C&A Productions Presents Yet another ripoff of something Alan Harnum thought up RANMA 1/2 FOR PEOPLE WITH SHORT ATTENTION SPANS By Chris McNeil and Aaron Peori Blade: As we've complained about on untold forums until everybody was heartily sick of listening to us talk, we have long felt that the biggest problem with Ranma fanfiction is that almost nobody takes the time to research the original series before writing. Epsilon: The information -is- out there, but many people don't feel like taking the time to find it, saying it's only fanfic anyway. Blade: These people will be the first up against the wall when Judgement Day comes. Epsilon: But because we're such nice guys, we decided to create an accessible, easy to read guide for the newbie Ranma reader. Blade: At some point in the distant future, that is. Until we do that, however, we have distilled the 38-volume manga down into nine pages of essential facts. Epsilon: Read. Learn. Be Grateful. Blade: And remember, everything in this synopsis is 100% factually correct! Epsilon: From a certain point of view. Blade: Right. So, now, in order, here are the stories in the Ranma manga... Ranma 1/2 For People With Short Attention Spans Based on the manga by Rumiko Takahashi. Really. Ranma Arrives: Ranma arrives. Surprising, huh? "You're a pervert!" said Akane, inadvertently setting her fanfic characterisation for all time. Ranma Goes To School: Kunou is a moron, so Ranma beats him up. "Ouch," said Kunou. Tofu Loves Kasumi: See title. Ryouga Appears: Ryouga shows great promise as a barber. Ryouga's Dark Secret: Ryouga has a dark secret. Wow. Cool. "Bwee," said P-chan. Kodachi Appears: Ranma looks good in a leotard. Kodachi laughs. "OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" laughed Kodachi, proving our point. The Golden Pair: Ryouga beats up Ranma. Blade and Epsilon cheer. "Yay!" said Blade and Epsilon. Shampoo: Takahashi has revenge. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" wailed Blade and Epsilon. Ranma's Weakness: Ranma fails to become a cat-girl, but tries really hard. Mousse: Weirdo fails to kill Ranma. Nobody is surprised. Phoenix Pill: Cologne is an annoying old bat. "No she isn't!" said Alan Harnum. Bakusai Ten Ketsu: Ryouga beats up Ranma again. Ranma runs away. "No bias here," said Blade and Epsilon. Martial Arts Tea Ceremony: Ranma fights a monkey. Hilarity ensues. Martial Arts Takeout Race: Kunou is still stupid, so Ranma beats him up again. And feeds him soggy noodles for good measure. Happousai Arrives: Happousai annoys Ranma, thus starting a trend. Fake Nannichuan: Dojo Destroyer fails to be an impressive villain. "I don't even get to star in my own story," he complained. Ranma And Juliet: It's better than the Leonardo Di Caprio version. "And I'm sexier, too," said Ranma. "Than the one who played Romeo, or the one who played Juliet?" asked Tarou. Japanese Nannichuan: Ranma finds possible cure, but doesn't get it. "Hey," said Ryouga, "-I- found it...but I didn't get it either." "You normally don't, pig-boy," said Tarou. Kodachi's Cookies: "Hey," said Ranma, "he doesn't show up for another ninety-eight issues!" "Deal with it, fem-boy." "What about -my- story?" said Kodachi. Oh. Kodachi makes cookies. Hilarity ensues. Ukyou Arrives: Blade is ecstatic for weeks. "What a jackass," said Ukyou. Ryouga and Akane's Date: Ryouga and Akane are happy until Ranma interferes. Love Pills: "I want new writers for this thing," complained Ranma. "Get in line," said Shampoo. Tsubasa: Ukyou gets another story. Fanfic writers blow it all out of proportion. Ryouga and Yoiko: Shirokuro is barely mentioned. "Woof," the dog whose name is not Checkers said. Happoudaikarin: See "Happousai Arrives". Magic Mushrooms: Akane passionately hugs Ryouga. Super Soba: Akane becomes too much of a tomboy for her own good. "Told ya so," gloated Ranma. Principal Returns: Principal tries to emulate American educational system, with predictable results. Tardy for School: Ranma has to clean toilets. Hilarity ensues. "I did not!" yelled Ranma. Magic Soap: Ryouga outsmarts Ranma. Repeatedly. "Laying it on a little thick, ain't ya?" commented Ranma. Hiryuu Shoten Ha: Shampoo leaves. "Yay!" said Blade and Epsilon. Bakeneko: Unfortunately, she also comes back. Akane's Swimsuit: Akane tries to swim, but can't. