Chagi Strikes Back; Revenge is Mine!

                     Ranma: The Kyoto Chronicles
                              Chapter 4

                 Chagi Strikes Back; Revenge Is Mine!

(Opening scene: a hotel somewhere in downtown Kyoto; night.  Only one
apartment in lit up, and inside it we see Senzai Chagi.  He is sitting
on a cushion in front of a low table, upon which rest several items.
One is a brochure, the other is a bouquet of roses, and the final item
is a picture of a certain red-haired girl being chased by Shobayashi.)

Chagi: (smiles to himself) Soon, Ranma, my revenge will be complete.
Not only will you die, but your beloved fiancee will be mine!
(megalomaniacal laugh) And all thanks to this mysterious red-headed
friend of yours!  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


(Scene: the breakfast table at the Honourable Bull, where the Saotome
and Kuonji clans sit.)

Shobayashi(mournfully): Alas, Natsu Kaji escaped my grasp again upon
yon yestereve.  She ran from me, graceful as the gazelle, and
disappeared into the bathroom.  (frowns) Strange it was, that Ranma
was in the bathroom at the time and hadn't seen her...

Ryori: (looking piercingly at Ranma) Hai, very strange.  Very strange

Ranma: What are you implying?

Meushi: Speaking of implying, what about you in Ukyou's room last

Ranma(fervent denial): I was _NOT_ in Ukyou's room last night!!!

Meushi: My point exactly.  Why weren't you?

Ranma: Huh?

Meushi: I want grandchildren!  And they aren't going to produce

Ranma: (blushes fiercely) Mrs. Kuonji!

Nodoka: Really, Meushi-san, I think they're much too young to be
considering sex.

Ranma: MOM!

Meushi: But I need grandchildren, and Ukyou's willing, I'm sure.

Ukyou: MOM!

Meushi: It's true, isn't it, little one?

Ukyou: Uh...I think it's a bit early for children yet, mom...and don't
call me that.

Oushi: Besides, it would be dishonourable for Ukyou to be pregnant
before marriage...

Ranma: (beet red) Will you _stop_ talking about this?

Shoto: Yeah, Ranma isn't interested anyway.  He'd much more like to
dress in Ukyou's under...
(Ukyou shoves Shoto through a conveniently placed wall.)

Ryori: (pushing his plate away) Well I have work to do, I'll be out.
(he leaves)

Ranma: What does he _do_ all day?  He's always out somewhere...

Nodoka: (picking up Ryori's plate and her own) What he does is his
business; we _all_ have secrets, Ranma.  And respecting other people's
right to have secrets in an important aspect of being manly.

Ranma: (sighs) Hai...

Meushi: But I want grandchildren!

Nodoka: Besides, it's by no means certain Ranma and Ukyou _will_ be

Meushi: Oh they're just being coy.  They'll settle down soon enough.

Ranma: (standing up) I think I need time to think.  Excuse me.  (he
walks out)

Ukyou: Ranchan... (she starts to follow)

Nodoka: Ukyou.  (she stops) Ranma's just tired of people forcing him
into things.  He wants to do something without being coerced into it.

Ukyou: But...

Nodoka: Trust me, dear.

Ukyou: (sighs) If you say so.


(Scene: a park somewhere in Kyoto.  Ranma walks along, a look of
disgust on his face, visions of Ukyou and Chagi and Tom dancing in his
mind.  Then he looks up, just as it begins to pour...)

Ranma-chan: Just my luck... (she runs a bit, then leaps up into the
branches of a nearby tree, which serves to shield her from the worst
of the downpour) Guess I'll have to wait until it dries up a bit so I
don't catch cold or something...

Voice: Zat is a tres prudent move, mademoiselle.
(Ranma-chan leaps around with a very feminine frightened shriek, to
see Chagi hanging upside down from a large limb above her head.)

Ranma-chan: (getting into a defensive posture) Senzai Chagi!

Chagi: Ah, I see my fame has spread tres far.  Zat you know of me
is...  (Ranma-chan snapkicks at Chagi's face, but he bends his head to
the side to avoid it and continues uninterrupted) magnifique.
(thrust, evade) Now, on to introducing (punch, dodge) yourself...
(Chagi avoids a turn kick and waits expectantly)

Ranma-chan: Go away!
(She launches a flying pivot kick that Chagi is actually forced to
flip upright to avoid.)

Chagi: (flipping back down; laying on the charm) Bonjour, miss Go
Away, it iz good zat we are finally properly introduced.  After
our...encounter at ze pond, I have been dying to meet you once more.

