Why Kalia? That's a question I get asked a lot, or at least it's one I probably would get asked a lot, if anybody cared enough to ask, which they might, if I went around publicising my Kalia fanboydom as much as I do, say, my Pantyhose Tarou fanboydom, so that the character ended up identified more with me than with the series she actually appeared in (not, in this case, that that would necessarily be a bad thing). But I digress. Obviously you're at least vaguely interested in the question, given that you clicked on the link and have read this far, so I shall endeavour to answer it.

Why Kalia? Why, of all people to get obsessed with in El Hazard, did I pick the psycho underdeveloped android from one of the more universally despised sequels in all anime? Well, the answer to that should be obvious: she's the psycho android. With short hair. I have noted a mildly disturbing tendency on my part to become very fond of semi-robotic, mentally abnormal girls with short hair (see Kirika Yumura, Rei Ayanami, Lain Iwakura and Juni). Of course, that's an unsatisfactory answer, isn't it?

Why Kalia? Well, she was one of the three things that made El Hazard OAV2 worth watching; the other two, of course, being Princess Fatora and the fact Kaoru/Qawoor/Kah-wool Kawaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiii! had not yet been thought of. But Kalia-chan was the biggie. After all, she pretty much ran the series from the moment she appeared until her death, so if there was anything to like about the series, she pretty much had to be it.

"Yes," you say somewhat impatiently, "but WHY!?" Geez, touchy. I was getting to that, okay? Well, first, Kalia is not just any short-haired underdeveloped psychopathic android. She's a CUTE short-haired underdeveloped psychopathic android, and that makes all the difference. Not cute in a lolicon sense, despite those closeups of her bottom the animators apparently liked to show (presumably since, unlike Ifurita, she doesn't have the costume or the cleavage to show THOSE off). Cute in that more ethereal, rarified sense. Cute in such a way that she stands out from the crowd of inevitably cute women who show up in every Pioneer anime. Ah hell, she's cute 'cause she's cute, alright?

"But wait," I hear you say, "she isn't nearly so cute after she reveals that she's evil." Ah, but you miss the point. Yes, her cute moments do cut down quite a bit once she officially starts trying to destroy the universe, but her cuteness is replaced by something just as good: her evilness. Come on, didn't it make you want to cheer, just a little bit, when she wrenched that spineless sap Makoto to and fro like a puppet? If it didn't, I encourage you all to remember how he behaves in The Alternative World. No, wait, I won't inflict that on you. Say, instead, Kowaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiii! you think of "Ifurita-2", given that I've noticed a high percentage of El Hazard fans rank her just slightly above the Antichrist. Well, then, who is it that not only beats the crap out of Ifurita-2, but does it CASUALLY, not just beating her but playing with her beforehand, letting her think she had a chance? That's right, wickedly cute little Kalia-chan! Wasn't it GREAT? Ha ha! And for all you Princess Fatora haters (you poor, misguided souls), Kalia beats HER up too. And for all you people who thought Yuba Yurias was a complete dork (which, I presume, would be "everybody who's seen OAV2"), she beats him up and then kills him!

Oh yeah, she also beat up the priestesses, but everybody does that, so it's no big deal. Of course, not everybody has the guts not just to beat up Miz, but insult her about her age. AND refer to Shayla as "Red". And all that was before she "went evil". So, you see? Not only is Kalia really cute, and really evil, she is both at the exact same time! Not to mention perfectly able to kick the tails of all the other characters!

Of course, it's silly and childish to brag about how your favourite character can beat up all the other characters. But I don't care, so I enjoy a hearty "nyah, nyah" in the direction of non-Kalia fans, especially the ones who send me poorly-written e-mail to the effect that we never saw Kalia fight the "real" Ifurita.

Hmm...I'm digressing again, aren't I?

Well, another good reason to like Kalia is that she gets a lot of really cool lines. Actually, that's another of the things that made OAV2 worth watching: really cool lines and awful puns abound. Of course, most of them are only from the dub, meaning purist anime fans condemn them as the devil's work, or at least Carl Macek's, but purist anime fans are dolts. The El Hazard dub rocks, except of course for The Alternative World where all of them suddenly forgot how to act, and they replaced Princess Fatora's dub voice with a new, crappy one, presumably to go along Katsy-watsy, I hate to have to say this, but you've got the fashion sense of a hippo in spandex. with her new, crappy personality. But I'm getting off the subject again...I do that a lot, or hadn't you noticed? The point is, Kalia gets nifty lines. I mean, c'mon, who DIDN'T think it was adorable when she called Jinnai "LGJ" and "Katsy-watsy"? Not to mention, of course, the previously-referred-to "I'm Kalia. How come you're so old?"line.

Of course, her lines aren't only limited to her "cute" phase. Just for those who didn't get enough Ifurita-2-bashing before, gleefully recall fond memories with "So, you really are the legendary demon-goddess Ifurita. I'm, how you'd say, impressed." coming right before her pathetically easy victory. And, of course, the gem of gems: "Ah, yes, I was created for revenge. Sweet, lovely revenge."

To the surprise of probably noone, I've put up a voice caps section. ^_^

So, why Kalia? Because she's cute, she's evil, she has short hair, she has the most adorable way of making death threats, and she can kick the living crap out of your favourite El Hazard character, not necessarily in that order. And really, what else do you need?

Okay, I'm finished blabbing. Go back to the Shrine.