MCFFUltra part 6: The Incredibly Long Episode!

     It was a dark and stormy night in Indonesia. Which really
has nothing to do with our story...

     It's hard to imagine a place like the Ultradome being quiet.
It's hard to picture it being empty of the thousands of ravening
fans out to see their favourite fighter beat up their least
favourite fighter. It's hard to think of it as anything other
than the single most consistently chaotic stadium in the history
of sports. But tonight it was silent, and empty, and as far from
chaotic as you could possibly imagine.

     The newly constructed orchestra pit was empty of all but the
instruments, the mechanical band having been removed to allow the
technicians a chance to clean and repair them for tomorrow
night's show. The stands and seats were freshly cleaned and
perfectly polished by God herself; she insisted on doing it
herself, and if you've ever tried saying "no" to God you know why
she gets to do it. The announcer's booth and the technician's
rooms were empty as well, aside from the bag of industrial
strength Pixie Sticks at Hiroshi's seat. 

     This did not last. Soon there was a flash of darkness, and a
being of pure evil, of utter and supreme malicious hatred stepped
into the room. Oh, and Orochi showed up too. Orochi looked at his
companion. The figure stood in the darkness, completely cloaked
in shadow except for a sharp silhouette. The figure was halfway
between short and tall, hunched over so you couldn't really tell
which way it favoured. The head was topped by a mass of sharp

     "So have you thought about my offer?" the dark figure asked

     "I have," Orochi said solemnly. "I see no reason to accept

     The figure laughed in such a way that Orochi had to
consciously remind himself that -he- was the God of Evil here and
that he was not supposed to be afraid. The figure rubbed its
hands together and there was a gleam of light off of insane eyes.
"You fool!" it said, "You don't even know what this federation is
for, do you?"


     Orochi blinked as he realized that he really didn't know
what this was all about. But it was a bunch of people fighting,
and he just knew that as an Evil God it was his job to join in
and kill everyone there and declare himself ruler of the universe
and then this would allow him to destroy everything. How exactly
killing a bunch of humans who happened to be unlucky enough to
have joined a tournament or federation or league or whatever
would lead to him destroying the universe was something he had
never really contemplated. He had always failed in the past,
after all. But this time...this time, it would be different.

     Orochi looked up, to see that his companion was playing with
a yo-yo and ignoring him. Orochi frowned, a sign of his great
distaste that would have sent normal people screaming in terror.
Unfortunately this was not a normal person. "This tournament is
all about me," the figure said, "and my two friends." He
grinned...even if no features could be made out in the grim
silhouette, Orochi knew he was grinning. "I can make you win," it
added, "I have the power."

     "I am the ultimate power in creation," Orochi informed it.

     The figure only smiled again, a very disturbing thing
considering Orochi couldn't see it. "Really?" he said, "Your Riot
of the Blood impressed me, but it can only be taken so far.  I
can use the Dark Seed to unleash a true horror from anyone."

     "..." Orochi failed to comment.

     "If I prove it," the figure asked slowly, "Will you accept
my help in defeating those losers?"

     "Perhaps," Orochi said, "But I do not need your help."

     The figure cackled in a manner that is best left undescribed
for the sanity of the readers. "My friends and I are impressed
with you." He turned away, "I like your style. God made a big
mistake putting you in the running!"

     Orochi only stared as the noxious evil disappeared to
wherever it had come from. This was truly a useful turn of
events. Now there was only the matter of turning it to his
advantage. Then Orochi did something that would have scared the
living <censored> out of anyone who knew him. Orochi smiled.


     Somewhere in the backwoods of China a young man sat next to
a fire and prepared his dinner. He was busy adding the seasoning
when God stepped out of nothing behind him. The youth sprang to
his feet and swung to face her, his eyes wide in surprise. Then,
slowly, a sneer of condescending disgust passed across his

     "You," the young man said softly.

     "I want to ask you a favor..." God began.


               FROM THE ULTRADOME!
                 AND IMPROFANFIC!
                 IT'S TIME FOR...

   {    M A G I C A L  C R O S S O V E R    }
   {  F I G H T I N G  F E D E R A T I O N  }
   {             /-----------\              }
   {             | U-L-T-R-A |              }
   {             \-----------/              }

   { }

      Part 6: The Incredibly Long Episode!
               By: Aaron Peori

        Impro created by: Stefan Gagne


      The house lights dimmed, the local string of pop hits
quieted out, and a hush fell over the crowd. A breathless
anticipation began to build, and behind it a low thrum like a
heartbeat. The beat increased steadily and as it did a single red
laser burst down into the centre of the stadium. Then more lights
as the music kicked in, and fireworks flew out in streams of neon
sparks that lit up the entire stadium like a Christmas tree. 
Then from out of nowhere, a voice rang out clear as crystal over
the sounds of exploding fireworks and kick ass music.

     "Ready for a bit of that old... Ultra-violence?"

     The crowd went WILD. Over the din a single voice broke
in...a hyperactive chipmunk on acid was perhaps the best way to
describe it.  

     "Good Evening Ladies and GenTLEmeeen!" Hiroshi yelled into
his mike at the top of his lungs, "And welcome to the fastest,
fiercest most fabulous fighting federation in all fanfic!"

     "Funky," Daisuke deadpanned.

     "Ignore my co-commentator folks," Hiroshi grinned like a
maniac who had swallowed his body weight in sugar five seconds
ago. Which was really a remarkable coincidence. "Boy do we have
quite a card lined up for you this week people! Pure, uncensored,
unapologetic senseless mayhem and violence on a scale not yet

     "Tonight we have no exhibition matches and no new entrants,"
Daisuke informed the audience tonelessly.

     "But as has become par for the course -everyone- has
challenged the Champions of their division!" Hiroshi leaped up
and down. 

     "Only EVA-1 and it's pilot Shinji Ikari will not be fighting
tonight because all the valid challengers are occupied in grudge
matches," Daisuke dictated.

     "Yes folks, that's right we have scheduled SEVEN sensational
slugfests to send you skyrocketing with excitement! Not to
mention a special sneak preview of ULTRARAGE! What's that? Now
that would be giving it away. Stay tuned! You won't want to miss

     "Annnd..." Nabiki held up her finger, "We're clear." She sat
back and smiled to herself. This was a rather cushy job actually,
once you got used to the technical aspects of it. And since her
sister had thoughtfully implanted all that technical junk
directly into Nabiki's memory that was no problem at all.

     "Hello Nabiki-chan," God said softly from behind her sister.
Nabiki turned and smiled up at the not-quite-divine-looking
Mistress of All Creation.

     "Hey sis," Nabiki smirked, "Where were you?  You missed your
usual speech."

     "I was off fetching someone," Kasumi smiled.

     "A new fighter?" Nabiki rubbed her hands together. This
could make even more merchandising possible. Maybe it was finally
a decent new Lambda team; the other leagues were beginning to
outstretch it both in numbers of active "challengers" and in

     "No," she shook her head sadly, "Just a guest, a

     Great, that was all they needed. They had a dozen or so
miscellaneous staff running around here that either commented on
or interviewed fighters. It was a bit confusing to keep track of
them all. At least some of them had left, like that prophet guy,
he had just been spooky. "Well, get him out there," Nabiki said
quickly, "We only have a few seconds before we cut back to the
live feed."

     "There's a slight problem..." Kasumi said slowly.

     Outside the orchestra stopped playing it's best classical
version of several popular Japanese hits and quieted down as the
laser show announced that Ultra was about to start the first
match. The crowd roared and waved as the camera panned back and
forth across the stadium, picking out multiple hand-made posters
such as "Iori 6:13" and "Noun X:YZ" alongside more conventional
posters declaring fans of just about every fighter imaginable,
even Ataru and Happousai. There was even some decent artwork of
the various fighters displayed on some of them.

     "Hey!" Hiroshi cried into his mike at the top of his lungs
again. "Welcome back to Ultra folks, today we have a special
treat for you. A guest commentator is joining Daisuke and myself
in the booth, please welcome, from the backwoods of China...
uh... what did you say you name was again?"

     "I didn't," the man informed him. He was tall for an
oriental man, with bishounen looks and elaborate hair. His
well-muscled chest was covered in a vest made of glittering blue
scales from no natural animal. "You can call me Tarou."

     "Wait," Daisuke said slowly, "I remember that, weren't you
the guy who put on the play with Ranma outside school? 
Pantyh..." There was a quick crack and Daisuke fell back in his
chair with a bloody nose.

     "Just Tarou..." Tarou said evenly and crossed his arms. "I
am not about to reveal that on Interdimensional TV."

     "Well Tarou," Hiroshi clapped his hands together in
excitement. "We're glad to have you here!" Tarou cast a
questioning look at the unconscious Daisuke and snorted to

     "That makes one of us..." he muttered under his breath.

     "Okay folks, first up on our card is the battle of the Bad
Boys!" Hiroshi screamed in his most 'I have watched way too many
Monster Truck rally commercials' way.  The music changed as the
orchestra began to artfully reproduce "Freak on a Leash" by Korn
and several women in the audience squeaked in joy. 

     "Our first contestant," Touga roared into his microphone,
"Hailing from Japan, the Psycho Shounen, Iori Yagami!"

     Iori strutted down the ramp towards the ring.  Tossing his
hair, he adjusted the extremely long undershirt of his mutilated
school uniform before climbing into the ring. He turned, with a
snap of the cord between his knees, and took in everyone in the
audience...noting with no small pleasure that both Yashiro and
Shermie were not present tonight.  He then took the microphone
from Touga with a snap of his wrist.  "All you losers in Gamma
division listen up," Iori said slowly, "After tonight, I will
-own- this federation."

     "Bondage-boy seems pretty confident," Tarou replied.

     "He seems to be taking after his blood-relative," Hiroshi
smirked, "if you know what I mean."

     "Unfortunately yes..." Tarou sighed and rubbed his head.
     "We'll see if Iori can live up to his claims shortly,"
Hiroshi yelled excitedly, "Because here comes his opponent!"

     The music died down as "Born on the Bayou" came on to
replace it. This continued for several seconds, with no sign of
anyone approaching the ring.  Silence began to fill the arena as
everyone looked around in confusion.  Iori's face tightened in
annoyance at the delay.

     "Well," Tarou deadpanned, "At least this night will be over
quickly.  It seems Gumbo-guy is too scared to show up."

     As if on cue, there was a large explosion. A flash of
multicolored sparks erupted from the overhead lights and streams
of coloured smoke dropped down in every direction. Out of the
centre of this conflagration the Cajun mutant dropped, landing in
the centre of the ring. His trenchcoat billowed about him in a
exceedingly dramatic manner, and he bowed with a flourish to the
audience. He wore his usual costume and his brown hair was pulled
back in a loose crop. The roar of the crowd at his arrival easily
dwarfed that for the other man.

     "Hailing from the deepest bayous in the United States,"
Touga cried, his voice carrying easily over the crowd, "The Cajun
Sensation, Gambit!"

     "Fireworks don't win the match," Iori informed Gambit

     "He's one to talk," Tarou muttered.

     "There be no need to be rude, mon ami," Gambit smiled
disarmingly even as his mutant black and red eyes narrowed. "This
be a friendly match, no?"

     Iori laughed, a slow vicious laugh. "Don't call me friend,"
he said, "You're no match for the power I wield."

     "We just see about that then."  Gambit offered him his hand,
but Iori only looked at it like one might a particularly nasty
bug before turning and walking to his corner. "If that be the way
you want to play it, boy."




     "This match is scheduled for one fall!" Touga yelled out,
"With a thirty minute time limit, begin!" And with that he neatly
vaulted out of the ring.

     "This promises to be a spectacular match!" Hiroshi screamed.
     "They're just circling each other," Tarou yawned. "But
Bondage-boy is a bit more vicious than Gumbo-guy. He'll easily
take him down."

     "Maybe," Hiroshi yelled in his increasingly more annoying
way. "But this is a special match! Whoever wins gets the title of
Biggest Bad@$$ in Gamma!"

     "Why on earth would they fight to -earn- that title?" Tarou

     "Uh..." Hiroshi wasn't sure why either, but he wasn't about
to admit it. It sounded like the Biggest Loser Title as well.

      "Well," Tarou leaned back and left one eye lazily open, "It
looks like we're going to finally get some action."

     Iori attacked first, lashing out with several low sweeping
fists. Gambit leaped over them, flipping around behind his
opponent. The staff flashed out, but Iori had already advanced
out of range and quickly turned to face Gambit again. With a
smile, the Cajun tossed a glowing red card at Iori, who dodged to
the side.

     "Gambit doesn't know how to really use his powers well,"
Tarou said slowly, "Iori is really vicious, however."

     "Gambit has been known for his share of cheap tricks,"
Hiroshi added as Gambit leaped in, swinging his staff in a rapid
series of complex attack patterns that threw Iori on the
defensive. "His one win so far was on a borderline judge's

     "Yes, yes," Tarou yawned again as Iori caught one of
Gambit's thrusts and flungs the Cajun to the side. "But he isn't
vicious," he added, "Which in this kind of match will make all
the difference."

     "YAMI BARAI!"

     Iori took advantage of his opponent's brief pause to regain
his balance, snapping his hands downward. A trail of purple flame
traced the movement of his arm before leaping to the ground and
travelling along it. Gambit danced aside from the attack, but
Iori had already moved in and jumped forward with a flying
axe-kick. Gambit raised his staff to block the attack, but as the
foot came down a flare of purple fire burst from the heel. There
was a sharp crack and the staff split in two. Gambit's eyes
widened and he backflipped out of range, dropping his broken

     "See what I mean?" Tarou asked Hiroshi laconically.

     "Gambit is in real trouble now folks," Hiroshi played on the
situation for all it was worth like a true person with no shame
would, "Without his reach advantage he can't keep Iori from
getting in close and really punishing him with some of that
Orochi power!"