Ranma-chan: I just bet, dying to get your revenge!
(She smiles as an idea comes to her, then with a fierce kiya sends a
powerful crescent kick, not at Chagi, but at the limb he is perched
on.  With a satisfying snap the branch discontinues its connection
with the tree, and while gravity takes a few seconds to figure out the
limb is no longer attached, Chagi's eyes have time to widen to the
size of china plates.  He then waves his arms frantically and screams
in terror as the branch plummets.  Ranma-chan closes her eyes and cups
her hand to her ear just in time to catch the finalizing thud.  She
smiles in complete bliss and opens her eyes...only to see Chagi
sitting yoga-style on the end of another branch, which is obviously
too small to support his weight.)

Chagi: (waving a finger in her face) Now zat wasn't tres polite,

Ranma-chan: How'd you _do_ that!?

Chagi(annoyed): Zis is not about my incomparable skills, it iz about
how you treat a polite person...

Ranma-chan: What do you expect me to do when you attack me every time
you show up?

Chagi: Pardon moi?  If Chagi's memory is correct, it iz toi who
assaulted moi, n'est pas?

Ranma-chan: (stops) [That's right!  He doesn't know about the curse!]
(pauses) [But if he's not here to kill me, then...] Fine, what do you

Chagi: Ah, civility triumphs at last.  (smiles disarmingly, which
doesn't do anything to Ranma-chan) I wish only zis information.

Ranma-chan: What information?

Chagi: You do know Saotome Ranma and Kuonji Ukyou, n'est pas?

Ranma-chan: (smiles) You _could_ say I know Ranma...

Chagi: And you are tres bonne amis?

Ranma-chan: Huh?

Chagi: Good friends.  Are you good friends?

Ranma-chan: I can honestly say I'm closer to Ranma than anyone else,
and I have a...special relationship with Ukyou.

Chagi(pleased): Ah...tres bien, tres bien, zis is fantastique.  I was
wondering if you could do me a favour?

Ranma-chan(suspiciously): Which is?

Chagi: (pulls out a bouquet) Could you give zis to mon chere Ukyou?

Ranma-chan: (leans in to see it better) You expect me to... (sniffs
and crinkles her nose) What's that... (getting groggy) ...smell...

Chagi: Zat would be ze chloroform, I believe.  (he grabs the back of
her head and pushes her face into the flowers; Ranma-chan struggles
for a moment then goes limp) I figure zat should keep you out for a
little while...  (laughs megalomaniacally)


(Scene: the kitchen of the Honourable Bull restaurant, where Ukyou is
cleaning off the breakfast dishes, staring pensively out the window.
For a brief moment she sees back to when her and Ranma were talking,
shortly before they left Nerima...)

Ranma: I love you, Ukyou...but not in the way you want me to; you're
my friend, my best friend...but not my girlfriend...
(Ukyou sighs and leans forward, again seeing the moment they left
Nerima, and how when Ranma and Akane looked into each other's eyes one
last time something seemed to pass between them, something Ranma never
shared with...)

Chagi: Bonjour, mon chere.  (he has appeared from the sink, rising
like a monster from an old Godzilla movie and sending dishes toppling
to their doom)

Ukyou: (leaping back with a shriek of surprise and shock) Don't _do_

Chagi: (hops out, perfectly dry) Gomen, mon chere.  I shall not
surprise you again.

Ukyou(menacingly): I meant calling me mon chere...

Chagi: (tosses his hair) Mais my dear, I was simply expounding upon my
love for...

Ukyou: I am not...

Chagi: (cuts her off) I believe zis... (pulls a polaroid from his
coat) shall change your tune.  (evil smile)

Ukyou: Nani?  (she looks at the picture...)
(And sees Ranma-chan tied up and hanging suspended from the ceiling of
an aquarium, over a tank full of sharks that swim in circles below
her.  Ukyou gasps.)

Chagi: Yes, and unless we wish for mademoiselle to become ze main
course, Chagi suggests you cooperate.

Ukyou(hisses): This is no way to get a woman to love you!

Chagi: (smiles) What's love got to do with it?

Shoto: (walks into the kitchen; singing) to do, got to do with
it?  What's love... (he exits)

Chagi: (stares for a moment, then shrugs) I just want to gain my
revenge on Ranma for taking my most prized possession by taking _his_
most prized possession.

Ukyou: You're insane!

Chagi: (laughs) Perhaps, mon chere, perhaps, but whom has outsmarted
you both?  If you don't cooperate, I swear your little red-haired
friend shall die, elle morte!

