"Now my young wards," Alucard, the cursed half-breed son of Dracula
whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who
struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil (let see if we
can break 100 people!), said from his perch atop the mighty and
imposing Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile (for he could find nothing else
imposing enough to do a dramatic soliloquy from). "Now, my young
wards, " he repeated having realized that there had been to much
space between his opening line and the continuation. "Now that we have
confiscated this vehicle in the name of rightness and goodness and all
those not funk *handjive* and evil things we can finally face our
enemies in righteous combat!"
"Didn't we steal this thing?" Bob asked from behind the wheel of the
giant frankfurter as it sped down the highways of the American
mid-west.
"It isn't stealing!" Plaz protested. "It's only borrowing!"
"So we're going to give it back?"
"Unlikely," Alucard stated. "For it is more than likely that the
Cursed half-breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures
eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face
of overwhelming evil Mobile (for I refuse to call it a Wiener Mobile
that being against my bishounen contract agreement) will be destroyed
in some catastrophic and incredibly expensive sequence of explosion
before the quest is over."
"So we are stealing it?"
"Shut up and drive Bob," Plaz smacked him on the back of the head.
"Yes ma'am..." Bob muttered.
--------------------------
In the case that this episode is not funny Improfanfic will disavow
any knowledge of:
Castlevania 1970: Disco of Evil
Chapter 15: A Few Bad Jokes
Bubbling like noxious gas from the rancid swamp which is the
mind of: Aaron Peori
Inspired by the only Third Impact starter he voted for written by:
Gaijin Dan Mastriani (whose name he probably misspelled)
---------------------------
"Wehavetheminoursightsnowandwewillproceedtodestroythemwillwenot,
HAHA!" The IRSNingaAassasinDeathSquad leader said from behind his
crushed velvet mask.
"Yesitisitruethattheycannotpossiblyescapeourincredibleplantodestroy
them, HAHA!" his second in command agreed.
"TheletusgoforthanddestryothesemeaninglessfoolsinthenameofFunk
[*handjive*]andEvilandourlordRichardNixon, HAHA!"
And with that the IRSNingaAassasinDeathSquad started up their
motorcycles (Ninjas of course) and sped down the highway in pursuit of
the heroes mighty and noble Cursed half-breed son of Dracula whose
human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who
struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil Mobile (also
known as the Wiener Mobile).
---
"Plaz?"
"Yes Bob?"
"Did you just hear something right now?"
"Like a badly dubbed Japanese voice actor rapidly cursing us and then
laughing while flinging ninja stars at our tires?"
"Yeah, like that."
"No I didn't."
"Oh..."
"I did -see- a badly dubbed Japanese man in a suit rapidly cursing at
us and throwing ninja stars at our tires. But I didn't hear him."
"Then how can you tell he's badly dubbed?"
"It's the 70's."
"Oh, right, I keep forgetting."
"Young Belmont," Alucard shouted as he leaned down over the windshield
of the not a Wiener Mobile at all nosiree. "You must evade these
motorcycle driving Ninja Businessmen if we are ever to get to our
destination."
"GYAH!" Bob screamed. "Alucard I can't see the road! I can't see the
road!"
And lo the mighty and noble vehicle formerly known as the Wiener
Mobile did fishtail as Bob struggled to retain control of it. It was
in this fashion that its bun did crush on of the
IRSNinjaAssasinDeathSquad members into a cliff causing him to blow up
in a most appealing manner.
"Damnyoutaxcheatingforiegnimprtbusinessproductsyoucannontpossible
defeatustheIRSNINjaAssasinDeathSquad, HAHA!" their leader shouted into
the roar of the wind.
Alucard stood up on the roof of the vehicle unrelated to meat
byproduct and did taunt the Ninja Businessman. "You can not hope to
defeat us for we are good and you are bad and bad is just plain
wrong!"
-----------------------------------------
/'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''\
| IRSNinjaAssasinDeathSquad Hunter |
\......................................./
New Game
Options
Live Organ Transplant!
-----------------------------------------
"Welcome Jim to a wonderful day on the tarmac."