     "That was my favourite staff!" Gambit complained, "I will
have to pay for a new one out of my winnings, yes?" He grinned

     "You won't get that chance," Iori informed him, laughing

     The fight resumed, this time Gambit taking the defense and
dodging back as Iori flung himself forward with a series of
powerful poking attacks that led his opponent around the ring.
The Cajun's superior agility and speed was the only thing keeping
him out of harm's way as he twirled and dodged around the ring
with the grace of a ballerina.

     "Look at that," Tarou said with a self-satisfied smirk,
"Bondage-boy has already won the match."

      "I wouldn't count Gambit out," Hiroshi warned him. "He has
a way of pulling things out of his sleeves, and as long as he can
keep dodging he has more time to think up something."

     "But he just ran out of time," Tarou chuckled evilly.


     "Watch the fight, fan-boy.?

     Hiroshi turned back to the fight and watched as Iori
unleashed a series of vicious attacks that Gambit was forced to
dodge. Then Gambit stopped, suddenly realizing that Iori had
trapped him in the corner. "Die," Iori said slowly and evenly,
conjuring purple flames along his arms, "Right where you stand."

     "Not today, mon ami," Gambit frowned as Iori rushed in. The
psycho shounen unleashed his full power; a bombardment of
lightning fast flaming strikes that batter Gambit into the corner
again and again. The Cajun tried to dodge, but with nowhere to
move he had no choice but to take the punishment. Iori cackled
insanely as he struck out with his flaming power.

     "See," Tarou informed everyone easily, "Iori lured him into
the corner and is now using his full strength to batter Gambit

     "But his power hurts him as well," Hiroshi countered, "Isn't
he doing damage to himself?"

     "Tactical maneuver," Tarou replied easily, "He's betting he
can take down Gumbo-guy before he collapses himself. Useless in a
-real- fight, but it should get him the win here."

     Finally Iori backed off a step, leaving the battered Gambit
gripping the corner post in an attempt to keep himself standing. 
He laughed again and pulled back, readying the final blow.

     "It looks like Iori is prepping his finishing move," Hiroshi
roared suddenly, "The dreaded Maiden Masher!"

     Iori roared and flew forward... and received a kick in the
stomach for his efforts. 

     "Gambit was playing possum!" Hiroshi yelled delightedly.

     The Cajun leaped into the air, spiralling over the head of
his opponent. With a cry, he snapkicked Iori in the back of the
head, and the younger man flew face first into the corner
post...which exploded in a rather spectacular manner. Meanwhile
Gambit landed with a flourish on the other side of the ring,
which was marred only by his sudden slumping over in pain.

     "Wow!" Hiroshi cried, "That is quite the upset."

      Tarou grunted, "I wasn't expecting that. He must have used
his mutant power to charge up the post, and when Iori hit it..."
he leaves the rest unsaid.

     "That was quite a match... wait," Hiroshi paused
dramatically, "I don't think he's down yet!"

     "Heh," Tarou chuckled evilly, "He's tougher than he looks.
Although that isn't saying much."

     Both combatants faced off across the ring; both appearing
much the worse for wear. Then Iori grinned and said coolly, "I've
lived with pain all my life. You haven't." With that he dashed
forward, striking out. Gambit moved to dodge but can't quite get
up to speed. Iori knocked him into the ropes, and as the Cajun
flew back the psychotic uniformed fighter unloaded on him. He
knocked Gambit to the ground, clawing and flaming him mercilessly
for a few seconds before standing and laughing to himself. Gambit
didn't get up.

     "The winner!" Touga called out to the crowd as he raised
Iori's hand.  Iori growled, snatching his hand free. "And
official Biggest Bad@$$ in Gamma...Iori Yaga~ami!" A mix of boos
and cheers filled the arena as Iori walked out of the ring.
Reaching up, he wiped blood off his face from where it trickled
out of the corner of his mouth and nose.

     "I told you," Tarou smirked, "Bondage-boy is much better at
winning then the Gumbo-guy will ever be."

     "Well," Hiroshi nodded, "It certainly was a spectacular
match, and coming up next we have our first Omega match, a
rivalry like you have never seen!"

     "And hopefully will never see again," Tarou snorted.

     "Our Man with the Motives is going backstage to interview to
recently crowned Biggest Bad@$$ in Gamma!" Hiroshi shouted in
pure joy. "Let's take you live to that!"

     As they cut to elsewhere, several medics rushed out to treat
Daisuke, who still hadn't revived since Tarou smacked him one


     Yotsuya cleaned his teeth quickly as his cameraman set up
the equipment in the small backstage area where he knew his
target would be coming. It was easy work, this interviewing
business. Almost as interesting as messing with that young Godai
lad, who had become much less amusing after he had finally
settled into a family life with the manager. It was too bad this
took him away from his other job, but then, they had just
informed him that he could do his work as well here as he could
anywhere else.

     Around the corner the battered form of the recently
triumphant Biggest Bad@$$ in Gamma came into view. Yotsuya
stepped in front of him. "I'd like to steal a minute of your
time," Yotsuya phrased it so that it wasn't a question.

     "Get lost," Iori sneered, "I have bigger fish to fry." He
demonstrated his flame summoning abilities to punctuate his

     "Yes, yes," Yotsuya nodded in what he knew was his most
maddening 'I don't care' way, "But first, a few questions if you

     "Listen freak..."


     Iori turned suddenly and his eyes narrowed. "I was wondering
where you were."

     Two figures stood side by side at the end of the hall. The
man was tall, with very short white hair and wore a red shirt
that was open over his chest and held together with straps. His
companion was a woman in a very tight pink outfit with laced
slits up the side of her miniskirt; her short red hair fell over
her eyes.

     "Ah," Yotsuya smiled, this was getting more interesting by
the minute. "You are the ones who interfered in the match in
America, yes?"

     "Butt out," Yashiro growled softly at Yotsuya, who smiled
politely and signaled for the cameraman to keep rolling while he
moved to one side. "Thought you were rid of me, did you, Yagami?"
Yashiro smiled and crossed his eyes.

     "I thought you smartened up after I handed you your ass,"
Iori smirked right back.   "You wish," Yashiro growled as he
stretched his neck and fell into a dancing stance. 

     "Do you always attack people that just finished another
match?" Iori yawned, slowly moving into his favourite combat

     "This should be fun," Shermie smiled, smiling in that way
only evil woman can, and leaned against the wall. Just when it
appeared that the two were about to go at it again, a voice cried
out and stopped them.


     Everyone turned and watched as the figure of Orochi floated
down the hall. Seemingly human except for his glowing eyes and
the strange symbol on his bare chest, there was an aura of power,
a corona of fear that swept out from him that let you know you
were in the presence of a god. "I will not have you fighting,"
Orochi told them all evenly.

     "I don't take orders from you," Iori growled and made an
obscene gesture, which caused Nabiki to spit out her coffee all
over her monitor.

     "Oh great," she sighed, "As if we didn't have enough
problems with the family groups for the costumes (or lack
thereof) that the women fight in..."

     "That could be changed," Orochi told Iori calmly. Iori
growled again and Orochi turned from him to his two other
Harbringers. "Today begins the day of Orochi," he told them
softly, "I will not have you eliminating my Harbringers before my
time. I need them..." Orochi glowed softly. "You shall not attack
this one again."

     "Wh-whatever you say Chris," Yashiro gulped softly.

     "I am not Chris," Orochi hissed, "I am the Darkness! Now
heed my warning!"

     With that, Orochi teleported from their presence, leaving
behind a rapidly dispersing field of blue flames in his wake.

     "Heh," Iori grinned and started to walk past Yashiro.
"Normally I'd ignore the loudmouth's proclamation and give you a
deserved trashing, but I have places to be."

     "Masaka..." Yashiro hissed as he watched Iori turn the
corner and walked from sight.

     "Well," Shermie frowned prettily, "He certainly knows how to
ruin a good time."

     Yotsuya stepped in and thrust his mic into Yashiro's face.
"Are you really going to obey the Orochi's orders?" he asked

     "Damn it..." Yashiro told him, "I told you to butt out!"
With that the dancer, and Harbringer of Orochi stormed off down
the hallway.

     "What about you, miss?" Yotsuya asked her pleasantly, "Any
comments you want to share with our viewers?"

     "Maybe," Shermie smiled invitingly. "Maybe the Orochi has
something special planned for the two of us." She tossed her hair
and stood up suggestively. "I hear Lambda division is looking for
new teams, after all..." she purred as she turned away and
followed her companion down the hall.

     "Well," Yotsuya said easily, "There you have it folks, is
this the last we've seen of those two? You'll have to wait and


     -Commercial Break-

     Voiceover: There's pain.

      (Scene of Iori, spitting up his own blood as he unleashes
his Orochi Blood's power. Then it pulls back and we see him jump
at Gambit, who is looking beaten. But Gambit kicks him in the
chest and then vaults overhead...)

     Voiceover: And then there's Motrin Pain.

     (Gambit kicks Iori into the pillar, which explodes and takes
out that corner of the ring. The scene changes to a close-up of
the rings with a Motrin bottle on it and purple flames running
along in the background.)

     Voiceover: Motrin relieves Motrin Pain.

     -Commercial Break-


     "Welcome back, folks!" Hiroshi's voice echoed over the
speakers like thunder. "Boy, has this been an exciting evening so
far, and we haven't even started yet!"

     "A little too exciting," Daisuke muttered around the
bandages that had been applied to his broken nose.

     "Next time think first, speak later," Tarou advised him

     "As you can see we're all up and around and ready to go here
for our next match!" Hiroshi yelled into the sky. Unfortunately
his mic was near the table so it only caught the scream

     "We're going straight to our first Omega matchup," Daisuke
said laconically, "Between two long running rivals."

     "The Brat and Implant-girl," Tarou yawned slowly. "I'm all
aquiver with excitement, really I am."

     "And here before we start, a few words from our challenger
in this match!"

     We see Naga, the Black Serpent and newly awakened into the
Riot of the Blood against a background of flaming rubble. She is
crouched over with glowing eyes and a feral snarl on her lips.

     "I [HATE]!" the Black Serpent informed us, "I [HATE] in the
name of the G_O_D of [HATE]! Inverse, now my [HATE] shall destroy
you! Your greatest rival and ally is [NO] more, I am [HATRED],
fear my [WRATH] puny sorceress! Lord [OROCHI] has sent me to
[FINISH] what he started, your [DESTRUCTION] is nigh! [HATE] will
prove superior to you!"

     "Aside from the obvious service of her leaning over like
that," Tarou asked politely, "Exactly what purpose did that

      "..." Hiroshi failed to comment.

     "Well," Daisuke said coolly, "Let's take the action to our
first extradimensional arena of the evening, shall we?"

     "Yay," Tarou deadpanned.


     "What is it with these people and sand?" Lina fumed as she
kicked a few of the particles of silicon out of her way. "I've
fought, what, four times and -every- time it's on some planet
coated in sand!"

     "I don't know, this is kind of fun!" her companion said as
he finished his sandcastle. It more resembled a bowl made of sand
overturned, since there was no wet sand to hold it together. "We
should come here more often!"

     "Gourry," Lina clenched her fist and stared at him, "Do you
really want to be stuck on a sand planet, with no water and no

     "Uhh..." Gourry thought as he adjusted his long blond hair
and slung his sheathed sword with the elaborate handle over his

     "And no food?"

     "AHH!!" Gourry screamed and looked around, "No FOOD!? That's

     "My point exactly," the red-haired prodigy pointed around,
"Besides, all this sand ruins my outfit." She gestured at the
elaborate apparel in question, consisting of several mismatched
items that were probably thrown together at random but somehow
managed to look becoming on the underdeveloped sixteen-year-old.

     A portal opened up beside him and the ring announcer stepped
out. He smirked in his bishounen way and walked over to Lina.
"I'm sorry," he told her, "Nobody else is allowed on the field of
battle besides the contestants and natural hazards."

     "That's sounds good," Gourry nodded solemnly, "You wouldn't
want anyone getting hurt."

     Lina kicked him and he toppled over. "He means you, moron!"

     "Oh," Gourry spoke into the ground and coughed as he drew
too much sand into his lungs, which is roughly defined as 'any'.
He stood up, "I guess I better get going," he hesitated, "Lina,
do you want the Sword of Light?"

     Lina stared at him. Lina stared at him hard. Suddenly her
eyes shone with an inner light and she was holding the Sword of
Light as one might cradle a baby. "You mean it!" she cried
joyously, "I get to keep the Sword of Light!"

     "Not forever!" Gourry yelled as he snatched back the blade
in question. "I mean just for your match, you might need it..."

     "To deal with Naga?" Lina laughed. "I don't care if they
gave her the power of Shabrinigdo, Ceipheed AND the Lord of
Nightmares. It's still Naga. This will be over in one spell!" She
gestured and tossed her hand, "Like this, FIREBALL!"

     Something failed to happen.

     Lina fell over. "What!" she cried, "My magic!" She looked
around frantically, "It doesn't work here!"
     "It doesn't?" Touga and Gourry said in scarily similar

     "How am I supposed to fight when my Magic doesn't work!"
Lina roared at Touga, who backed away in fright at the sight of
Lina Pissed <TM>. "Foul! Unfair! This is totally against the
rules, I declare a mismatch! I demand retribution! I'll sue!"

     "Don't yell at me," Touga pleaded as she stood over him,
breathing heavily and doing her best impression of a demonic
entity, "I'm just the hired help!"

     -White screen-

     Text: We are experiencing technical difficulties, please
stay tuned.



      "This match is scheduled for one fall," Touga roared as a
dark aura erupted around Naga's less than clothed form,
"Destroying the planet or the universe is a technical foul, there
is a thirty minute time limit. Begin!" Touga leaped into the
portal as Naga stepped forward.

     "I [HATE] you, Lina Inverse!"