Ukyou(growls): What do you want me to do?

Chagi: In five hours you are to meet moi at zis address.  (hands her a
file card) And come alone.  If I even so much as hear ze name Ranma,
zen my pets eat well tonight.

Ukyou: As long as you hold her, you can be sure I won't mention a word
to Ranma.

Chagi: Magnifique.  Very well, see you soon mon chere, and bring your
best dress... (he leaps out the window)

Ukyou: Great... (she stalks out) This is _all_ I need...


(Scene: an aquarium, where Ranma-chan is hanging over a pool of
sharks.  She blinks her eyes open and notices her predicament.)

Ranma-chan: What the...

Chagi: (standing on the back of one of the slowly circling sharks) Ah,
miss Go Away, you are awake.

Ranma-chan: My name isn't Go Away.

Chagi: Zen may I ask you for it, just so I can tell ze obituaries?

Ranma-chan: I'm Saotome Ran...ko...

Chagi: Saotome!  (evil smile) Zat explains your connection to Ukyou,
n'est pas?  No wonder she agreed so easily...

Ranma-chan: Agreed to what?

Chagi: Why, to marry moi, of course.

Ranma-chan (jaw drops) M-m-marry...

Chagi: She did it to save you.  A good friend, zere.

Ranma-chan: But you want revenge on m...Ranma, not Ukyou!

Chagi: I do zis to gain my final vengeance.  (evil chuckle) Think of
how Ranma will feel when he finds out zat _I_ have married his

Ranma-chan: But Ukyou doesn't love you!

Chagi: What's love got to do with it?

Shoto: (enters) to do, got to do with it?  What's love...

Chagi: (blinks) How did he... (shakes his head) No matter.  I _will_
marry Kuonji Ukyou, and when Ranma comes to take her, zen I shall
_crush_ him!  
(He pivot kicks with such force that the wall cracks, and laughs
megalomaniacally as Ranma-chan struggles to escape.)


(Scene: Ukyou is sorting through her closet, searching for her "best"
dress...however, she only has some rather masculine travelling clothes
and a few more recently-purchased outfits.)

Ukyou(frustrated): I don't even know why I'm bothering!  It's not like
I _like_ him or...

Nodoka: (walking in the open door with a basket of laundry) Like who,

Ukyou: (surprised) Mrs. Saotome!

Nodoka: Just Nodoka, dear.  What's bothering you?

Ukyou: Well... (hesitates)

Nodoka(apologetically): Gomen, I shouldn't intrude...

Ukyou: (shakes her head) No, this concerns you too.  (sighs) Ranma's
in trouble.
(Nodoka puts down the clothes calmly, but with a hint of concern.)

Nodoka: How so? (Ukyou hands Nodoka the photo; she cocks an eyebrow
and seems to shake briefly, then gets a hold of herself) Who did this?

Ukyou: Chagi.  He wants get back at Ranma...

Nodoka: Ukyou, you don't have to ruin your life for Ranma.  The

Ukyou: ...couldn't even touch Chagi.  Ranma could take on the entire
Kyoto police force, and Chagi's even bet... (hesitates) Anyway, I
don't have any choice.  I have to save him.

Nodoka: You really love him, don't you? Not just some childish

Ukyou(softly): Hai, I love him.  I just wish...

Nodoka: Do what you have to, Ukyou, but don't forget to think about
yourself.  There are other things in life besides love.

Ukyou: (turns away) None that matter.
(Nodoka nods sadly and walks out.)


(Scene: Tarou Tom's house.  The school disciplinary officer is
watering his lawn when Ukyou walks up-dressed in her chef's outfit-and
clears her throat.)

Tarou: Can I help you?

Ukyou: That's what I was hoping you could tell me...
(Cut to a scene not long after; Tarou and Ukyou sit on the porch with
cups of tea.)

Tarou:'re saying is, you want me to help you save Ranma's life?

Ukyou: Hai.

Tarou: (snorts) Why should I?

Ukyou: You owe him.  (steel-hard look) Or have you conveniently
forgotten that?

Tarou: Fem-boy only helped me to save his own worthless hide.  He
lived, and as far as _I'm_ concerned, that paid off my debt in full.

Ukyou: (blinks) How'd you...

Tarou: I had a talk with his mother when she came over to ask about
his behaviour at school.  Sorry Ukyou, but Ranma has to get himself
out of this one.

Ukyou: (standing up) I should have never expected any less from you!