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" said the Principal and Ranma, for different reasons. Yotarou: Yotarou's mother is a babe. Ryouga's Mark: Ryouga is invincible. Hilarity ensues. Santa Claus's Apprentice: Happousai corrupts youth. Wishing Sword: Kunou makes wish. Ranma gets annoyed. Gambling King: Ukyou gets another story, in which weirdo outsmarts Ranma. Dragon's Hair: Dragon hair curse gets cured. "Get it through your skulls!" yelled Blade and Epsilon. Onsen Race: Ryouga and Ukyou beat Ranma. "But we don't like each other," they both say. Picolet Chardin: Ranma is in a metal bustier. "What a pervert," said Soun, in his French maid outfit. Nabiki is Ranma's Fiancee: Nabiki screws up. Repeatedly. "This won't affect how I'm portrayed in fanfic, though," she gloated. Panda Ghost: Poor art ruins story. Pantyhose Tarou: "What are we going to say about this?" said Epsilon. Blade babbled for the next fifteen minutes. "That should do," Epsilon nodded. Watermelon Island: Kunou beats Ranma. "This is -really- getting tiresome," said Ranma. Secret Sauce: Ranma is a jerk. Blade gloats. "You could at least mention me," said Ukyou, and was immediately gratified. Happousai Returns: This is getting redundant. Paper Dolls: Gosunkugi makes a surprise appearance. Secret Medicine: Happousai and Ranma learn to bond. Shishi Hokodan: "I think we've about milked the Ryouga beats up Ranma joke by now," said Epsilon. "No we haven't," said Blade. "Yes you have," said Ranma. Curse of the New Year's Bell: New Years occurs. "That makes twice," said Akane. "How come we're not older?" said Ranma. "Please mention me," said the Bakeneko. Ranma and Gyouko: Ranma shows interest in older men. Kodachi's Album: Ranma puts on a puppet show for reasons you wouldn't expect. Ranma vs. Genma: Ranma relives childhood fears. Sakura-mochi no Koi: Proof that Ryouga and Akane are destined to be. "I wish to lodge a formal complaint," said Ranma. Mariko: Ranma fights to win Kunou's love. "I'm -serious-," threatened Ranma. Nodoka Arrives: Ranma's mother is a babe too. Reversal Jewel: Nothing important happens in this story. Bloomer Ghost: Ranma helps Happousai steal panties. Ranma pursues legal action. Pantyhose Tarou Returns: Jyusenkyou guide really screws up. Blade gibbers in orgasmic ecstacy. Yohyou: Who? Ranma/Akane Cooking: Akane demonstrates her learning curve. Koi Fishing Rod: Ranma falls in love with Ryouga. Hilarity ensues. "I beg to differ," said Ryouga. Gosunkugi's Battlesuit: Gosunkugi gains weight; loses it suddenly. Musk Dynasty: Jokes about breasts are made. Mysterious figure defenestrates Akane to prove what a vicious bastard he is. More jokes about breasts are made. Ryouga gets killed. Breast jokes abound. Magic teakettle saves day. "I do not like breast jokes," said Herb. Ms. Hinako: Ranma is accused of being a pedophile. Ryugenzawa: We forget. Hinako and Soun: Soun gets accused of being a pedophile too. Joketsuzoku Glasses: Mousse is a dishonourable loser. "Ranma started it," he protested. Ocean Hellhound: Kunou looks like a freak and spoils our day. Cursed Love-destroying Cave: Shampoo does not appear in this story. "Yay!" said Blade and Epsilon. Test Results: Ranma shows unusual interest in schoolwork. Ryuu Kumon: Dark, brooding, angst-filled martial artist nearly kills Ranma