     "So what else is new?" Lina smirked and stood tall,
thrusting her hands downward.    "I will [DESTROY] you!" Naga
screamed, "In then name of the [G_O_D] of [HATRED]!" 

     "Darkness beyond twilight..."

     "I am [POWER]," Naga screamed as she scratched at the sky,
"My [HATE] is supreme. I am [BEYOND]! I am [EVIL]!"

     "Crimson beyond blood that flows..."

     "You are no match for my [HATRED]!" Naga hissed, "Only
[EVIL] can win! Only I shall have [REVENGE]!"

     "Buried in the flow of time..."

     "[REVENGE] for all the [HUMILIATION] you did to me!" Naga
roared, "[VENGEANCE] for not accepting me as your [SUPERIOR]!"

     "In thy great name, I pledge myself to darkness..."

     "Know [FEAR] Inverse," Naga clenched her fists and looked
down at the ground and glowed evilly, "For I am [HATRED], I am

     "All the fools who stand in our way shall be destroyed..."

     "... I AM [EVIL]!" Naga said as her aura dimmed down and she 
gestured dramatically. "Only [DEATH] shall comfort you from my

     "By the power you and I possess..."

     And then the laugh. It was once said that Naga's laugh could
stop armies in their tracks, frighten dragons from their lairs
and causes your milk to sour on the spot. These were as unto
nothing compared to Naga's laugh now. It was more evil.  More
hideous. More mind-numbingly bad. It was the laugh of Naga, of
the Riot of the Blood!


     Naga stopped and opened her eyes just in time to see the red
stream only inches from her face. "[MOMMY]..."


     El Stier and Andvari streaked across the Aveh desert at top
speed. Clouds of dust flew up behind them in the typical anime
'speeding across a featureless plain of material that can be
splashed coolly in the wake of hoverjets' way. The massive war
machines were making good time as they headed towards the

     "Man it feels great to be at these controls again!" Bart
yahooed for good measure to get the full effect. His gear spun
around in place... which really threw off the hoverjets and
nearly sent his Gear crashing into his companion.

     "Watch where you're going you idiot!" Rico shouted and
resisted the urge to fire his vulcan cannons at the still wildly
careening Gear. While that would be cathartic, it wouldn't be
smart to riddle your ally's Gear with bullets just before a
possible battle. It was the sounds of the ether alarms that
finally gave him the will to put the guns down. "%&%^&^%$%$!
Massive Ether spike, punk!"


     The blast wasn't far away, a hemisphere of red light that
grew out of the desert like a stemless mushroom. The shockwave
knocked Andvari sprawling, and if it weren't for the sheer mass
of his Gear Rico thought his own might have fallen as well. The
blast didn't last long however, and Rico was able to maintain
stability as the ether surge passed. 

     "You okay, kid?"

     "Fine," Andvari raised itself to its feet with deceptive
agility. "Whatever it is, it is big."

     "Understatement of the year..."


     "And the winner is," Touga yelled in an excited tone as he
held up the young lady's hand, "Lina Inverse!"

     "Yatta!" Lina yelled as she planted her foot firmly on the
charred, unconscious frame of Naga, the Black Serpent. "That was
even easier than I thought!"

     "Wow!" Hiroshi danced around the table, "What a match!"

     "What a match?" Tarou blinked, "-I- could have won that

     Daisuke gave Tarou a "yeah right" look but remained quiet. 

     "You can't say that wasn't spectacular!" Hiroshi whined.

     "The only spectacular thing about it is that she managed to
shut up that maniac," Tarou shrugged, "She'll still never manage
to beat Orochi."

     "We'll see about that," Daisuke said slowly. 

     "Stay tuned folks!" Hiroshi yelled into the camera. This was
rather unfortunate as his mic was still on the table so no one
could hear him. "Our next Gamma match is only a few short seconds


     Andvari and El Stier arrived just in time to see a portal
open in the middle of the crater that used to be a large portion
of the Aveh desert. There they saw a group of figures carting one
person off in a stretcher and another group standing near the
centre of the crater.

     "What is that?" Bart asked. "Who are those people?"

     "You're asking me?" Rico replied in a sarcastic tone.

     "Er... no?"

     "Then why are you bothering to ask!?"

     "Uhhh... isn't that how you're supposed to react to things
like this?"

     Rico sighed. At least it was better than his old reaction to
everything unexpected. Rico remembered the Bart Missile incident.
"Well, they're leaving, whoever they are."

     "We can't let them do that!"

     "Why not?"

     "They... uh, destroyed Aveh property!"

     "..." Rico felt the need to strangle somebody. "Kid, you
have a serious problem, you know that?"

     "I won't let them get away!"

     "Your Gear won't exactly fit into those holes."

     "Then I'll go on foot!"

     "Bart!" Rico roared, but it was too late. Already the chest
of Andvari had opened and the young prince had leapt down to the
sands below. He jumped across the lip of the crater and ran
towards the last two as they began to enter the hole in the sky.
Rico considered letting the kid get what he deserved. After all,
if something could do that much damage and there was no Gear in
sight, Rico didn't want to think about what a normal human would
be able to do against it. He groaned as he willed the hatch open
and leaped down after Bart. He really could have used Citan's
Arcane magic now.

     "Bart!" Rico roared, "You idiot! Don't follow them!" It was
too late, the young moron had leapt into one of the holes after
the last two people. Rico picked up his pace even as he silently
wished that lightning would strike him down for being dense
enough to risk his neck like this, and to save BART of all


     -Commercial Break-

     (Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder stands in a Dojo facing off
against Pikachu, Ash stand in the corner, looking worried.)

      Kuno: Now foul rodent, my revenge is nigh!

     Pikachu: PIKA!! (ducks and covers)

     Kuno: (leaps up) THUNDERSHOCK!

     (Close-up of Ash looking really worried...)

     (The view shifts and shows Kuno landing... with a distinct
lack of lightning to accompany his super-technique.)

     Kuno: What! This is impossible!
     Pikachu: Pikachu?

     (Kuno pulls on the bottom of his bokken and the hilt comes
off. He stares in horror at the two round objects within.
Megavolt batteries.)

     Kuno: NO~O!

     Pikachu: Pika, Pikachu! 

     (The energizer bunny drums its way over to Pikachu and Ash
quickly switches the huge battery over onto Pikachu's back)

     Kuno: (sweatdrop) This may sting...


     (Cut away to the sounds of millions of volts of electricity
running through Kuno)

     Voiceover: Energizer. It keeps your Pokemon going, and
going, and going...

     -Commercial Break-


     The Ultradome was rocking to the tunes of favourite pop
hits, as played by a robot orchestra. The camera panned around
the stands, getting clear shots of several more signs such as "I
pledge myself to Lina! INVERSE SLAVE!", "Washu and Lilith:
Separated at Birth?", "Orochi ate my <censored>!" and of course
"Dan's Career is Stone Cold..."

     The camera panned down to a small stage set up across from
the ring. Yotsuya stood on it, holding a microphone and checking
his teeth in the lens of his cameraman's camera. Noticing the
on-air sign, he straightened. "In just a few moments I will be
talking with Lina Inverse," Yotsuya informed the viewing
audience. "Recent winner of the match with Naga, the so-called
Black Serpent."

     A portal opens up next to the stage and Lina stepped out.
Jumping in, she gave the crowd a V-sign. They ate it up,
thunderous applause cascading around the Ultradome. Yotsuya
waited for the noise to die down slightly, giving Lina a chance
to pose and receive cheera some more. Finally he walked over.

     "Lina," Yotsuya started, "Some have called you the Scourge
of All Mankind, but how do you think you will fare in your next
match with the man who actually claims that title, Orochi?"

     "Hey!" Lina put a fist under Yotsuya's nose. "I'm not the
scourge of all mankind, or the destroyer of the earth, or the
most terrible demon of all time for that matter!"

     "You didn't answer the question," Yotsuya pointed out in
that annoying way of his.

     "Well," Lina smiled, "I think I have a little surprise up

     What exactly the surprise was up would never be known, for
at this moment the portal chose to disgorge a rather surprised 
looking Bart Fatima, who flailed around like a moron for a moment 
before landing solidly on Lina.

     "Wow," Bart commented to himself, "What a ride!"

     Yotsuya blinked, hastily stepping away. It was at this point
that the much more massive, hulking green but non-marvel related
figure of Rico Banderas dropped from the portal on top of Bart.

     "Ow!" Bart cried, "Get off me jerk!"

     "Get off him!" Lina yelled, waving her feet in a thoroughly
undignified manner.

     "Now what have you gotten me into?" Rico growled as he
looked around in surprise at the massive arena. "Too small for a
battling arena..." he muttered to himself.

     "Well if you aren't getting off, I am!" Bart informed Rico,
whose attention was drawn back to his current predicament.

     "GREAT idea!" Lina growled. Bart sweatdropped and began to
wave his hands below him in an effort to get some leverage with
which to push himself up. Of course, a woman happened to be lying
directly underneath him. The outcome was fairly predictable.

     The explosion collapsed the interview platform into a rubble
heap. Thankfully, Yotsuya had the foresight to get off it long
ago. Lina fell down amidst the burning rubble as the two
unfortunate men were seen streaking into the sky and out of

     "Well," Yotsuya drawled. "I suppose that will have to be
that for now. At least until Miss Inverse regains consciousness."


     Dan was ready. 

     Dan was strong. 

     Dan was perfect. 

     Dan's hair was mussed. 

     This simply would not do. With a frown Dan picked up his
comb and readjusted his hair in the dressing room mirror. With
that out of the way, he reexamined his manly perfection. The pink
gi with the torn sleeves and cuffs was loose over his manly
muscles but still managed to let them show off. His slicked-back
hair was done up in just the right manly way to be a true credit
to the Saikyo school of Shotokan karate. He clenched his fist and
waved it up and down in front of the mirror. 

     "Oyaji!" Dan cried, literally, manly tears falling in
streams down his face. "I shall defeat the American who dares to
challenge me!" He switched poses, this time holding his fist
skyward. "I, Dan, will NOT be the Biggest Loser in Ultra, this I
swear by your name! Even if I can't quite remember it! OYAJI!"

     "Nice attitude!" a voice called.  Dan turned around in
shock. How could someone have sneaked into his room without the
mighty Dan noticing? This was impossible! "But the look needs

     "Who are you?" Dan squinted. He couldn't make out the
figure, it was positioned in just the right way so that the
overhead light cloaked it entirely in shadows.

     "I have come to help you!" Dan shuddered. He had an
impression the figure was smiling.  It was not a pleasant
impression. It was almost as bad as his Elvis impression, even.

     "I do not need your help!" Dan shook a manly fist at the
man. "The Saikyo School will triumph all on it's own!"

     "Not likely," the figure laughed in a way that made Dan
almost not want to taunt it anymore. But this was Dan!  He had
taunted fighters and demons and gods, he was not about to be
stymied by this person.

     "I am Dan!" Dan informed it, just in case it didn't already
know. "I am mighty!" he added for good measure, just in case it
had forgotten that, too. "If you do not leave, you will face the
Iron Fists of Dan!"

     "Man you're cool!" the figure cackled again. "Now I remember
why I picked you instead of Cage, He's so BORING!" It raised its
left hand, which glowed. "My right hand is the hand of

     "Then what's your left hand?" Dan asked curiously.

     "Uh..." the figure paused as it realized its mistake. "My,
uh, left hand is the hand of defenestration!" It continued on.
"Bloom oh Dark Seed within,"  it said as it lowered and raised
its left hand again, "Become the Blossom of Annoyance! Flower, oh
Nasty Plant! Germinate the Inner Stupidity and a bunch of other
crap I'm not going to bother coming up with!"

     Dan stared as a red beam of light leaped from the hands of
the figure and impaled him like a bug on a stick...

                                  ***   "And now let's get ready
for the second Gamma match of the evening," Daisuke advised as
the camera panned around the ring.

     "This one promises to be a great one folks!" Hiroshi
exclaimed violently into his microphone, "Both fighters are
desperate for a win, so anything is possible in this match!"

     "With the exception of it being interesting," Tarou amended.

     "The loser of this match receives the not quite so wonderful
honor of being the official Biggest Loser in Ultra!" Hiroshi
roared in approval.

     "You mean they all don't hold that title?" Tarou asked

     "Let's get straight to the action folks," Daisuke said as
"Prepare Yourself" began to play over the speakers. "Because it
looks like our first contender is about to enter the ring!"

     "Our challenger," Touga yelled into the mic, "Hailing from
Hollywood in the USA, the LaLa Land Warrior, Johnny CA~AGE!"

     Johnny Cage walked down the ramp towards the ring, taking
the time to slap the palms or clench the hands of the few people
who offer them. He smiled and V-signs anyone who smiles at him,
so it took him almost a minute to get down to the arena. Then he
wandered around the edge of the ring, doing the same. Finally he
removed his glasses and was about to give them to someone when a
man in a suit, with glasses and blue hair and trailed by two
thugs, walked up to him.

     "Sir," the man said, "I represent the estate of Bret Hart.
You are ordered to cease this unauthorized imitation at once!
Boys." The two thugs grabbed Cage's glasses and threw them to the
ground before stepping on them repeatedly. Johnny could only
stare in shock as the trio left.

     "Hollywood's speechless," Tarou pointed out, "Thank heaven
for small miracles."

     "You're welcome," Kasumi said as she walked past behind

     "Well," Daisuke continued after a second, "Johnny Cage has
entered the ring and now we only await the arrival of perhaps the
favourite contender for the title of Biggest Loser in Ultra." 
'Stone Cold', as performed by Limp Bisket blared over the
speakers. Sparks began to fly out of hidden jets along the other
ramp leading to the ring. However, a narrow path passed through
it where no sparks flew out. "As you can see, a path has been
cleared so he can make his usual entrance. One only hopes he
doesn't fry himself on the way in." 