Tarou: (dark look) Don't give me that holier-than-thou treatment.  I
never was fem-boy's friend; in fact, I hate his perverted guts, and I
don't think he deserves the love he gets.  But I'll help you here...

Ukyou(confused): You...will?

Tarou: help _you_, not him.  Try to give Chagi what he wants,
and what he deserves.

Ukyou: What do you mean?

Tarou: Use his ego against him, his weakness is that he can't resist
the urge to gloat.

Ukyou: How do you know that?

Tarou: (shrugs) I've met his kind before.  They're all the same.

Ukyou: Arigato... (pauses) Why are you helping me?

Tarou: (evil chuckle; stands up) Let's just say I haven't forgotten
how french-boy blew apart my school.
(He walks inside.)


(Scene: somewhere downtown.  Chagi stands on top of a set of traffic
lights, his clothes and hair being tossed dramatically in the
wind-which doesn't seem to be affecting the leaves of any nearby
trees-as he scans the crowd.  Finally he spots Ukyou moving through
the people below.  He leaps out and lands in front of her; she starts,
then sighs.)

Chagi: Mon chere... (looks her up and down) zis is your best dress?

Ukyou: This was the best thing I had... (sighs expansively) I'm just
so saddened by my horrible fate...

Chagi: (tosses his hair with a hand) Hai, ze feeling of hopeless
defeat is common among Chagi's victims.  At any rate, a superior dress
is easily purchased, ne?  (grins evilly)

Ukyou:(theatrically tragic look) If only our love was strong enough to
overcome your superior cunning...

Chagi: What's love got to do with it?

Shoto: (walking past them) to do, go to...ugh!
(Ukyou elbows him in the stomach.)

Ukyou: Running gags can only be taken so far!  (tosses him over a
nearby building; sighs and returns to supplicant mode) I'm just glad
my friend hasn't seen this...

Chagi: What friend?

Ukyou: (looks into the distance; sparkly eyed with tears) The one you would crush her to see me ripped from my true love's
arms by such a cruel diabolical genius...

Chagi: (an idea dawns on him) Come, mon chere, before we journey to ze
church (Ukyou starts) we have someone to see...
(He grabs Ukyou's hand and starts walking, unseen behind him Ukyou


(Scene: Ukyou's room, the polaroid is lying on her desk.  Shobayashi
enters with a broom and spends a few moment sweeping.  Then he looks
down at the desk...)

Shobayashi: (gasps) Natsu Kaji!  In mortal danger!  (spins around) I
must save her!
(He rips off his clothes, to reveal an okonomiyaki chef's outfit
beneath.  He reaches out and pulls a combat spatula out of nowhere,
then leaps towards the window and...smashes into the glass like a bug
and slides off to crash into the floor.)


(Scene: the aquarium.  Ranma-chan is still suspended over the sharks,
vainly struggling to escape the expertly tied ropes.  She stops as she
hears a door open, and looks over to see Ukyou and Chagi walking in.)

Ranma-chan(surprised): Ucchan!

Ukyou(relieved): Ranchan, you're alright...

Chagi: I though her name was Ranko?

Ukyou: (remembering he's there) Oh...hai... (sadly) Ranko, I'm being
forced to marry Chagi, isn't that sad?  (She stares into Ranma-chan's
eyes hard.)

Ranma-chan: Uh... (nods knowingly; horrified) Oh can't be

Ukyou: (looks down) Hai, I'm afraid so.

Ranma-chan(seriously): Don't do that for me, Ukyou.  I can get out of

Ukyou(equally serious): I have to.  I can't put you in any danger...

Ranma-chan: Ukyou...

Ukyou: Trust me, Ran...ko, I'm doing what's best here.
(Ukyou inches her foot back and places it next to a cleaning bucket.)

Chagi: BWAHAHAHAHA!!!  (dramatic pose) She shall soon be Senzai Ukyou,
and nozing you or your brother can do will stop it!
(Ukyou tips over the bucket, which causes a loud clatter as it spills
it's contents.)

Chagi: (spins around) Nani?  Who's zere...
(While Chagi is distracted, Ukyou sends a mini-spatula spinning up at
Ranma-chan.  She catches the weapon in her toes and hides it behind
her feet as Chagi turns back.)

Chagi: Rats.  (snorts) Zis city is a dump.

Ranma-chan: [It'll take too long to cut myself out with Chagi
watching.  He'd attack me while I was still helpless...] Ranma's gonna
get you for this, Chagi!

Chagi: If it wasn't for ze continual interruptions, Saotome Ranma
would already be dead.  Besides, I made Ukyou swear not to reveal any
of zis to him.