and threatens his mother. Hilarity ensues. Ranma's Tears: Ranma blubbers like a baby. "I'm going to hunt you down," he said. Kunou's Phoenix: More impressive phoenix appears later. Pink and Link: Takahashi blatantly steals anime idea. "But we're more interesting, over," they say. Evil Oni: Ryouga is heartbroken. Nobody cares. Kinnosuke: Nabiki outsmarts man who talks compulsively to a puppet. "How impressive," said Epsilon. Ryouga's Spring: Akari engages in masochistic activities with sumo pig. Anger Medicine: Genma resembles Dragonball Z character. Fighting Fish: Fan service. Kunou's Cherry Tree: Kunou suffers from demonic possession. Hilarity ensues. Ranma's Cold: Ranma gets really hot when Nodoka shows up. Cursed Spatula: Ukyou's friends are too involved in their work. Happy and Lucky: Ranma beats up small child for making pictures of butterflies. "But he deserved it!" Ranma protested. Ryouga's Double Date: Akane shows remarkable resemblance to giant sumo pig. Magic Umbrella: Nabiki shows remarkable resemblance to prostitute. "Ranma-kun, I have the name of a good lawyer," she said. Swimming Classes: Kasumi shows remarkable resemblance to somebody who isn't in this story. Ms. Hinako and Akane engage in delinquent behaviour. Magic Noodle: Cologne remains an annoying old bat. "I'm pursuing legal action," said Alan Harnum. Cursed Doll: Akane is of two minds over doing a striptease. Castaway Classroom: Akane suffers from deja vu. Pantyhose Tarou and Rouge: Blade suffers epileptic fit. Attempts at cooperation between Ranma and Tarou lead directly to quest for world domination. Asuka of the White Lilies: Ranma makes patently untrue claims. Battle Dougi: Akane gains power from perverted impulses. Densuke: Ranma dresses up for sick little boy. Kasumi Gets Angry: Everybody notices that Kasumi is hot. Aging Mushrooms: Ranma and Ryouga work up a great deal of energy together in dark, confined place. "They're so cute!" said Akane. Kami Mimic: Monster impersonates Shampoo. Mousse can't tell difference. Shinto Shrine: Ranma runs afoal of the gods. "Groan," said Blade. Ranma's Coat: Ranma's secret almost gets revealed to his mother...but doesn't. Ukyou and Hayato: Ukyou's enemies are also too involved in their work. Magic Plant: Tyrannical plant makes Tendo household more cheerful. Valentine's Day: Small girl stalks Ranma. Hinako vs. Principal: Academic disagreement results in student/teacher bonding. Bust Battle: Akane's fashion sense leaves much to be desired. Akane's Dream: Ukyou also wears metal bustier. Less people complain. Smiling Three-Year Death: Joketsuzoku custom results in untimely demise. Hilarity ensues. Double Ranma: Ranma pursues relationship with boys. Ryouga gets confused. Nabiki's Ticket: Ranma brutalizes Nabiki. "She made me do it!" he protested. Konatsu: Young boy's parents die. Hilarity ensues. "I am also too involved in my work," said Konatsu. Night at the Fair: Japanese customs translate poorly. "We're confused," said Blade and Epsilon. Jellyfish King: Ranma places second in swimming race with Akane. Ryouga and Akari's Date: Ryouga has trouble separating fantasy and reality. "I don't mind," said Akari. Nodoka and Ranma: Nodoka approves of her son's decision to turn into a woman. Ukyou's Restaurant: Ranma and Konatsu crossdress to please Ukyou. "This is your last warning," Ranma said. The Phoenix Saga: Story about great heat involving a naked Akane, Shampoo raping Ranma, Ryouga and Akari's relationship, and Saffron shooting out white gook while going through puberty. "You didn't mention Kiima," said a disappointed Alan Harnum. The Wedding: Unfortunately, the authors were unable to write this synopsis, having vanished mysteriously one night, leaving only behind the following cryptic note: "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. -R."