     "Speak for yourself," Tarou chuckled evilly.

     "And his opponent," Touga yelled as he pointed towards the
rising sparks, "Hailing from right here in Japan, the Man you
either Love or Hate, Stone Cold Dan HIBI~IKI!"

     There was a pause.

     There was a longer pause.

     There was an even longer pause.

     "Where is he?" Daisuke whispered to Hiroshi, who shrugged.

     "Hey," Tarou smirked, "Do you actually -want- him to show

     "..." they fail to comment.

     "Well," Daisuke said slowly, "If he doesn't show up soon,
we'll have to declare Cage the winner by default."

     "Wait," Hiroshi held up his hand, "I've just been told by
the producer that someone has changed the music select for Dan

     'Young, Dumb and Ugly' by Weird Al Yankovic began to blare
over the sound system. Tarou put his face in his palm as Hiroshi
and Daisuke exchanged glances. Then the lights went out all over
the arena, and in a split second are back on. When they return,
Dan Hibiki stood in the centre of the ring. 

     But he had changed.

     He was wearing a pink leather gi, which looked just about as
ridiculous as you could imagine it would. His hair had turned the
colour of burnt molasses, and his skin was now extremely tanned,
so much so that it was peeling in places. A sickly pink aura
surrounded him, and his eyes... his eyes were now glowing pits of
soft mauve light.

     "-I-," Dan said in a voice like a Dark God of Death and
Destruction that had just swallowed a tank of helium, "am SHIN

     There was a healthy silence to accompany this proclamation.
Or at least there would have been, had not Tarou fallen over in
his chair and started laughing so hard he had to struggle to
breathe for a few seconds. Johnny Cage developed a huge sweatdrop
on the back of his head, and even Hiroshi and Daisuke appeared to
be at a loss for words. Finally the voice of all creation summed
it up for everyone.

     "Oh my," Kasumi smiled, "What a nice set of new clothes!" 

     "I am Dan," Dan informed Johnny Cage just in case the other
man had developed a rare case of spontaneous amnesia, "Of the
Arousal of Unpleasant Intent!" Tarou, who had managed to drag
himself to his feet, fell over again. Dan held up his fist and
shook it at Johnny Cage. "Fear my NASTY Power!" He rolled up to
Cage and shook his fist again. "Tremble at the Uncomfortable
Fists of Shin Dan!" He rolled away and came up again, shaking his
fist at everyone. "Swoon at my Mercyfulless Power!" Leaping
skyward, he posed with -both- fists shaking. "I am Not Nice!" He
landed and ran forward, holding his shaking fist in front of him.
"I am Non-educational!" He stopped in front of the stunned Johnny
and pressed his face real close to his opponent's. "I am your
worst daydream!" Dan raised himself onto one foot, held his hands
up and began to slide backwards, leaving a trail of images each
with a different insulting facial feature on it. When he stopped
he turned, posing with a flaming yellow smiley face on his back.
"I am SHIN DAN, the most evil thing since Barney!" 

     "Well," Daisuke spoke first, "This is certainly different."

     "I take back..." Tarou chortled, "What I said," he choked
back a laugh, "About this not," he guffawed, "being

     "Wow!" Hiroshi screamed into his mic, which he had just
ripped out of the table, "This is just an example of what you get
to see in Ultra! You never know what is coming!"

     Johnny Cage resisted the urge to sob softly into his hands.
Why was it he always got to fight the losers and nutjobs, anyway?
He sighed instead and stepped forward. "Okay," he shouted, "Let's
get it on!"

     "You will regret facing evil Dan! RONSOU!"

     Somewhere, in the darkness, Orochi stared in shock. "This,"
he said with a hint of surprise, "Must be his proof..."



     "It's commonly known that all Shotokaners are much faster
and more powerful in their evil state," Daisuke said. "It will be
interesting to see what this does to Dan."

     "I find this terribly amusing..." Tarou said softly, "This
was almost worth being forced to commentate here."

     "It looks like Cage is opening the match!" Hiroshi exclaimed
happily. "He's opening up with his fireballs!"

     "He hopes to draw Dan into a fireball match," Daisuke
nodded, "But what new power does Dan have in that area?"

     Cage's fireball flew down at Dan, who glared at it and
glowed with unpleasant power. "FUKAI GADOKEN!" Dan roared as he
thrust his hand back and then brought it forward. From his palm
sprang a ball of noxious pink light that splattered against the
green flame and cancel it. "Ha! No match for Unpleasant Dan's
superior not likeable power!"

     "Okay," Cage charged forward, attacking with a series of
high crosses to the face. Dan laughed and let them hit him... and
got flung into the ropes for the effort. "Hah!" Cage sneered in

     "Well," Daisuke said, "Even powered up, it's still Dan."

     "FUKAI DANKUUKYAKU!" Shin Dan roared as he bounced off the
ropes and sprang towards Johnny. The other man stepped back and
blocked, unable to dodge in time as Dan flew at him with a triple
air kick while his foot was coated in purple flames. Cage was
forced back, slight burns on his forearms. He growled as Shin Dan
landed in front of him. 

     "Don't count Dan out yet!" Hiroshi commented. Something was
apparently amusing Tarou even more, as he snickered loudly.

     Dan held up a fist, shaking it wildly. "My nasty strength is
too much for you!" Then he sniffed loudly. He pauses, sniffed
again, and looked down. Apparently the flaming kicks managed to
ignite the lower portion of his gi. "AIIIEE!!" Dan ran around in
a circle, hopping from one foot to the next as flames threatened
to reach further up his pants to his 'very special' area.

     "Shadow Kick!" Cage took full advantage of the distraction
to slide forward, trailing green-black images, and slammed a foot
into Dan's stomach. Thankfully, this sent Dan flying so fast it
extinguished his legs. "This is pathetic."

     Dan sprung to his feet like one of those annoying inflatable
boxing clowns and shook his mighty fist at the Hollywood hero.
"It will take more than that to fell me, the unrighteous SHIN

     "If you insist," Johnny shrugged and fell down, doing
perfect splits and smacking his fist into the aforementioned
"very special" area. Unpleasant Dan's eyes widened and his mouth
opened and closed a few dozen times before he staggered back.
Johnny stood up and smiled.

     "Oh," Hiroshi said softly while crossing his legs, "That has
GOT to hurt."

     "Indeed," Daisuke said as he winced.

     "I would feel sorry for him," Tarou said, "But I don't

     "Let's end this!" Johnny leaped into the air lashing out
with a spin kick. Dan ducked, clenching his fist in response.

     "Shin Dan will return the favor!"  Unrighteous Dan cried in
a strained voice, "FUKAI KORYUUKEN!" Dan launched himself up in
the archetypical Shotokan uppercut. Cage yelled, but was unable
to change his flight path as Dan's fist rocketed upward. The heel
of Cage's foot caught Dan on the head but this didn?t stop the
upward momentum as Dan's fist flew in-between Cage's legs.


     There was a solemn moment of respectful silence. Even Tarou
had nothing to say about this. Every man in the stadium took off
his hat, placing it over his heart. The orchestra began to play
'taps' as Johnny Cage crumpled to the mat. Shin Dan also fell,
obviously unconscious. The ref looked at both of them, saw
neither was rising and with practised ease began the ten count.


     "That has to be the most painful move I have ever seen,"
Hiroshi said finally.

     "For once," Tarou nodded, "I agree with you."


     "Wait," Daisuke pointed, "Cage is getting up!"

     "Oh my Goddess!" Hiroshi yelled into his microphone. "The
man is superhuman!"

     "Pinky is getting up too," Tarou pointed out.

     In the ring, Johnny had crawled over the ropes and pulled
himself to his feet. With a soft squeal of pain he let go,
staggering to what approximated a fighting stance. Given his
current condition, nobody was about to criticise.

     Shin Dan had also begun to rise. He kippuped with ease,
landing on his feet, clutched his head and nearly falls over
again. He growled, shaking his fist at Cage. "You will fall
before the Uncomfortable Fists of Dan!"
     "You," Cage squealed, "Are going to die."

     Dan laughed at him, and then pulled back his fist. "Face the
true might of Shin Dan!" The pink aura around Dan exploded to
life, gathering and fluctuating in a series of waves that drew
into his open hand. "SHINKUU..." Dan roared, "FUKAI GADOKEN!"
Cage tried to step aside, but the pain was too great and he could
only watch as Dan pushed forward, drawing a ball of flaming pink
energy half as big as himself along with it. Dan, having finished
his yell, pushed his ball forward. Cage desperately crossed his
arms to block... and the ball remained there, having not moved an
inch from Dan's palm. Dan stared at this in fascination for a
moment, then the ball fell from his hand, landing neatly on his
foot. There was a rather large explosion to accompany this event.

     As the concussion clears laughter can be heard echoing
through the arena, Tarou having apparently decided this was the
funniest thing since sliced bread. Johnny stared at Dan, who had
been blasted backwards and entangled in the ropes. Then he began
to laugh as well, although he winced every now and then as he

     "Well," Hiroshi said, "I think that ends it..."

     "We can certainly hope so," Daisuke muttered.

     "Aw," Tarou mock pouted, "That was the best match of the


     Everyone turned to see that Unpleasant Dan was -still-

     "I am not finished yet! RONSOU!" Dan image-teleported out of
the ropes and faced Johnny Cage. "Now I unleash the ultimate
technique of the Arousal of Unpleasant Intent!"

     "Here it comes," Tarou sighed, "The Instant Hell Murder,
which every Dark Shotokaner simply -has- to do."

     "Didn't he already use that move against Sagat in the last
tournament?" Daisuke asked.

     "I think so!" Hiroshi exclaimed for no good reason. "But
Cage looks worried!"

     Johnny tried to shift his stance. He'd heard of the Instant
Hell Murder, the fabled killing technique. He'd studied a lot
before entering the federation, and this was one of the things he
had learned. He wasn't sure he could survive it, even coming from
this guy. His only hope was to hit Shin Dan out of the move
before he got a chance to grab hold...

     "Face my unrighteous power!" Shin Dan roared and stepped
back. "Kyotaka Himietengu No Yama Tobikakaru!" Johnny stops,
baffled by the excessively long attack name as Unpleasant Dan
leaped into the air. There the Pink Nastiness performed a series
of utterly ridiculous and physically impossible gyrations of his
arms and legs. There were multiple snapping sounds as his bones
broke from being flung at angles they were not meant to bend. The
Hollywood Hero could only stare in awe at this utterly stupid
attack. And thus he didn't even notice as Dan descended on him
stomach-first and performed the belly flop to end all belly
flops. When the smoke cleared, which didn't take long as there
was no smoke, Dan sat in a yoga position atop the unconscious
Cage, the flaming yellow smiley face prominent on his back.

     "Uh," Touga looked at the announcers, who all shrugged. "The
winner...Shin Dan Hibiki!"

     Dan nodded as he stood up... and then fell over in pain,
struck his head on Cage's foot and fell unconscious.

     "Well," Hiroshi breathed, "That was exciting, wasn't it

     "That isn't the word I'd use," Tarou chuckled evilly.

     "Well be back with our Lambda Division title match and more
on UltraRage after these messages," Daisuke said in a bored tone.

     "Like what UltraRage is, for starters?" Tarou asked

                                  *** Yotsuya adjusted his hair,
using his reflection in the camera lens for reference. This job
was turning out to be more and more interesting every minute. It
certainly helped to fill the void in his life young Godai had so
callously left by having the audacity to become a normal person.
Unfortunately, it did have its down sides. Like being forced to
interview certain people that Yotsuya would rather not be in the
same plane of existence as if he could help it.

     "Greetings," Yotsuya said cheerfully as the on-air light
came on. "I'm here waiting the arrival of one of tonight's main
attraction competitors, the Dark Messiah, Sephiroth." A flash of
white blocked out the screen and when it cleared a new figure
stood next to him. The black-clothed form of the silver-haired
swordsman cast a dark presence upon the area.

     "I am here," Sephiroth said simply.

     "Sephiroth," Yotsuya thrust the microphone into the
ex-SOLDIER's face, "What do you think of your chances against
Orochi, the self-styled God of Hatred are?"

     "I will win," Sephiroth said, in a voice that you suspected
would sound quiet no matter how loudly he actually talked. 

     "Er," Yotsuya searched for something to ask in the wake of
that, "Will you challenge the champion again after that?"

     "I need no title," Sephiroth told him in a tone like liquid
helium, "But I shall take it from the Evangelion Unit if

     "You mean you don't want the title," Yotsuya blinked, "Then
why are you here?"

     Sephiroth looked at the camera, "And I looked, and beheld a
pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell
followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth
part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with
death, and with the beasts of the earth."

     "Well," Yotsuya replied laconically, "That certainly
explains a lot."

     "It explains too much," a voice interrupted them. Yotsuya
grinned evilly; he loved this job. With a flourish he turned to
see that a Japanese youth with unusual red eyes was staring hard
at Sephiroth. Yotsuya and the cameraman fell back to their usual
position just within hearing range. "You are not the One," Kaworu
told Sephiroth evenly, "Yet."

     "A mere formality," Sephiroth said coolly, "After The
Apocalypse I shall be victorious and I shall be the One."

     "Do not presume too much," Kaworu warned him. "The Rapture
shall only come to he that is most worthy."

     "The Son of God?" Sephiroth sneered.

     "The Lamb," Kaworu corrected easily.

     "I will destroy him," Sephiroth replied with icy tones.

     "That remains to be seen."

     The two stared at each other for another moment. Then
Sephiroth crossed his arms and flew backward into the air, fading
into a white light as he departed. Yotsuya ran up to Kaworu and
shoved the microphone in his face.

     "Do you have any comments?"

     "No," Kaworu sighed.