Ukyou: And I didn't.

Chagi: Now come, mon chere, we must be off.  Ze priest is waiting.
(he pulls Ukyou out of the room)

Ranma-chan: We'll see who dies, Senzai Chagi!
(She begins to saw at her bonds with the toe-held spatula.)


(Scene: a library.  At a computer terminal, Ryori is scanning a
microfiche.  He spots something that interests him and zooms in on
it-a picture of a certain pig-tailed girl from a Nerima Ward

Ryori(reading): "In sports news today, formerly undefeated Martial
Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics champion Kunou Kodachi was dethroned by
Furinkan High's mysterious champion, Saotome...Ranma..."  (eyes
narrow) [Well, well...Natsu Kaji is named...]


(Scene: back at the aquarium, Ranma-chan has cut loose one arm and is
sawing through the last of her bonds.)

Ranma-chan: And that's... (cuts the rope) it!  
(She blinks as she now realizes there is nothing keeping her aloft,
this revelation is followed by an abrupt plunge into the shark tank.
For a few moments we can see nothing but bubbles, and then a shark
leaps out of the water with Ranma-chan desperately holding its jaws
apart.  A second shark leaps up to try and snap Ranma-chan in two, but
she lashes out with her foot and sends it flying into yet another
shark that leaps out.  Then she tosses herself out of the first
shark's mouth, bounces off a fourth shark's back, pivot kicks another
leaping shark in midair and lands outside the tank.)

Ranma-chan: (sigh of relief) [Now to find that jerk Chagi!]


(Scene: outside the aquarium-as shown by the sign "Kyoto Aquarium;
Closed For Renovations"-where Shobayashi walks up to the doors.)

Shobayashi: This is the only aquarium in Kyoto with that many sharks,
which means Natsu Kaji must be inside.  Fear not, my love, for I shall
rescue you!
(He begins to climb up the wall, and just as he gets above eye level,
Ranma-male, he apparently found a hot water tap-runs out.)

Ranma: (pauses) If I were marrying someone in a hurry, where would I
go... (snaps fingers) Of course!  (he runs off)
(We switch scenes to the interior of the aquarium.  Several windows
dot the walls near the ceiling.  In one of these a sillouhette
appears, and then the window is smashed apart by a spatula swing and
Shobayashi leaps out over the tanks directly.  Then he notices that a)
Natsu Kaji is nowhere in sight, b) he has no means of keeping himself
aloft, and c) he is over a tank where several recently-pissed off
aquatic carnivores await.)

Shobayashi: (blink) Uh oh...


(Scene: a small chapel in downtown Kyoto.  A wedding is going on
inside, just two people and a minister.)

Minister: ...and if there is anyone here who thinks these two should
not be wed, let him speak now or forever hold his...
(Suddenly the door is blown open by the force of a Moko Takabisha.
Ranma runs in as the rubble is still settling and cocks back his

Ranma: You're not marrying her!  Take THIS!
(He lays into the groom with a vicious superfast attack which sends
him flying across the room.  Then he turns to the bride...)

Ranma: (big smile; sweatdrop) Oops.  Sorry, wrong chapel...
(We see the outside of the chapel, where we hear a slap as loud as a


(Scene: the interior of a large, cathedral-style Catholic church.
Chagi-in a superbly tailored tuxedo that actually suits him quite
well-stands at the altar with a balding old western priest.)

Priest(in passable but accented Japanese): And where is the bride,
young man?

Chagi: Just getting dressed.  (smiles) [Soon it will be all over.]
(Quick switch to a room in the cathedral.  Ukyou is dressed in a
western wedding gown and is looking out the window.)

Ukyou: [I hope this works...]
(She reaches over to her pile of clothes and pulls out a flare and a
folded-up paper kite.  She then ties the flare to the kite and lights
it before letting it out the window.  There it is caught in an updraft
and carried high over the roof.)

Ukyou: It's all up to you now, Ranchan...


(Scene: Ranma is being tossed out of another chapel, he lands with a

Ranma: How many Christian churches _are_ there in Kyoto!?

Shoto: (popping out of a nearby manhole) Over 30, why?  Got any juicy
sins to confess, Saotome?

Ranma: (noting Shoto's entrance point) How appropriate.
(He picks up Shoto and is about to punch him _hard_ when...)

Shoto: (eyes widen) What's that?  (points in the air behind Ranma)
(Ranma turns to look and sees...empty sky.  Shoto, however, sees an
opportunity and uses it to slip out of his coat and make a run for it.
Ranma notices this almost immediately.)

