"Now my young wards," Alucard, the cursed half-breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil (let see if we can break 100 people!), said from his perch atop the mighty and imposing Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile (for he could find nothing else imposing enough to do a dramatic soliloquy from). "Now, my young wards, " he repeated having realized that there had been to much space between his opening line and the continuation. "Now that we have confiscated this vehicle in the name of rightness and goodness and all those not funk *handjive* and evil things we can finally face our enemies in righteous combat!" "Didn't we steal this thing?" Bob asked from behind the wheel of the giant frankfurter as it sped down the highways of the American mid-west. "It isn't stealing!" Plaz protested. "It's only borrowing!" "So we're going to give it back?" "Unlikely," Alucard stated. "For it is more than likely that the Cursed half-breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil Mobile (for I refuse to call it a Wiener Mobile that being against my bishounen contract agreement) will be destroyed in some catastrophic and incredibly expensive sequence of explosion before the quest is over." "So we are stealing it?" "Shut up and drive Bob," Plaz smacked him on the back of the head. "Yes ma'am..." Bob muttered. -------------------------- In the case that this episode is not funny Improfanfic will disavow any knowledge of: Castlevania 1970: Disco of Evil Chapter 15: A Few Bad Jokes Bubbling like noxious gas from the rancid swamp which is the mind of: Aaron Peori Inspired by the only Third Impact starter he voted for written by: Gaijin Dan Mastriani (whose name he probably misspelled) --------------------------- "Wehavetheminoursightsnowandwewillproceedtodestroythemwillwenot, HAHA!" The IRSNingaAassasinDeathSquad leader said from behind his crushed velvet mask. "Yesitisitruethattheycannotpossiblyescapeourincredibleplantodestroy them, HAHA!" his second in command agreed. "TheletusgoforthanddestryothesemeaninglessfoolsinthenameofFunk [*handjive*]andEvilandourlordRichardNixon, HAHA!" And with that the IRSNingaAassasinDeathSquad started up their motorcycles (Ninjas of course) and sped down the highway in pursuit of the heroes mighty and noble Cursed half-breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil Mobile (also known as the Wiener Mobile). --- "Plaz?" "Yes Bob?" "Did you just hear something right now?" "Like a badly dubbed Japanese voice actor rapidly cursing us and then laughing while flinging ninja stars at our tires?" "Yeah, like that." "No I didn't." "Oh..." "I did -see- a badly dubbed Japanese man in a suit rapidly cursing at us and throwing ninja stars at our tires. But I didn't hear him." "Then how can you tell he's badly dubbed?" "It's the 70's." "Oh, right, I keep forgetting." "Young Belmont," Alucard shouted as he leaned down over the windshield of the not a Wiener Mobile at all nosiree. "You must evade these motorcycle driving Ninja Businessmen if we are ever to get to our destination." "GYAH!" Bob screamed. "Alucard I can't see the road! I can't see the road!" And lo the mighty and noble vehicle formerly known as the Wiener Mobile did fishtail as Bob struggled to retain control of it. It was in this fashion that its bun did crush on of the IRSNinjaAssasinDeathSquad members into a cliff causing him to blow up in a most appealing manner. "Damnyoutaxcheatingforiegnimprtbusinessproductsyoucannontpossible defeatustheIRSNINjaAssasinDeathSquad, HAHA!" their leader shouted into the roar of the wind. Alucard stood up on the roof of the vehicle unrelated to meat byproduct and did taunt the Ninja Businessman. "You can not hope to defeat us for we are good and you are bad and bad is just plain wrong!" ----------------------------------------- /'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''\ | IRSNinjaAssasinDeathSquad Hunter | \......................................./ New Game Options Live Organ Transplant! ----------------------------------------- "Welcome Jim to a wonderful day on the tarmac." "Yes Rob, it certainly is a beautiful day for a race here on this unidentified stretch of Midwestern American highway." "You're right Rob and Jim... as we can see the Race is already in progress with our heroic heroes in the Cursed half-breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil Mobile taking an early lead." "That's true Rob, Jim and Ryan but I wouldn't count the IRSNinjaAssasinDeathSquad out yet. Those motorcycles of their's may be small but they have a lot of horsepower." "No match for a good old fashioned Harley Davidson tho!" "Who said that?" "I think Ryan did." "I didn't say it." "I said it." "Who are you?" "I... am _Sancho_." "That's it, I quit." --- "Youch!" Plaz screamed as a ninja star smashed through the wall right next to her head. "That was too close, Bob you have to do something!" "What am I supposed to do? I don't even have my driver's license yet!" "You don't?" "That's right." "Then why are you driving!" "Alucard said I could whip something if I did." "Belmont, Belnandes stop arguing down there!" Alucard said as he used his mighty bishounen powers in helping them escape the evil Ninja Businessmen (which could be confused with standing on top the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile and looking all brooding and depressed to the untrained eye). "We must escape from these fiends." "Youwillneverescapeus, HAHA!" "Oh god lord!" Bob screamed like a schoolgirl. "A giant letter F has appeared in front of us out of nowhere!" "Avoid avoid!" Plaz shook him mightily as the giant glowing F got closer. "I-i w-would e-exc-cept y-you k-keep sh-shaki-ing m-me..." "Oh sorry." "No Belmont, steer INTO the giant letter F!" "Huh?" "Don't argue with the cool bishounen advisor young fool, just do it!" "Okay..." Bob steered the the giant letter F and with that it did vaporize in a puff of pixels. To Bob's amazement a large neon F appeared briefly on his windshield before fading away. "This just keeps getting weirder and weirder," Plaz complained. "You're one to talk," Bob mutter. "We still don't know what sex you actually are!" "But I explained in chapter... wait, did chapter thirteen actually happen or not?" "These are questions we should not be asking," Alucard informed her. "Now quickly, steer into that giant glowing U that has appeared in the road." "If you say so." "Ohnotheyareaquiringpowerups,wemuststoptheeviltaxevadingforeign businessproductsifwewishtodestroytheminthenameofFunk[*handjive*] andEvil, HAHA!" "I'llstopthemfearlessleader, HAHA!" And so he wheelied his cycle (this causing it to go faster by the laws of action movie physics) until he was in front of the (insert preferred descriptor) Mobile. With a roar he drove in front of the large truck with his tiny motorcycle and soon learned why few people tried stopping trucks by driving in front of them with tiny motorcycles. In order to speed up this chapter a bit the author will now skip the scenes where the heroes acquire the U and the N powerups and go straight to the good part. "Here it comes, "Alucard informed Bob, the final powerup." A giant K seemed to weave from side to side in front of their non-Weiner Mobile. With steely determination (and the prospect of getting to whip something again in the near future) urging him on Bob valiantly weaved the vehicle left and right to match. Then the two collided and for a moment the vehicle stopped. "What happened?" Bob said as he stared at the non-moving car. "Brace for impact!" Alucard shouted. Then with two mighty semi-realistic sound effects giant wedges of steel imbedded themselves in the side of the Cursed half-breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil Mobile. "Now we can escape them. Hit the gas Belmont!" "Right!" And with a roar of jet engines the Wiener Mobile took to the air. "Ohmygod, HAHA!" The IRSNinjaAssasinDeathSquad leader said in awe. "It'sa flyingAustinPowersmoviereference!" And so our noble and valiant heroes flew there giant weiner into the darkening sky. ------------- Author's Notes This chapter was brought to you by the numbers 12, 9 and the letter E!