     "What do you have to say to the allegations that you
actually want a much more intimate relationship with the Omega
champion then you already have?"
     Kaworu fell over. "What kind of question is -that-?"

     "A interesting one," Yotsuya smiled.

     "I don't have to answer that!"

     "Denial is only used to hide the truth," Yotsuya said in a
mysterious and somber tone.

     Kaworu gave him a flat look before walking out of the room.
He muttered several things under his breath, the sound system
managed to catch little bits such as "wrong about humanity after
all..." and "how did I get into..." but nothing much

     "Well that was interesting," Yotsuya smiled to the camera. 


     "Heyhey folks!" Hiroshi yelled in his Excited Voice #23
("I'm back on TV again! Wai!"), "Welcome back to the action here
on ULTRA! The BEST federation in ALL creation!"

     "Next up we have the only Lambda League match of the
evening," Daisuke drawled, "The Title defense by the insanely
popular Aensland clan..."

     "Gee," Tarou muttered, "I wonder why?"

     "... and the least popular pair in Ultra," Daisuke
continued, as if Tarou hadn't said anything.

     "Garden In My Room" by Merril Bainbridge began to play over
the sound system. A horde of bats erupted from the doorway at the
end of one of the entrance ramps and began to flutter around the
stadium. The flight patterns of the dark creatures created
complex visual symbols as their shadows blocked out the overhead
lights. Touga enters the center of the ring and smiles.

     "Please welcome our Champions!" Touga roars into the
microphone as the bats spun into a cyclone. "Hailing from
Scotland and the Majiken, the demonic angel and the angelic
demon," he yelled as the whirlwind of spinning bats descended
into the ring and formed in a boiling cloud. "Morrigan and
Lilith, Clan Aensland!" The bats suddenly shot together, forming
into two dense formations, and in a flash of pink and purple
light they reverted into the by now familiar forms of everyone's
favorite succubi.

     "Clan Aensland certainly displayed the flair we've come to
expect from this demonic duet!" Hiroshi chanted.

     "With costumes like that," Tarou drawled, "Who needs flair?"

     "That may be," Daisuke replied laconically, "But against
Team Hentai that may be more of a hindrance than a help." 

     "Team..." Tarou began slowly, "Hentai..."

     "I thought you were briefed," Hiroshi blinked audibly, "on
all the teams."

     "That's one way to put it," Tarou muttered, "But I never
received anything about a Team Hentai."

     Morrigan and Lilith were working up the crowd (in more ways
than one) when the music changed. "Come to Butt-head" by Mike
Judge defiled the sound system as two figures began to hop down
towards the ring from the opposite side of the Ultradome. "And
their challengers," Touga said in a disaffected voice, "From
Nerima Japan, Team Hentai with Ataru and..."


     Everyone stared at Tarou as he leaped up in his chair. They
stared at him not because of his violent outburst, but because he
had yelled so loud he hadn't needed the microphone to carry his
words all across the stadium. Tarou clenched and unclenched his
fists, veins bulging along his corded muscles and his left
eyebrow twitching up and down spasmodically. "I should have
known..." he hissed, "That the old freak is involved in this!"

     "Hey," Happousai leaped up and down, "It's my old student
Pant..." A well-tossed steel chair stopped Happousai in
mid-speech as he was forced to dodge. "How rude! Don't you have
any respect for your master?"

     "I'll respect you straight back to hell, you old freak!"
Tarou growled.

     "Hey!" Ataru butted in, "No fighting before the match! This
is serious, pops, we need you in top shape for this."

     "Heh," the tiny dwarf of a man grinned, his
disproportionately large face split in two in an evil manner.
"We'll settle this later, Pan..." He was cut off as Tarou flung
the announcer's table at him. Thankfully the other two had
grabbed their microphones before he did this. "I have a match to

     "Damn," Tarou sat down, "This gets worse by the minute."



      Happousai and Ataru entered the ring. Both teams conferred
for a moment, and then the scantily-clad child succubus and the
perverted martial arts master entered the ring.

     "You're too young," Happousai informed her, "Send in your
lovely sister instead."

     "I'm more woman than you can handle," Lilith said past the
same type of look one gives things one has just seen swimming in
ones toilet. 

     "This match is scheduled for one fall," Touga cried as he
leapt over the ropes. "With a thirty minute time limit. Begin!"

      "Look at them move!" Hiroshi yelled as Happousai and Lilith
blurred and exhanged blows. "These fighters are fast and

     "They aren't the only ones," Tarou said darkly.

     "You have a grudge against Happousai I take it?" Daisuke
asked him.

     "You could say that," Tarou replied evenly. "And no, I won't
tell you why."

     "And Lilith knocks back Happousai with her famous Soul
Flash!" Hiroshi yells excitedly, "But wait, Happousai gets up
seemingly unharmed!"

     "Why don't you join the Federation to get at him?"

     "Are you nuts boy?" Tarou snorted, "There is no way I am
getting up there and prancing around in front of billions of
people so I can show off my moves." He smirked, "I'll leave that
to all of these second rate fighters."

     "Lilith knocks away several of Happousai's fuse bombs!"
Hiroshi told everyone in glowing terms, "And counters with her
Shining Blade wing uppercut!" 

     "But you could get at Happousai," Daisuke pointed out.

     "Shounen," Tarou told him evenly, "If I wanted to beat up
Happousai, I wouldn't need to use this federation as a excuse. I
would just do it."

     "But Happousai is STILL coming folks," Hiroshi shouted
ecstatically, "In fact he doesn't appear to be hurt in the
slightest by Lilith's attacks!"

     "So as you can see," Tarou smirked, "I have no reason to
enter this Ultra nonsense. Though I am beginning to enjoy making
fun of all the second-rate losers in it." Tarou chuckles evilly,
"I can't wait until fem-boy's match."

     "Brilliant Shower!" Lilith calls out desperately and dozens
of pink bats fly out at Happousai. He only grins and lets it hit
him; as the smoke clears he remains unharmed.

     "Hah!" Happousai grinned, "You're no match for me, little

     "But that isn't possible," Lilith pouted.

     "Lilith better come up with something soon," Hiroshi yelled
out as Happousai pushed her back towards her partner. "Or this
match will be over pretty fast."

     "Oh," Tarou snorted, "It's obvious why it doesn't work."

     "What doesn't work?" Daisuke asked in genuine confusion.

     "Her attack type," Tarou nodded as Lilith executed a Soul
Spin that Happousai easily absorbed and knocked her back. "Can't
you figure it out?"

     "No," Daisuke muttered.

     "It's easy," Ataru grinned as he leaned down next to the
table, "Happousai's power is based on his proximity to the aura
beautiful women radiate." Ataru pointed at Lilith. "Her powers
are like some form of concentrated cuteness or something, so
Happousai can easily absorb her attack and make himself

     "That's the short of it," Tarou grunted. "Ecchi-boy there
got most of it right. At this rate the old freak will easily beat

     "Ah," Ataru winked, "But the best is yet to come!"

     "That's enough, Lilith!" Morrigan called in vexation, "Get
back over here." Lilith leaped, getting great distance as she
extended her wings and glided over to her partner. The tag was
made and Morrigan stepped into the ring. Happousai backed off but
gave her a suggestive leer. "You want me," Morrigan tossed her
hair and strutted forward, "Come and take me."

     "That's my cue," Ataru leaped onto the lip of the ring.
Happousai grinned and tagged Ataru in, Ataru stepped through the
ropes but Happousai didn't return to his position.

     "A double team?" Hiroshi blinked audibly, "Isn't that

     "Technically," Daisuke said, "They have until a ten count to
get their illegal man back outside the ropes."

     "They won't need ten seconds..." Tarou said darkly.
     "Team Hentai special technique!" Ataru yelled as he runs
towards Morrigan. She gave him a bored look.

     "Anything Goes Team-up!" Happousai yelled as he leaped onto
Ataru's shoulder.


     Happousai lunged forward, a swift whack from Ataru's cricket
bat sends him flying even faster. Morrigan saw where he was
aiming and dodged aside, but Ataru is there and he latched onto
her... uh... that is... posterior region. She hissed, turning to
face him, but Happousai has bounced off the ropes and riccochets
straight into the center of her clevage. Morrigan roared,
elbowing him so he slides down her body, but Ataru stuck  a foot
up between her legs to catch him and Happousai reawakens in a
very advantageous position. This continued for several more
seconds, with Ataru assisting Happousai everytime he gets in
trouble and vice versa. Finally Morrigan flew into the air and
spun rapidly, somehow managing to dislodge the two who collapsed
to the ground with big stupid grins on their faces. The audience
watches on with looks of mingled disgust and envy.

     "I never," Morrigan growled, "In all my life..."

     "Could have fooled me," Tarou yawned.

     "Lilith," Morrigan commanded, landing next to her sister,
"Time for plan B."

     "Oh boy!" Lilith bounced up and down, "Plan B! I love Plan
B! What's plan B?"

     "Give me your hand..." Morrigan offered her hand.
Understanding dawned in the young succubi's eyes and she latched
onto her 'sisters' hand. "And be with me..."

     Happousai perked up as he noticed the light that was now
streaming out of his opponents' corner. "This could be bad..." he

     "Oh boy," Tarou rubbed his hands together. "This could be

     "What's going on?" Ataru asked intelligently.

     "I am immortal," a new figure stepped out of the corner. It
looked like Morrigan, but was wearing the pink and purple costume
of the younger succubus, who had seemingly disappeared. "I am
Liligan. Prepare for the ultimate experience."

     "Wow!" Ataru's tongue lolled out, "That costume is even
-tighter- than her other one!"

     "You fool!" Happousai roared, "Get out of there..." Several
bats began to circle around Liligan and she flew into the air.
Her mouth opened slightly and she pushed both hands down her
body. "Too late..."

     "Tai ju ho," she said slowly, the bats forming into a cone
in front of her. Ataru's eyes widened, but it was too late to
move. "SOUL ERASER!" A giant beam of laser-like purple light
lanced out of her fists, refracting against all the bats. Then
dozens of beams struck down, reducing the ring to a flaming
splintered rubble heap in seconds. Happousai managed to dodge,
but Ataru falls to the ground burnt to a crisp. The bats around
Liligan cease flying, and as she floats down they begin to form
into the shape of the younger Lilith. Morrigan's costume has
returned to normal.

     "Wow!" Hiroshi let his breath out explosively. "That was
BIG! I mean Big!"

     "And he's not referring to her bra size," Daisuke drawled.
"But the fact remains, is this match over, who won and who
hasn't? Is it legal to destroy the ring like that?"

     "Does anybody care?"

     "Wait," Hiroshi cupped his ear, "I'm getting a call from the
booth, apparently Kasumi-kami-sama has decided to award the match
to Clan Aensland!"

     "Naturally," Morrigan buffed her fingernails on her wings.

     "Teehee!" Lilith rocked back and forth. "We beat the nasty

     "Not fair!" Happousai cried, "Not fair!"

     "But it is," Touga spoke into his microphone as he walked
into the middle of the debris field. "Ataru was the legal man in
your team," he explained, "and God has ruled that there was only
-one- combatant in the ring for Clan Aensland when they got the
KO so without further ado I declare the winners..." He paused and
held up Morrigan's hand while Lilith danced behind them. "Clan

     "Stupid rules," Happousai growled as he picked up the
unconscious Ataru and flung him over his shoulders. "You haven't
seen the last of me!"

     "Well," Hiroshi commented as he looked at the destruction.
"While we wait for the replacement ring to arrive now seems as
good a time as ever to give you the UltraRage Report!"

     "What?" Daisuke said, "You didn't think we were prepared to
deal with the fact that our rings might be trashed at one point
or another?"

     "Yay," Tarou muttered, "UltraRage report to your hearts
content. I'm getting some sleep."


     -Commercial Break-

     Voiceover: The forces of darkness have always hidden in the

     (Orochi standing outside the Gambit/David match with most of
his frame cloaked in darkness.)

     (Lilith and Morrigan obscured by a cloud of bats.)

     (Iori Yagami silhouetted by a background of purple flames)

     Voiceover: No more...

     (Pictures of Sephiroth, Infurita, CyberAkuma and others
float past)

     Voiceover: The forces of light have always had a sanctuary.

     (EVA-1 standing over Shinji protectivelly inside the
geofront at Tokyo-3)

     (Gambit, Wolverine and Shadowcat standing just outside a
familiar-looking mansion in Manchester.)

     (Ash, with several Pikachu's crawling over him in a hidden
glen in a deep forest.)

     Voiceover: No more...

     (Pictures of Ken, Lina, Mai and Andy and others float past.)

     Voiceover: This summer...

     (The pearly gates, the entrance to heaven. A place of
pristine beauty and utter serenity. Holy lights guide the way for
the newcoming souls to find their way to Eden)

     Voiceover: Hell storms the pearly gates.

     (The gates explode as red demonic fire sweeps across the
formerly tranquil scenery.)

     Voiceover: Old favorites!

     (Pictures of Washu, Ranma and others)

     Voiceover: And new challengers?

     Voiceover: Everything begins and ends here!

     (Pictures from various matches so far, Ken and Gambit, Lina
and Orochi and others flash by in rapid succession)

     Voiceover: Prepare yourself for the ultimate battle to end
all battles!

     (Tokyo tower, which is suddenly surrounded by dozens of
portals disgorging everyone in the Omega league)

     Voiceover: The Apocalypse is at hand, and it's only
available on Pay-Per-View!


     Voiceover: UltraRage Alpha: Rumble at the Pearly Gates,
brought to you by the BEST federation in ALL creation!

     Find out more at our website:


     It's the END of sports entertainment as we know it.

     -Commercial Break-


     "Wow!" Hiroshi exclaimed in his excited voice #32 ("I get
royalties for every person who tunes into this thing!") "That has
got to be awesome!"

     "So far the card is still in flux," Daisuke commented,
"Depending on who has the title when it airs."