Ranma: Why that little weasel... (he takes off after Shoto, Ukyou
temporarily forgotten)


(Scene: the cathedral, where Ukyou has entered in her gown and
looks...uh...well, just plain gorgeous.  Pause a moment here while
Blade recovers.  Okay, let's go on.  Ukyou hesitates at the entrance,
and for a brief moment envisions Ranma at the altar, which is of
course almost enough to start her crying.)

Chagi: (snapping her back to reality) Don't forget your little friend,
mon chere.
(Ukyou's face hardens, and she wipes her eyes and practically stalks
up the aisle.)

Chagi: Tsk tsk, mon chere, zis is your wedding day.  A happy occasion,

Ukyou: (through clenched teeth) If I could get my hands on you without

Chagi: (sighs) Ah, but you cannot.  (holds up a bouquet) Here, let us
complete ze picture.
(Ukyou takes the flowers and starts when she hears a snap and feels
something clamping around her wrists.)

Chagi: Handcuffs.  (smiles evilly) Just in case you zink of doing
anything stupid.
(Ukyou gives Chagi a look that starts to peel the paint off the wall
behind him.)


(Scene: a road in Kyoto.  Shobayashi is walking-or more accurately
stumbling-along, his body covered in welts and lacerations.)

Shobayashi: No matter the hardship, no matter the cost, I shall save
you, my Natsu Kaji... (sings)

When the world has turned against you,
And you...OOF!
(The "oof" was probably not part of the song, and was more likely the
result of Ranma bouncing off his head in hot pursuit of Shoto.)

Shobayashi: (rocking back and forth) Look mommy, stars... (falls over)
(We follow Ranma and Shoto for now, as Ranma chases the jerk through
the crowded streets.  Ranma, however, is distracted from his quarry
when a flaming kite plunges onto his head.  He promptly falls and
rolls to put out the flames with a cry.  After a few moments the fire
is out and a scorched Ranma looks for the source of the kite-and sees
a nearby two-story church with a large, long front lawn and a marble
walkway leading up to the front doors.)

Ranma: This can't be just a coincidence...
(He starts to run towards the cathedral.)


(Meanwhile, inside: things are coming to a head, as the priest has
reached the vows portion of the ceremony.)

Priest: (droning monotone) you, Senzai Chagi, take Kuonji Ukyou
to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold and blah blah

Chagi: (cocks an eyebrow) I do.

Priest: (turns to Ukyou) What about you?

Ukyou: What about me?

Priest: Do you?

Ukyou: Do I what?  (cutsie smile)

Priest: Listen, I've got a golf game in thirty minutes, so...

Chagi(angrily): Get on with it _properly_ or I'll show you ze other
side of ze wall...ze hard way.

Priest(gulps; hyperfast):
o holdinsicknessandinhealthaslongasyoubothshalllive?  (pants as he
tries to catch his breath)

Ukyou: (hesitates) Iiiiiiii....doooooo....
(At that point the doors slam open and Ranma bursts in.)

Ranma: Hold it right there, Senzai!

Ukyou: (smug smile) ...on't... I don't!

Chagi: (glares at Ukyou) Your little friend iz shark bait.

Ukyou: I don't think so.

Ranma: (stalking forward) Ranko's as safe as I am.

Chagi: (laughs) Zen she is doom-ed!  For you are dead!

Ranma: (clenches his fist) Up until now, Chagi, you've just been
another revenge-crazed psycho...but the moment you start messing with
my friends... (glares) is the moment it gets _personal_!!!

Chagi(mock fear): Ohhh, Chagi is sooooo scared!  (laughs
megalomanically) I am your better, Saotome, and I shall prove it over
your corpse!
(Chagi spins around, tearing off his tux and revealing his usual garb.
When he stands again, his hair and loose clothes are being whipped by
the nonexistant wind.)

Ukyou: (stepping forward) We can take this...
(Chagi does a high wheel kick, drawing a white line with his leg until
he has a half circle between him and Ukyou.)

(The air ripples out in a wall between Chagi and Ukyou.  It strikes
the ceiling, which buckles then caves in a bit; not completely, but
enough to put a large pile of rubble behind Chagi.)

Ranma: (gasps) UKYOU!

Ukyou: (voice from the other side) I'm alright...just blocked off...

Chagi: Now, no one can save you.  (Ranma gets into offensive position)


(Scene: outside the church.  Shobayashi is making his way up the
walkway; he's in pretty bad shape.)

