody smirked at how immature they were, especially Aeka. That is, Aeka is
immature, not that she was smirking at how immature she was. YOU are doing that.
At least until Noike pointed out how immature Aeka was being to Aeka, at which
point Aeka smirked at herself and promptly developed a migraine and went to lie
down. She did nothing for the rest of this story, or indeed, in any future
stories. Ever.

The Tenchi cast all sat down to dinner, which was prepared by Noike, of course.
She's also a great cook! Did we mention she has this magic spaceship that's
better than other Juraian spaceships? Also, she's like the reincarnation of
Kagato's female original clone or some shit? That's really cool, trust us.
Chibi-Tokimi likes Noike: you should too! So does God-Mother-Empress of Dune
Jurai, who really wasn't as impressive as she was cracked up to be, unlike
Noike, who was far more impressive than she cracks up to be. Or something.

Ha ha! She yelled at Mihoshi again. She is somehow making the author like
Mihoshi, and that's even harder than making the author like Ryoko. THAT'S how
awesome she is.

But wait, speak of the demon, there's Ryoko again! And she's drinking sake!

"Ha ha, Ryoko, you're so immature to be swaying around drunkenly like that,"
said Noike, kindly, in a manner that could (and in fact did) cause everyone else
to look at Ryoko and nod, thinking 'that is Wisdom!"

Washuu smirked. Washuu does that a lot in OAV 3. Washuu, in fact, basically does
nothing else.

At this point, Ryoko said, "Wait a goddamn minute. I just realised that you're
trying to take Tenchi from me! And I respond to that with violence!"

Noike laughed lightly, and said, "No, no, Ryoko. You're a nicer, kinder person
now, thanks to merging with some robot or some shit. Also, you're charmed by me
like everyone else, despite your best efforts."

Then Ryoko yelled, "I wasn't charmed by TSUNAMI! Besides, I'm drunk, and your
quoting of continuity angers and confuses me!"

Then she smashed the sake bottle on Noike's head. Noike decided it was a good
time to make peace, or perhaps reveal her awesomely cool superpowers, but was
distracted slightly by Ryoko grinding the shattered glass into her face until
all that was left was a bloody, twitching mess.

Then Ryo-ohki peed on her, because Ryo-ohki was drunk too. Later she realised
what a horrible thing she'd done and ate a carrot.

"Oh dear, you killed Noike!" Sasami said, and looked very sad. Then she went to
do the dishes.



(Stay tuned for the sequel: "I also hate Sasami, and Noike didn't do anything to
alleviate that.")