     "Unless Pinky wins the belt," Tarou said in a saccharine
manner, "None of them will be worth watching anyway."

     "One thing we do know for sure is that the main event will
be a battle of truly biblical proportions!" Hiroshi yelled.

     "The Tokyo Tower Apocalypse Brawl," Daisuke nodded. "Every
Omega fighter will be there in an all-out brawl with the last one
left standing winning."

     "This I HAVE to see!" Hiroshi grinned with pure glee.

     "Preferably from several dimensions over," Tarou yawned.

     "And now on with the final three matches of our show,"
Daisuke informed everyone, "first up is a newcomer versus a
seasoned vet in the Gamma division."

     "I'm sure all you little perverts are just dying to see this
show," Tarou snorted. "Scanti-puss and Shotokan-boy won't last a

     "Well," Hiroshi broke in before Daisuke could ask Tarou
something, "As you can see the ring has been replaced so let's
head straight to the action.

     Touga looked around nervously. He'd thought this job was
going to be fairly simple, but after that last match he wasn't so
sure anymore. They should have put the Liligan woman in the Omega
league as far as he was concerned. But he had a task to perform,
and as always perform it he would, and perform it well.

     "Ladies and gentlemen," he called out, "May I present to you
tonight's challenger, fledgling to the federation but already
popular with the fans. Hailing from the Demon Realm..." He paused
as 'Cat Scratch Fever' started over the sound system and the
orchestra picked up. "FELI~ICIA!"

     A bundle of hyperkenetic white and flesh colored joy leaped
into the ring and proceeded to bounce around like a kid in a
candy store. Felicia danced back and forth, waving to all her
fans and giving them all thumbs up as they roared in approval
(particularly at the bouncing part). Her erstwhile green-skinned
companion also roared in approval from his position that is not
surrounded by any other fans for some reason. She snatched the
mic from Touga.

     "Konbanwa!" she smiled prettily, "I'd like to thank everyone
for all your support!" the crowd roared some more. "I just want
to have fun so don't anybody take this too seriously!" she
winked. The crowd ate it up, as might be expected.

     "I think I feel my teeth decaying," Tarou muttered.

     Felicia handed the microphone back to Touga, who smiled
winningly at her, eliciting a blush. Felicia's music died down a
new tune broke in, this time its ?More Than Love?. "And her
opponent," Touga cried, "From America, second disciple of the
Shotokan school of karate, please welcome, Ken Ma~asters!"

     Ken leaped from the stage entrance and gave everyone a
thumbs-up. He then strutted down to the ring, flashing everyone
the smile that made him the most popular All-American karate
champion of his generation. Climbing into the ring, he turned the
smile at Felicia, who smiled back. Then he grabber
her...uh...paw, kissing it like a true gentlemen.

     "Charmed my lady," Ken smiled at her, "I hope you don't take
this sort of thing personally."

     "Oh," Felicia grinned at him. "I don't!"

     "I didn't know Shotokan-boy was into bestiality..." Tarou
said evenly.

     "..." Hiroshi's jaw hit the new table with an audible thud.

     "Are you calling Felicia a beast?" Daisuke said slowly.

     "You mean," Tarou looked at him like one might look at
someone who had just told you he rapes chickens in order to teach
people to read, "You would actually date that half-breed?" He
shook his head. "This whole federation is sick."

     "If you hate it so much," Hiroshi asked coldly, "Why are you
even here?"

     "Have you ever tried to say no to God?"

     ", not really," Daisuke blinked.

     "I have," Tarou muttered in a tone which showed how
effective that was, "Repeatedly."



     "This match is scheduled for one fall," Touga informed
everyone and vaulted out of the ring, "With a thirty minute time
limit. Begin!"


     "Ken starts off early with his famous Dragon Punch!" Hiroshi
called out excitedly.


     "These punches are crippling!" Hiroshi cried, "Watch as he
rises higher with every blow!"


     "And there it is!" Hiroshi leaned back and yelled into the
sky, "The famous Flaming Dragon Punch! Ken's signature move!"


     "And now Ken is already moving into the Storm of Dragon
Punches!" Hiroshi said in his excited voice #87 ("That looks
really cool!") "This move is a blistering array of rapid fire
flaming uppercuts that Felicia has NO defence against!"


     "WOW!" Hiroshi screamed, "The 'God of Dragon Punch!' this
move is truly spectacular! Look at how he conjures a pillar of
flaming ki to accompany the unbridled spinning uppercut of pure
destruction! Nothing in Gamma can survive that!"

     Ken landed and turned to face the audience, holding up his
hand in a V-sign. "Yatta ze!"

     "Most impressive," Tarou deadpanned. "He might try actually
going over and using them on his opponent next time, however."

     "Indeed," Daisuke nodded.

     Felicia walked over from where she was standing safely half
the ring away from his punches, and kicked Ken in the face. Ken
fell back, bouncing against the ropes. Recovering quickly, he
attacked  again, this time actually bothering to throw moves at

     "That must have knocked some sense into him," Daisuke

     "If that were true," Tarou amended, "He would have quit the

     "Ken is really going all out here!" Hiroshi exclaimed
wildly, "This is how he earned his reputation as the most
aggressive of the Shotokan disciples!"

     "Felicia seems hard pressed to defend herself," Daisuke
noted. "I think her lack of formal training is showing here,
folks. Her natural speed and agility are good but in the enclosed
arena of the ring she can not possibly take full advantage of

     Ken and Felicia danced back and forth, but Ken is always on
the offensive end. Felicia dodged and blocked and evaded attacks,
but is always stuck too close to Ken to get enough space to start
up anything really effective on the offense. Ken slashed at her
with a spinning hurricane kick that he quickly moves out of into
a series of hand and leg strikes that pelt her like hail stones.
Felicia yowled as a kick finally landed, tossing her into the
corner. Ken smirked, stepping in front of her.

     "Stuck in the corner like that," Tarou commented dryly,
"Scanti-puss is dog meat."

     "You said that before about Gambit too," Daisuke reminded

     "But fanboy's wet dream up there doesn't have the skill
Gambit does," Tarou pointed out coolly.
     "I'll give you a chance to concede," Ken told her with
another winning smile, "I don't want to hurt you if I don't have

     "No," Felicia shook her head and stood ready to face him
down, "Let's finish this like real fighters!"

     "Fine by me," Ken shrugged. Felicia hissed and leaped at him
as Ken cocked back his foot. "SHINPU JINRAI KYAKU!" Ken spins
forward and lashed out, his first kick caught Felicia in the
stomach, and then he exploded as he unleashed a torrent of kicks
that ignite the air and send flames licking over her body. He
finished with a rising kick that carried her a good ten feet into
the air before finally sending her collapsing to the mat below.
Ken landed next to her with a sigh.

     "Sorry babe," Ken said with a placating smile, "But I gave
you the chance to back down."

     "The winner!" Touga yelled as he raised Ken's hand, "Ken

     "Told you so," Tarou informed the other two as Ken left the

     "A spectacular match," Hiroshi approved, "Let's go back
stage to where Mr. Yotsuya is going to get some post battle
comments from Mr. Masters!"

     The scene shifted suddenly to the area just backstage.
Yotsuya started, moving his hands away from his eyebrows, and
concealed his tweezers quickly. "Thank you," Yotsuya smiled
laconically, "In just a few seconds I will be joined by Ken
Masters, who has managed to win his first Gamma division match."

     "Hey," Ken called as he entered the camera?s field of

     "Mr. Masters," Yotsuya thrust the microphone into Ken's
face, "How do you respond to allegations that you are actually a
cheap copy of the much more famous Shotokan disciple Ryu?"

     "What?" Ken blinked.

     "Do you deny that he is the better fighter?"

     "Well..." Ken waffled, "We haven't really ever faced each
other except the once and I've gotten a lot better since then..."
Ken frowned, "Hey, what does this have to do with Ultra?"

     "Nothing," Yotsuya smiled, "I was just curious."

     "If you don't have anything..."

     "How do you comment on the recent incident with Dan Hibiki?"

     "That?" Ken blinked, "I don't know, I've seen people who use
Shotokan go insane before but it's Dan, I think he's harmless,"
he grimaces, "More or less."

     "How does that dragon thing go again?" a voice called from
off screen. The group turned, to see that two more people had
entered the staging area. The black-haired boy in the red Chinese
shirt was muttering under his breath as his newly-acquired
student wrote something down in his notebook. "You do a spear
motion and..."

     "That's SPIRAL!" Ranma screamed while waving his fists in
the air, "Spiral motion!" He turned to the other boy, "You can't
perform the move with a spear motion, that's just stupid!"

     "S-p-i-r-a-l," Shingo spelled out, writing furiously in his

     "Hey Saotome!" Ken stepped in front of the younger martial

     "Masters?" Ranma blinked, "What do you want?"

     "Just here to inform you that I won a match, so you can look
forward to me challenging you for the title soon enough," Ken
grinned, "That is if you don't lose it to Sakura first!"

     "Lose?" Ranma sneered, "To a girl? You have GOT to be

     Ranma was cut off as the ceiling over his head exploded
downward. He looked up just in time to see a figure smash into
him in a head on head ram and bounce over into the corner. The
camera switches, and we see that it is the single-eyed figure of

     "Look out below!" The camera pans back to see Ranma weaving
about in a drunken manner when another, much, much larger figure
falls through the hole and collides with Ranma's head feet-first.
Ranma's eyes roll into the back of his head and he falls over.
"Oh man," the tall green-skinned orange haired man grumbled, "I
told you to move..."

     "Why have you ambushed the Gamma champion before his match?"
Yotsuya thrusted the microphone into the metahuman wrestler's

     "Ambushed? Gamma League?" Rico blinked, "What are you
talking about?"

     "Woah," Ken said from where he was kneeling next to Ranma's
unconcious frame, "The kid seems to be out of it. I don't think
he'll be up for a couple of hours at least."

     "As you can see," Yotsuya said accusingly, "You have just
forced the Champion to forfeit his match, how can you defend this
attack out of the blue?"

     "Attack?" Bart grumbled, "We didn't attack anyone!"

     "How are you still conscious?" Ken pointed, "You just flew
head first through the ceiling and then smacked him with your

     "There is nothing thicker than a Fatima's skull," Rico
commented sagely.

     "You cost Ranma his title defense!" Shingo fell into
something that vaguely resembled Ranma's fighting stance, "I will
not forgive you!"

     "We didn't attack him!" Rico roared at Shingo; it was
impressive that the young man did not back down when faced with
all that bulk. "We were catapulted into low earth orbit and then
-wham-" he smacked his fist into his palm, "We just sort of

     "That's our story and we're stickin' to it," Bart added.

     "Shut up!" Rico roared at him too, "It's your stupid fault
we're here in the first place!"

     "Nobody asked you to come after me!"

     "I won't forgive you!" with that Rico leaped at his former
ally and proceeded to beat him into a bloody pulp.

     "What a strange series of events," Yotsuya commented slowly,
"It looks like Ranma will have to forfeit the match..."

     "Never!" Shingo snatched the microphone from Yotsuya's hand,
eliciting a flat look from the interviewer, "As Ranma-sensei's
student I will defend the honor of the Anything Blows School of
Martial Arts!"

     "That's Anything Goes I believe," Yotsuya pointed out

     "Whatever!" Shingo yelled, "I will take on the challenger to
defend Ranma-sensei's honor!"

     "Oh my," a voice called and everyone turned to see God step
into the room. "This is quite a mess isn't it?"

     "Who's she?" Rico asked over Bart's fallen form.

     "That's God," Ken told him.

     "Again?" Rico groaned, "What is it with me and gods showing

     "Please," Shingo kneeled in front of Kasumi and grasped her
hand, "Let me defend the honor of my fallen teacher, Kasumi-san!
I must do it!"

     "Well," Kasumi smiled, "If it means that much to you."

     "I won't let you down!" Shingo picked up Ranma's unconscious
frame and screamed into his new sensei's face, "I will defend the
honor of your school!" With that he dropped Ranma, who made an
audible whack sound as the back of his head collided with the
concrete, and sprinted out of the staging area.

     "As for you two," Kasumi smiled apologetically at Rico and
the battered Bart. "I think I should speak with you about


     "Tonight's challenger," Touga roared as the crowd began to
work itself up into a frenzy of excitement, "Hailing from Japan,
the Sexiest Woman in Gamma League, SA~AKURA!" The crowd went
wild, posters with various pictures from last week's match with
Sofia going up all across the arena. Sakura buried her face in
the hands to hide the furious blush that was creeping across it.
David, who walked along beside her, chuckled to himself.

     "I don't know what I was thinking," Sakura muttered under
her breath, "I'll never live this down!"

     "I don't know," David put his thumbs in his pockets and
leaned back as he walks, "Ayup, I think it's pretty nice to be
dating the sexiest woman in Gamma Division."

     "And who said we were dating!" Sakura turned red-faced and
waves her fist at him.

     "Notintheface!" David cried as he shrank back.

     "The crowd is certainly excited to see Sakura this evening!"
the person, who if you don't know who they are you haven't been
reading this fanfic, said.

     "Fan-girl certainly has a following," Tarou yawned, "Though
they are more likely fans of that leather get-up of hers."

     "Well, she didn't wear it tonight," Daisuke pointed out.

     "Too bad," Tarou chuckled evilly, "Her and fem-boy could
have duked it out for that sexiest woman title again."
     "Wait," Hiroshi cupped his hand over his ear, "I've just
been informed that Ranma will NOT be in this match!"

     "Oh no," Tarou sighed with mock pain, "Whatever shall I do
with no fem-boy to annoy!"

     "Ladies and gentlemen," Touga said carefully, "Due to
unforeseen injuries Ranma Saotome will be unable to defend  the
Gamma Division Championship tonight."