Shobayashi: I think...I should get...some help rescuing...Natsu
(He comes to the doors...just as they are blown out by the force of
Chagi's shockwave.  Shobayashi takes the brunt of the move and is sent
hurtling across Kyoto like a meteor.  Shortly afterward Ranma rolls
out the front door and stands to face his opponent, still inside.)

Ranma: A church...even a gaijin church, is no place for a battle,

Chagi: (walks out through the settling dust in a dramatic sillouhette)
Very well, combat under ze open sky.  (points at Ranma) I don't care
where I kill you, Saotome, just as long as you're dead.
(Ranma and Chagi begin to circle each other, staring into each other's
eyes as both try to establish mental dominance.  Then in a flash of
simultaneous movement they both charge.  Chagi goes right into a
flying dropkick, which Ranma rolls out of the way of.  As Chagi lands
he automatically sweeps his leg out to try and catch Ranma, but he has
leapt up and away.  Chagi turns and stands erect while Ranma lands and
assumes a defensive position.)

Chagi: You have actually grown better, Saotome.  Too bad it came too
late!  (he shifts his weight forward) For now I shall reveal my
little..._surprise_ to you!  (he leaps high into the air) DIEEEE!!!!
(Chagi extends his foot, revealing that there is now a sharp impaling
spike attached to the toe.  Ranma frantically dodges the blade and
reflexively lashes out with his palm at the extended leg, but again is
thwarted by Chagi's hyperfast response time.  Chagi rolls under
Ranma's thrust and wraps his legs around his opponent's waist in
preparation for a throw.  Ranma realizes this almost immediately and
rockets an elbow at Chagi's exposed back, only to have the Taiwanese
fighter release him and rake a spike across his back.  Chagi rolls
away, Ranma in too much pain to pursue-not that he's eager to get in
close while Chagi has those spikes on.)

Ranma(growls): Can't fight fair?

Chagi: Revenge doesn't care about fairness, fool.  (he again leaps
into the air) Take ZIS!
(Chagi snaps both legs over his head, and drives the toe spikes at
Ranma.  He leaps aside to avoid them, but Chagi hits him in the
shoulders with a mid-air somersault kick.  Ranma is driven to his
knees, but lashes out with a barrage of elbow jabs now that Chagi's in
close.  He manages to dodge them all and crescent kicks out, catching
Ranma with his haunch and knocking him away.  Ranma then decides to go
on the offensive, since defence hasn't worked out too well so far.
With a fierce kiai he launches a series of sweeping kicks at his
opponent.  Then Chagi responds, and boy, does he respond.  He parries
Ranma's kicks with kicks of his own, which tosses Ranma off-balance,
giving Chagi enough time to launch a revolving, flying upward sweep
kick that ends abruptly as he stops his foot right in front of Ranma's

Chagi(almost negligently): Hakutorakyaku...
(Ranma, however, gives out a great yell-of pain-as the shockwave
catches him with full force and sends him flying into the church

Chagi: (landing easily) You're finished, Saotome...

Ranma: (barely manages to keep his footing) I'm not finished yet, you

Chagi:(smiles) We shall see.

Ranma: [I've only got one trick can't fail!] (Ranma begins
to glow)
(Chagi leaps at Ranma, foot extended towards him in a vicious final
kick.  Then Ranma raises his arm and voice in what-he hopes-is the
last move of the fight.)

(Ranma's whirlwind forms, inviting Chagi to his doom.  But then he
flies to the right of the vortex, having never actually aimed his
attack at Ranma, who was apparently too tired and injured to notice.
He lands lightly and waits for Ranma to either disperse the move or
foolishly exhaust himself continuing it.  Ranma chooses the only
prudent option and drops the vortex, to be greeted by a rising tiger
spinkick that sends him bouncing across the lawn.  Ranma raises
himself-with difficulty-to his hands and knees.)

Chagi: Zis is it, Ranma!  Ze end is now!  (raises his leg) Let's see
you avoid _zis_!  BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
(Ranma sees a vision of Ukyou in Chagi's arms, crying as Chagi laughs
over Ranma's gravestone.  His face goes _hard_.)

(He leaps, pivots in midair and pushes both feet towards Ranma,
releasing the biggest shockwave yet.  This one tears apart the ground
in a wide trench and barrels at Ranma like an ICBM, but Ranma doesn't
even attempt to avoid it.  Somehow he pulls himself up and leans back,
then thursts his cupped hands forward.)