"Yes Rob, it certainly is a beautiful day for a race here on this
unidentified stretch of Midwestern American highway."
"You're right Rob and Jim... as we can see the Race is already in
progress with our heroic heroes in the Cursed half-breed son of
Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other
and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil Mobile
taking an early lead."
"That's true Rob, Jim and Ryan but I wouldn't count the
IRSNinjaAssasinDeathSquad out yet. Those motorcycles of their's may be
small but they have a lot of horsepower."
"No match for a good old fashioned Harley Davidson tho!"
"Who said that?"
"I think Ryan did."
"I didn't say it."
"I said it."
"Who are you?"
"I... am _Sancho_."
"That's it, I quit."
---
"Youch!" Plaz screamed as a ninja star smashed through the wall right
next to her head. "That was too close, Bob you have to do something!"
"What am I supposed to do? I don't even have my driver's license
yet!"
"You don't?"
"That's right."
"Then why are you driving!"
"Alucard said I could whip something if I did."
"Belmont, Belnandes stop arguing down there!" Alucard said as he used
his mighty bishounen powers in helping them escape the evil Ninja
Businessmen (which could be confused with standing on top the Oscar
Meyer Wiener Mobile and looking all brooding and depressed to the
untrained eye). "We must escape from these fiends."
"Youwillneverescapeus, HAHA!"
"Oh god lord!" Bob screamed like a schoolgirl. "A giant letter F has
appeared in front of us out of nowhere!"
"Avoid avoid!" Plaz shook him mightily as the giant glowing F got
closer.
"I-i w-would e-exc-cept y-you k-keep sh-shaki-ing m-me..."
"Oh sorry."
"No Belmont, steer INTO the giant letter F!"
"Huh?"
"Don't argue with the cool bishounen advisor young fool, just do it!"
"Okay..." Bob steered the the giant letter F and with that it did
vaporize in a puff of pixels. To Bob's amazement a large neon F
appeared briefly on his windshield before fading away.
"This just keeps getting weirder and weirder," Plaz complained.
"You're one to talk," Bob mutter. "We still don't know what sex you
actually are!"
"But I explained in chapter... wait, did chapter thirteen actually
happen or not?"
"These are questions we should not be asking," Alucard informed her.
"Now quickly, steer into that giant glowing U that has appeared in the
road."
"If you say so."
"Ohnotheyareaquiringpowerups,wemuststoptheeviltaxevadingforeign
businessproductsifwewishtodestroytheminthenameofFunk[*handjive*]
andEvil, HAHA!"
"I'llstopthemfearlessleader, HAHA!"
And so he wheelied his cycle (this causing it to go faster by the laws
of action movie physics) until he was in front of the (insert
preferred
descriptor) Mobile. With a roar he drove in front of the large truck
with his tiny motorcycle and soon learned why few people tried
stopping trucks by driving in front of them with tiny motorcycles.
In order to speed up this chapter a bit the author will now skip the
scenes where the heroes acquire the U and the N powerups and go
straight to the good part.
"Here it comes, "Alucard informed Bob, the final powerup."
A giant K seemed to weave from side to side in front of their
non-Weiner Mobile. With steely determination (and the prospect of
getting to whip something again in the near future) urging him on Bob
valiantly weaved the vehicle left and right to match. Then the two
collided and for a moment the vehicle stopped.
"What happened?" Bob said as he stared at the non-moving car.
"Brace for impact!" Alucard shouted. Then with two mighty
semi-realistic sound effects giant wedges of steel imbedded themselves
in the side of the Cursed half-breed son of Dracula whose human and
vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do
good in the face of overwhelming evil Mobile. "Now we can escape them.
Hit the gas Belmont!"
"Right!"
And with a roar of jet engines the Wiener Mobile took to the air.
"Ohmygod, HAHA!" The IRSNinjaAssasinDeathSquad leader said in awe.
"It'sa flyingAustinPowersmoviereference!"
And so our noble and valiant heroes flew there giant weiner into the
darkening sky.
-------------
Author's Notes
This chapter was brought to you by the numbers 12, 9 and the letter E!