     "What!" Sakura screamed at him, "But if I don't get that
belt I'll never be able to get Ryu to finally notice me and lose
all his self-control and want to make mad passionate..." David
cleared his throat audibly, "...respect. Mad passionate respect!
I mean get him to respect me..."

     "Sadly," Tarou chuckled evilly, "I can much more easily
picture the Training Dummy giving her mad passionate respect 
than the other thing."

     "Or perhaps not so sadly," Daisuke added.


     "In his place," Touga adds as he back away from Sakura
slightly, "We present the new student of the Saotome Anything 
Goes School of Martial Arts, SHINGO YA~ABUKI!" 

     ~o/Get busy now.../o~

     The music picked up as the recent movie version of the Lost
in Space theme played out. Shingo ran down the entrance ramp,
frantically examining his notes. He was so intent on examining
them, in fact, that he didn't see the ring before running into it
face-first. Tarou snickered.

     "The bookworm is almost as amusing as Pinky," he judged as
Shingo climbed into the ring and put his notebook away.

     "Yes," Daisuke agreed, "But Shingo and Sakura are much
closer in skill than many other competitors in this contest."

     "This means we're going to have a spectacular match folks!"

     "Fine," Sakura sighed and took up a fighting stance. David
patted her on the shoulder before stepping between the ropes  and
standing at ringside. "I can wait for my title shot!"



     "I won't go easy on you!" Shingo saaid as he stared at
Sakura hard. She was kinda cute really...
     "Don't expect me to either!"

     "This match is scheduled for one fall," Touga yelled. "No
title is being defended in this match either. There is a
thirty-minute time limit, begin!" he leapt out of the ring.

     "Amaguriken No Hisou Gisei!" Shingo yelled as he charged. He
pumped his fists back and forth at something less than supersonic
speeds, which Sakura dodged back from. "What?  You shouldn't be
able to avoid my lightning fist!"

     "Those weren't exactly lightning fists," Sakura informed

     "Damn," Shingo pulled out his notebook, "There has to be
something here that will work against you..."

     "Hey!" Sakura yelled at him, "This is an arena, not a
library! Shunpuukyaku!"

     Shingo stammered and rolled to the side as Sakura performed
a short hop and flailed her legs at him. He came up and looked 
at his book once more. 

     "I don't know who is copying the more pathetic fighter,"
Tarou sighed, "Or who is doing it worse, for that matter."

     "Ah-hah!" Shingo sneered, putting the book away. "That
reminds me. Now I hate to use this technique on you, but you
leave me no choice."

     "Do whatever you want," Sakura shrugged and dashed in with a
overhead strike, Shingo dodged to the side and Sakura attacked 
again, but he moved away before she could strike.

     "NOW I will defeat you!" Shingo growled angrily.

     "It's amazing how quickly Shingo can adapt to new fighting
styles!" Hiroshi screamed into his microphone, causing a feedback
screech. "If he learns at this rate he has a great future ahead
of him!"

     "If he survives the match," Tarou added, "And he's not going
to do it with this strategy, trust me."

     "I don't know," Daisuke looked at Shingo critically. "He
seems to be leading Sakura towards something. It's possible he's 
setting up a major attack any second now!"

     "I have no doubt about it," Tarou chuckled evilly.

     "Don't you ever fight back?" Sakura asked politely as she
attacked again and again only to have him dodge out of the way
again and again.
     "You just keep coming!" Shingo roared angrily, "I will
destroy you in the name of the Saotome School!"


     "Now I have you!" Shingo cried, standing to his full height.

     "An opening!" Sakura grinned, "Shououken!"


     A tornado of wind and debris erupted from the centre of the
ring, spiralling into the ceiling. It was so large it blocked out
the entire ring, and the wind currents blew loose paper, hats and
any other articles not nailed down spinning across the Ultradome.
The roar blocked out all sound as the tornado stretched into the
sky overhead. 

     When it cleared, Sakura landed, blinking. Other than the
fact that her fuku was flapping in the stilling breeze, she
didn't appear to be harmed. She looked around in confusion, as
Shingo was nowhere in sight. That didn?t last long. The first
indication was the sound of something descending towards them all
rapidly.  She looked up, to see that Shingo was plummeting
earthward at meteoric speeds. Sakura "eeped" and dodged to the
side, rising up on one foot as Shingo bashed face first through
the ring and into the concrete underneath.

     "Do I win?" Sakura asked slowly. Looking into the hole, she
saw that Shingo was quite unconscious in his little hole, most of
his clothes having been torn to shreds that barely clung to his
body. "I guess I do!" She kicked, flinging off a sandal and
stamping her foot while crying out in victory.

     "Way to go..." David started before her shoe landed on his
face and knocked him over.

     "The winner," Touga raised Sakura's hand, "And still
undefeated, Sakura Kusaga~ano!"

     "What happened?" Hiroshi blinked audibly, "That was Ranma's
special technique, but why did it hurt Shingo and not Sakura?"

     "Because it doesn't work that way," Tarou informed him.


     "The Hiryuushotenha is Ranma's special where he summons a
tornado right?" Daisuke asked.

     "No," Tarou shook his head. "The hiryuushotenha works
because the user can remain calm and channel their opponents
anger into a spiral that forms the tornado with a final
uppercut." The camera showed an overhead shot of the
Sakura/Shingo fight that traces a blue line behind their
movements and clearly shows Sakura being drawn into the spiral.
"But Bookworm got it mixed up; his opponent is supposed to be
angry, not him. To top it off, when Fangirl used her dragon punch
it activated the move since she was calm and used it against
him." The overhead shot switched to a slow motion shot of
Sakura's final uppercut, red and blue lines spiralling around her
to illustrate the movement of the ki for the non-martial artist

     "I guess that means Shingo still has a lot to learn!"
Hiroshi grinned.

     "That," Tarou said simply, "Is an understatement."

     "And now there will be a short break before our final match
of the evening, an grudge mach between the two self-styled  gods
in Omega Division," Daisuke informed everyone.

     "You won't want to miss this folks!"


     -Commercial Break-

     (A normal office in any major city. Clerks and secretaries
run around delivering reports to clients and other executives.
One particular group is the focus of the action. Two secretaries
that sit at their desks typing up a storm. At one of the desks,
the secretary is drinking a Diet Pepsi.)

     (She sighs and looks down just as a noise draws her
attention down to the other end of the room. She blinks as she
sees several women running around erratically; several leap up
screaming. She stares as this phenomenon gets closer and then
suddenly a tiny bundle of perverted flesh bounces over her desk
and latches on firmly.)

     Happousai: Ha cha-cha!

     (The secretary screeches and beats him into the desk with
her computer, but he bounces up and leers at her, then his eyes
sparkle and he grabs the cola can and downs it in one swig. She
screams as he chases her off-camera which now focuses on the
discarded Diet Pepsi can.)

     Voiceover: Taste the one that's forever young. 

     Voiceover: Unfortunately.

     -Commercial Break-


      "Ultra returns!" Hiroshi informed everyone, in case it
isn't obvious from the roar of the crowd or the scenes of the
Ultradome playing across the camera.  "We have an unexpected
change in the program tonight," Daisuke said in the wake of his
partner's message. "It appears that a new team has joined Lambda
at the last minute and will be challenging one of our existing

     "As long as it isn't Team Hentai," Tarou muttered darkly.

     "Ladies and gentlemen," Touga called attention to himself
and smiled at everyone, "May we present a last minute card
addition. Representing the good of mutantkind all across the
globe, may I introduce Shadowcat and Wolverine, the X-Te~am!"

     Wolverine and his partner made their way to the stage,
Wolverine grumbling something under his breath as they enter the
ring. Kitty patted him on the shoulder, prompting a glare.

     "Hey," she accused him slightly, "It was your idea to accept
the general challenge those two issued."

     "That isn't it," Wolverine growled, "It's... it's..."



     "They dulled my claws!" Wolverine sobbed softly as he
presented his adamantium extensions to her. Sure enough, the
metal edges that had before been razor sharp now had rounded
edges. "What am I supposed to do with these? Poke people to

     "You aren't here to kill people," Kitty pointed out.

     "It's the principle of the thing," Logan complained loudly.

     "And their challengers," Touga broke in. The curtain to the
other entrance parted,  and out stepped Shermie and Yashiro, who
smirked at everyone as they walk down the ramp.  Then they turned
to the right, vaulted the barrier and walked over to their seats.
In their wake the young, blond eyepatched pirate could be seen
skipping down the aisle with his hulking green wrestler friend
close behind.

     "Hailing from Kislev and Aveh, introducing Bart Fatima and
Rice Banderas!"

     "I still don't know how you talked me into this," Rico
grumbled as they vaulted into the ring.

     "C'mon," Bart said simply, "Have I ever messed up before??

     "I would give you a list," Rico growled, "But we'd be here
all week."

     "At least this is better than being stuck making actual
decisions," Bart said finally.

     "I guess," Rico admitted, "It's been too long since I
Battled; of course it feels bad being outside a Gear doing it."

     "Let's get on with it!" Wolverine growled at he looked down
at his metal... rods, and a sound suspiciously like a sob escaped



     "This match is scheduled for one fall," Touga informed
everyone, "With a thirty minute time limit. Begin!" He leaped out
of the ring, and Wolverine and Rico climbed out to let the other
two start the match. Bart grinned at Kitty, unfurling a long,
dangerous-looking whip from his belt.

     "Let's start this off with something spectacular," Bart
offered, "ASTRAL!"

     Kitty's eyes widened as the whip snaked out, snapping around
her arm. As she watched, several sparkling lights travelled along
its length, forming a glowing yellow sphere under her feet. Then
Bart gave a final snap, causing the sphere to erupt in a shower
of energy. Kitty however, remained standing, unaffected by the


     "The new team apparently didn't do their homework," Daisuke
commented, "They don't realize that Shadowcat can phase through
any attack."

     "With the amount of empty space in Kitty Shame's head,"
Tarou offered, "That doesn't strike me as an impressive feat."

     "And now Kitty decides to take the offensive," Hiroshi

     Shadowcat leaped in, performing a drill kick at Bart's head.
He grinned and snapped out another whip, which he began to spin
in a double circle pattern. "BRACER!" he shouted, and a triple
wave of blue rings erupted from his weapons. They all passed
harmless through Bart's target, however, and in his surprise he
fails to dodge her foot. "How did you..." Bart's eye narrowed.
"Okay let's play hardball then."

     "It looks like Pirate-boy is going to go all out now," Tarou
snorted. "Obviously he hasn't guessed her weakness yet."

     "And you have?"


     "ANGEL!" Bart cried as he spun his whips, and a wind began
to fill the stadium. He floated back, and the wind began to move
so fast that the kicked-up dust formed a brownish cloud that
obscured most of the arena. Tiny whirlwinds in the tornado form
strange patterns along his body, including what look like wings
flapping on his back.  However, Kitty just stood calmly as the
funnel of hyper-fast wind began to dissipate. As Bart landed, she
smiled cutely at him before catching him in the gut with a

     "You moron!" Rico growled, "Can't you even hit her?"

     "Hey!" Bart growled back, moving to the defensive, "I don't
see you coming up with any great plans!"

     "Well," Rico grunted as Bart dodged another attack, "She
can't always be untouchable. Otherwise she couldn't hit you."

     Bart's eye widened, and he grinned. "That gives me an idea,"
he danced back just out of range and helds up his hand, "White

     Kitty stared at him, but as nothing seemed to happen she
shrugged, snapping out another kick. Bart didn't even try to
defend as it connected...and faster than the eye can follow his
whip snaked out and smacked her hard across the face. She tumbled
across the ring, crashing into one of the corners.

     "What was that?" Hiroshi cried out.

     "I think Wolverine is just as surprised as you," commented
Daisuke .

     "Looks like some form of concentrated ki energy," Tarou
muttered, his eyes narrowing. "A reactive attack whenever he
receives damage, too fast for his opponent to avoid. Clever. I
never would have thought he could come up with it."

     "Damn," Shadowcat stepped to her feet and faced down Bart,
who only grinned at her and gave 'come hither' gestures with his
hand. "This is getting serious."

     "Tag out Kitty," Wolverine offered his hand. "I'll finish
this kid off." He looked again at his hands. "Somehow." Kitty
nodded and tagged out, allowing he partner to step into the ring. 
With a low growl he clashed his... rods together, then shook his
head in disgust.

     "Tag out Bart," Rico said evenly, "If you insist on getting
us into this thing I at least want to make sure we win."

     "Win?" Bart turned to face his partner, "What makes you
think I can't beat this guy?"

     Wolverine demonstrated why Rico thought Bart couldn't beat
him by hitting Bart in the back.  Bart staggered across the ring
and into Rico, who grabbed him, tossed him outside and climbed
between the ropes.

     "Okay," Rico clenched his fists, "Let's get this over with."

     "You don't have a very high opinion of your partner,"
Wolverine grinned.

     "Would you?" Rico grunted, glancing at the somewhat dazed
Bart. "I can't think of a worse partner than that screw up."

     "Hey!" Bart yelled, "I'm in earshot here!"

     "Your point being?"

     "I think I like him," Tarou chuckled evilly.

     "Oh I've had worse partners," Wolverine grunted, standing
straight. "That crazy Cajun, for instance. You can't tell me your
guy is worse than him."

     "I think Canadian Bacon has a point," Tarou added.

     "Oh really," Rico grunted, walking over to poke Logan in the
chest. "He once shot me out of the sky, just because he had a
missile and could think of nothing -better- to do with it."

     "That's nothing!" Logan sheathed his claws and raised
himself to his tip-toes, managing to reach the upper portion of
Rico's chest. "Friggin' Cajun left me to rot while he flirted
with some broad!"

     "Oh right..." Rico sneered.

     Time passes...

