Blade: So go look for it in the fanfic section, and praise us!

Epsilon: God knows nobody that saw this is praising George Lucas, so you might as well praise somebody.

Blade: Oh, are we into that already?

Epsilon: Yes, because it wouldn't be a Star Wars review if we didn't rant about Jar-Jar Binks, or midichlorians, or Jake Lloyd.

Blade: But since none of our reviews are anything like "real" reviews anyway, we can merrily skip those parts.

Epsilon: That and the fact it would be hard to rant about things that didn't really bother us.

Blade: Now, if you're talking about a rant about the PEOPLE who whined incessantly about Jar-Jar Binks and midichlorians and Jake Lloyd, then we have lots of material.

Epsilon: For instance, if you think Jar-Jar Binks ruined the series, you pretty much are logically forced to also think the Ewoks and C-3P0 ruined the series.

Blade: Not that logic has anything to do with it, now does it? For instance, logically there has to be some way the Force is inherited, and midichlorians is as good a way to explain it as any.

Epsilon: Not that that will stop the fanboys. And complaining about how Jake Lloyd acts like a heroic character is out of character for the series, since Vader WAS supposed to be a hero before he turned to the Dark Side, is also stupid.

Blade: Or perhaps they're complaining about his supposedly wooden acting, which of course is nothing like Mark Hamill's, one of the universally recognised greatest actors of our time.

Epsilon: Hey, he did the Joker on Batman: The Animated Series, so don't dis him.

Blade: And the villain in Laputa. So he's a good voice actor, but his actual acting stinks, so why are fans complaining instead of being nostalgic? Oh, right, they're fans. That requires you to check your brain at the door, doesn't it?

Epsilon: Of course, enough monkeys on typewriters will eventually produce the Grand Admiral Thrawn trilogy, and so too do the fans occasionally get something right: Darth Maul does suck.

Blade: Having a villain without personality is not a good thing.

Epsilon: But then, at least they were consistant: the non-personality robots, non-personality aliens, non-personality monsters, non-personality Dark Side users, non-personality main hero characters...

Blade: You're forgetting Amidala, Qui-Gon and Palpatine. Also Jar-Jar Binks, even if nobody likes his personality.

Epsilon: True, you can't say Jar-Jar didn't have personality. He wouldn't have been hated so much if he didn't have personality.

Blade: Or maybe he would. Who knows how fanboys think? They don't hate C-3P0 as previously mentioned, and Jar-Jar serves the exact same purpose as him and provides about the exact same level of juvenile humour.

Epsilon: Oh but you know, it was soooo unbelievable when the Gungans fought with the Trade Federation's army.

Blade: Yep, it sure was. A group of aliens with more advanced technology than present-day Earth's fighting to a standstill a small division of troops built by a Trade Federation (notably inferior to Republic stormtroopers, as shown in Episode II) and then losing to the main army was SO unbelievable. Especially compared to a bunch of furry primitives with Stone Age-level technology absolutely annihilating the cream of the most technologically advanced army in the galaxy. Not that THAT would have ever happened in the "original" Star Wars the fanboys cherish so much, would it?

Epsilon: In fact, introducing Dark Side villains who have no discernible personality and then get killed by the heroes is certainly not something that would have happened there either. *coughcoughPalpatinecough*

Blade: On the other hand, unlike Palpatine, Darth Maul actually gave us some really cool fight scenes.

Epsilon: Not as cool as what you might see in a wuxia flick, but certainly much better than the dreck America was calling fight scenes up until that point.

Blade: Including in the original Star Wars trilogy. You have to wonder where all of Obi-Wan's gymnastic ability went in the intervening years.

Epsilon: Or Vader's, for that matter.

Blade: So what else is better about the Phantom Menace than the originals? Oh yes, it actually had a plot beyond "Empire Bad, Rebels Good".

Epsilon: Not that most of the fanboys picked that up, because they were too busy drooling over (and then complaining about) the CGI effects. And Jar-Jar.

Blade: And the pod-racing scene. Which was a GREAT excuse for a tie-in video game. In the movie, it was much like any other high-speed racing scene, only prettier. So I guess it was okay. And the way Sebulba walked was cool. I like aliens who don't look like humans in rubber masks.

Epsilon: My god, I think we've run out of things to rant about.

Blade: Well, not really (people who complain that "the puppets looked better" are idiots, since TPM had more puppets than the originals), but I think our general gist has been gotten across: fanboys are idiots and we hate them.

Epsilon: And before you go off thinking that doesn't mean you...it does.

Blade: Unless you agree with everything we said, in which case we don't hate you...we just dislike you.

Epsilon: Well, since everybody and their dog knows the general plot outline and characters of The Phantom Menace, I'll just give you a letter grade: C-.

Blade: The Phantom Menace is the only Star Wars movie I really want to own; tho Empire Strikes Back is, I believe, a slightly better movie, but I find The Phantom Menace more enjoyable for its deeper plot and more interesting background. Overall, it's simply more fun. And I liked Qui-Gon. B+.

Epsilon: But wait, the ranting isn't over! We have Attack Of The Clones still to do!

Blade: Ehhhh, it can wait. We need to recharge ranting material before doing another SW review. Or maybe just finishing off the next Ran Wars chapter.

Epsilon: Right. Any time now. (sneaks away)