     Rico and Wolverine sat in the centre of the ring, both with
cigars in their mouths and patting each other on the back like
old friends. "... and that is how we metahumans are treated on my

     "That's almost as bad as where I come from," Logan agreed,
"I keep telling Chuck he's overestimating how much people are
willing to accept but he never listen to me."

     "I know how you feel," Rico nods sagely.
     "By all that's holy," Bart yelled, "Attack him already!"

     "Shaddup!" Rico tossed in Bart direction, "Before I feel the
need to mangle you again."

     "Can't you see we're trying to converse, kid?"

     "But this is a match!" Kitty complained loudly. "You can
talk after it."

     "Time!" Touga called in a loud and surprised voice. "I can't
believe a match finally went over the time limit..."

     "Well," Hiroshi said slowly, "I guess it's up to the judge
to make a decision now."

     "Zzzzzz," Tarou replied wittily. 

     "It seems the judges are calling this match a draw," Daisuke
commented. "Since neither team had the advantage for long."

     "Ladies and gentleman," Touga said, loud enough to wake a
few people up, "This match is declared a draw!"

     Unnoticing and uncaring, Rico and Logan continued to
complain to each other.


     "I'm here with a pre-battle interview with tonight's other
competitor in the big card," Yotsuya said, turning to face his
guest. "The Orochi." Sure enough, Orochi stood there in his full
glory; in the background Shermie and Yashiro hovered like silent
sentinels. (Unrelated to the giant robots, however.)

     "Tonight," Orochi's eyes flared, "I shall prove the
omnipotent power of Orochi by defeating the upstart Sephiroth!"
He called up a ball of darkness which floated in front of his
form. "This shall let the fools who doubt my power see that I can
not be defeated!"

     "Orochi," Yotsuya said calmly, "Did you enter the tournament
because you knew about the Apocalypse Brawl being held at

     The Orochi stared at Yotsuya hard...

     ~~~~~~~Cheesy Flashback effect~~~~~~~

     The Orochi stood in the middle of a blasted wasteland, and
was apparently in the process of reducing it to a more blasted
wasteland by flinging bolts of power all over the arena. Suddenly
he turned as a portal opened and out stepped God.

     "Hello Orochi," Kasumi said sweetly.

     "Go away," he replied simply. "Before I feel the need to
annihilate you."

     "Are you busy tonight?"


     "Why, what are you going to do tonight Orochi?"

     He looked down, chuckling menacingly.  Then his glowing eyes
snapped up, and he unleashed another bolt of power on some
unoffending mountaintop.  "The same thing I do every night,
Kasumi, try to destroy the world!"

     "Oh my," Kasumi said, "Wouldn't you rather participate in
this fighting league I'm arranging?"

     "..." Orochi pondered, "If I fight for ye, will I get to
kill people?"

     "Oh my," Kasumi nodded, "Aye, ye'll get to kill people."

     "Then count me in."

     ~~~~~~~~Cheesy Flashback ends~~~~~~~

      "No." He said simply. "But I shall win it," his eyes flared
again. "But first Sephiroth will fall before me."

     "Quite," Yotsuya deadpanned.


     "Greetings citizens!" Hiroshi called out. He and his two
companions were not seated at their typical announcer's table.
Instead, they were standing, microphones in hand, in a shiny
metal corridor with a series of windows looking out over a vast
technological metropolis. The entire thing is built under a huge
dome of some kind, and appeared to be constructed with no rhyme
or reason whatsoever.  Gaudy billboards decorate the walls,
floors and ceiling in random areas with messages such as
'Happiness is Mandatory!' or 'Bouncy Bubbly Beverage, It's the
Mandatory Thing!' "Welcome to the first ever Omega match where
the commentators will be able to give split-second play-by-play
because we will be in the actual dimension of the fight!"

     "Is that safe?" Daisuke asked, looking around somewhat

     "Of course," Hiroshi said off-handed, tapping a small device
on his shoulder. "These will teleport us out the second before we
are hurt by any stray attacks!" He grinned manically. "Just
watching one of these fights up close will be worth it."

     "Speak for yourself," Tarou grumbled.


      Out over the expanse of Alpha Complex, two portals opened.
There were no theme songs to introduce these two beings. There
was no announcements, or screams of fans and foes alike. They
stared at each other, emotionless and cold. One raised a hand,
the other raised a sword. Out over the expanse of Alpha Complex,
darkness and fire clashed.


     "Wow!" Hiroshi exclaimed in his excited voice #65 ("This is
truly an exciting match!"), "That has to be the most spectacular
exchange of mystic attacks I have ever seen."

     "It is truly a battle of Clamp proportions," Daisuke nodded.

     "Yay," Tarou commented idly, "Big guys throwing blasts at
each other, this is certainly exciting."

     "Greetings, Citizens."

     They all turned to see a group of people in red and black
jumpers pointing strange-looking guns at them.

     "May we ask what you're doing here?"

     "They're commie mutant traitors!" one of them yelled,
levelling his pistol.

     "Mac-R-THY," one of them snapped, pushing down the other?s
pistol, "What did we tell you about leaping to conclusions?"

     "Do it often?"

     Tarou blinked. "Who are you?"

     "The Computer sent us to investigate this..." their
spokesman began, and then looked up to the sky....or roof.  What
was left of the roof, anyway. "GAH! What is that!?"

     "Hmmm," one of them commented, "It's big, it's ugly, and
it's destroying half the complex..." He paused, and then spoke
finally, "Must be from R&D."

     "Are you implying I make dangerous devices, Citizen?"

     "Who was that?" Hiroshi looked around for the source of the
voice, and could see none.

     "No Computer!" the man said frantically, "I was just saying
that... the incompetent clones at R&D are responsible!"

     "Are you implying that I do not put competent clones in R&D,
Citizen?" the same sourceless electronic voice said, in a
distinctly menacing tone.

     "Uh... no... that is..." the man sighed, "Can I just report
for termination?"

     "Do you presume to guess what I want you to do, Citizen?"

     The man shot himself in the head with his now-identified
laser pistol.

     "That's horrible!" Hiroshi exclaimed loudly.

     "It's okay," the spokesman said, "He still has four clones

     Up above Orochi tossed Sephiroth into a domed building,
which exploded spectacularly. 

     "What are you morons doing?" Tarou growled at them,
"Shouldn't you be running screaming for your lives?"

     "If we did that the Computer would terminate us," the
spokesman shrugged. "At least this way we get to see a lightshow

     "The Computer?"

     They all stared at Daisuke as if he'd said something like,
"I just sold my children for cheese."

     "Citizen Da-I-SKE," the sourceless voice commented, "How is
it that someone of your security clearance does not know about

     Up above several wings of fighter craft flew at Sephiroth
and Orochi, only to be obliterated when they got too close.

     "How did it know my name?" Daisuke asked his partner, who

     "That answer is above your security clearance," the Computer
informed him.

     "They warned the thing," Tarou shrugged, "They would do
that, for a populated planet."

     "How did you know that?" The computer accused, "If it is
above Citizen Da-I-SKE?s security clearance it is certainly above
yours, Pant-Y-HSE."
     "ARGH!" Tarou roared.

     "He's a Commie Mutant Traitor!" Mac-R-THY cried in triumph,
pointing his laser pistol at him. Tarou snapped out a fist and
buried the hapless clone in a nearby wall.

     "How DARE you!" Tarou roared at nothing, "Nobody says my
name on Interdimensional TV! I'll tear you apart!"

     "Threatening the Computer is definitely treason," the
Computer told Tarou, "Report for termination."

     "Terminate this!" Tarou growled as he pulled a thermos off
his belt, and then upended it over his head. In his place a
giant, minotaur-like thing with tentacles stood up and bellowed,
before proceeding to start tearing the place apart.

     "Well this is certainly interesting," Hiroshi commented as
Sephiroth called down a swarm of comets that blasted the
landscape across the city to rubble.

     "Citizen Seph-I-RTH and Or-O-CHI," the Computer suddenly
yelled out over a loudspeaker that carried the words over the
entire complex. "I demand you stop immediately and report for
termination!"  Sephiroth and Orochi stopped for a moment, looked
at each other, looked at the city, and then calmly unleashed
flaming death upon it."Or not," the Computer added nervously,
"Your choice, really."  The two god-like warriors nodded, and
then continued to try to rip each other apart.

     "Wow!" Hiroshi commented, "This is the second most
awe-inspiring sight I have ever seen!"

     "Mooo!" Tarou-bakemono roared, tossing a large section of
the city at another large section. 

     "Who here thinks it's safer letting the Computer kill us?"
the spokesman said after a moment of observing all this.  The
Troubleshooters all looked at each other, nodded wisely and ran
screaming in various directions.

     Up above, Sephiroth and Orochi continued to ply the trade of
'any blast you can do I can do bigger' until finally Sephiroth
snarled, "Enough!"  He drew back, seemingly uninjured.  "I grow
tired of this game." 

     "Then die as you should," Orochi says simply.  He, too,
looks none the worse for wear. "And end this the only way it can

     "No," Sephiroth stated, dreadfully quiet, "I think not." He
raised his sword, and dark lightning began to play along its
length.  The very air around Sephiroth began to hum as it filled
with unholy energy.  Orochi growled and also began to power up,
purple energy flowing from his body in waves that caused the
earth below to crack. 

     The two continued like this for a good minute, energy
coruscating around and clashing between them with sparks and
flashes of destructive force. Then Sephiroth pulled back. "Take

     "HA!" Orochi cried, thrusting his fists forward first. A
wave of darkness as large as a warship  erupted from his hands,
striking out unerringly at his opponent.

     "Shield." Sephiroth smiled coldly, a golden light enveloping
him. Then with a roar he crashed straight though the attack. All
sound is cut out as the power of Orochi's blast dances over
Sephiroth's shield. The cameras blacked out, unable to transmit
the images of that much dark energy going wild. When they
returned, Sephiroth floated easily, Orochi impaled on the end of
his Masamune. "It is over..." Sephiroth said quietly, "Pale

     Orochi roared and swiped at Sephiroth in a desperate attempt
to escape, but it was too late. A white radiance erupted from
within him, blasting from eyes and mouth and ears in bars of holy
light. Then more and more bars joined it as the light poured out
of cracks that burned through Orochi's skin. Finally the form of
Orochi disappeared as the white light enveloped his body

     Sephiroth smiled, pulling back. The light faded as Orochi's
scorched form hurtled to the ground below. Sephiroth spun around
his Masamune, resheathing it at his side.  "Shinji Ikari," the
Dark Messiah whispered into the camera, "You are next."  With
that, he crossed his arms and floated backward, fading into a
white blur and disappearing from sight. 


     "Well folks," Hiroshi said from behind the announcers table,
"That was certainly a great show!"

     "Tune in next week," Daisuke added, "For more great Ultra

     "And if -anyone-," Tarou growled, back in human form, "Wants
to make fun of my name, you can understand that I -will- hunt you

     "Don't forget to call your local cable company and order
UltraRage!" Hiroshi called as the camera pans back. "It's going
to be a blast from the BEST federation in ALL creation!" 


     Epilogue: The cave was dark, dank and smelled of rot. It was

     The figure stepped forward, and saw what he had come here
for. The demonic plant with the creature trapped inside it was
still alive and well, holding its shrieking prisoner ensnared
until time itself ceased to mean anything.  The trapping had been
done out of revenge, and anger, but also out of necessity, to
finally render harmless a horror the likes of which two worlds
hoped never to see again.

     That wouldn't do at all. 

     It took only a second for the being to free his quarry from
the bonds placed on it.  The former prisoner dropped to the
floor, looking around warily. It seemed to shrink, collapsing in
upon itself until finally it stopped, now unnaturally short and
dressed in a dark suit. "You freed me?" the creature asked.

     "Yes," the figure smiled. Orochi would soon come around,
especially after he unleashed -this- little surprise on them all.

     "Then I will show you my gratitude," the figure grinned, its
fingers morphing into dangerous-looking claws, "By making your
death not quite as painful as I could!" With that, it cackled in
a manner that put mere 'insanity' to shame, and promptly tried to
eviscerate its savior.

     "I like your style," the other figure said, as he dodged the
attacks with an ease that came from always having to avoid
harmful things being thrown in your direction. Then he joined in
with the other being's laughter, and the two cackles echoed
through the cavern like the cacophony of hell itself.


][ IORI YAGAMI declared BIGGEST BAD@$$ in Gamma.
][ OMEGA MATCH 1: LINA INVERSE defeats NAGA, now 2W/1L 
][ GAMMA MATCH 4: SAKURA defeats SHINGO, now 3W/OL

     Next scheduled author : Chris McNeil

     Note: Some parts of this segment may be confusing. If you
think so just wait until Chris McNeil's part, as I choose to
prelude some of his stuff in here.

     Authors notes: 

     Handy-dandy special move translation guide:

     Fukai (Dan's new prefix to his moves) means "Unpleasant."

     Kyotaka Himietengu No Yama Tobikakaru means "Mighty Tiger
Leaps Upon the Mountain of Shrieking Bird Goblins." 

     Amaguriken No Hisou Gisei means "Pathetic Copy of Chestnut

     Hobo Hiryu Shoten Ha means "Almost Dragon Rise to Heaven

     I would like to thank the following sources:

     Chris McNeil for inspiration and editing. 

     Stefan Gagne for creating Ultra and Improfanfic.

     Aerith Innovations, Dan Mastriani and Steven Scougall for
help with the SNK fighters, who I am generally unfamiliar with.

     The creators of all these various series and characters,
whom I claim no infringement upon the rights thereof to do as
they will with these character and also note that I do this
totally free and for no profit whatsoever.

     I would like to apologize for any poor formating in this
chapter. I didn't have time to correct it all. Also I apologize
for any spelling errors that crept it. ^_^
All content unless stated otherwise is ©2021 Chris McNeil. He can be contacted here. The banner picture is courtesy of Jason Heavensrun. You can find more of his stuff at Checkmate Studios.