(The heavy ki sphere that forms is easily the most powerful Ranma has
ever managed.  It blows apart Chagi's wave-in a spectacular
pyrotechnic burst of light with dramatic BGM, of course-and leaves
Ranma standing, unscathed by that attack.  Chagi lands prone and gapes
at him.)

Chagi: Zis is impossible!  No one could have had ze strength left for

Ranma: (eyes narrow) I just got my second wind.
(Ukyou rounds the corner, having finally escaped her cuffs and climbed
out the window, and sees the two facing off.  Chagi has regained his
feet, but looks shaky; apparently his continual use of supermoves is
draining his strength, especially that last one.)

Ukyou: You can do it, Ranchan!
(Ranma stalks forward, an intense blue glow flaring around him.  Chagi
growls and begins to glow with his own bright yellow aura.)

Chagi(enraged): My revenge shall not be undone again!

Ranma(steady tone): Get used to it, pal.
(Chagi charges at Ranma, who dodges the first eighteen kicks-all
within the space of a heartbeat-with ease.  Then, instead of his
customary counterattack he goes on defence, and Chagi is thrown
off-balance when he crescent kicks at where he'd anticipated Ranma to
be.  Ranma takes advantage of this to push Chagi away; he was too
defensively positioned to lash out with a serious attack.  Chagi's
face becomes-if possible-even more enraged, and he instantly goes into
a Soutora Senpuukyaku, which Ranma easily rolls under.  Chagi lands
almost a dozen feet away, looking none too pleased.)

Ranma(impersonating Chagi's accent): Zis wasn't expected, was it?

(He launches three shockwaves in rapid succession, all of which Ranma
dodges.  Chagi is breathing heavily now, having used up most of his
strength in his draining-and futile-supermoves.)

Chagi(roars): I shall not be denied!
(Again Chagi charges, delivering a series of kicks so fast the human
eye can only see a blur.  Ranma merely backpeddles and rolls to the
side once Chagi's finished.  Chagi-again expecting a
counterstrike-launches a knee out, which of course misses.  Ranma
footsweepes Chagi, who barely manages to dodge, and somersaults to his
feet, a smile of pure delight on his face.)

Ranma: It's over, Chagi.

Chagi: NEVER!!!
(He launches some powerful-but hideously slow compared to his normal
attacks-kicks, all of which Ranma knocks away with contemptuous

Ranma: (as Chagi attempts to regain his breath) Are you _quite_
(Chagi roars and leaps high into a powerful overhead axe kick, just
the mistake Ranma had been waiting for.  He cups his hands, and as
Chagi reaches the top of his arc he pushes them skyward.)

(He unleashes a thick beam of blazing yellow ki.  Chagi gasps and
tries to use his spinkick to divert his path...but discovers he
doesn't have the steength left in him to perform it.  Of course, when
the blast hits Chagi is instantly knocked unconscious-barely short of
being torn apart-and is sent shooting into the stratosphere like a
blazing yellow comet.  Then once Chagi is out of sight, Ranma stops
the maneuver and falls to his knees, not in much better shape.
Ukyou-who else?-runs over to help him.)

Ranma(low, very tired voice) HA...told you...I...could beat him...
(Ranma collapses into Ukyou's arms, unconscious.)

Ukyou: (staring down at Ranma) I knew it all along...


(Scene: a street in Kyoto.  Shobayashi is walking-err...staggering
would be better-along.  He is covered in bandages and is using his
bent and twisted combat spatula as a crutch.)

Shobayashi: Kaji...
(At this point a charred Chagi drops from the heavens and falls on
Shobayashi, sending him into merciful unconsciousness.)


(Scene: the Honourable Bull, the kitchen.  Ukyou stumbles in with
Ranma, and Nodoka-who was loading the large dishwasher-gasps in

Nodoka(concerned): Ranma...what happened?
(We see the sunset outside, and then Ranma and Shobayashi's room,
where Ranma is on his futon, still unconscious.  Nodoka and Ukyou are
kneeling on either side of him.)

Ukyou: ...and then I carried him back here.

Nodoka: (leans back) I see.  (after a thoughtful pause) What Chagi did
was wrong...

Ukyou: _That's_ an understatment.

Nodoka: I'm glad you agree...  (she stands) because forcing someone
into a situation they don't want is always wrong...

Ukyou(slightly confused): Hai...

Nodoka: ...whether the force used is threat of physical injury...or
the bonds of kindness.
(Ukyou looks at Nodoka, her lower lip trembling as the implications of
that statement hit home.  Nodoka looks slightly sad, then forces a
look of casual indifference onto her face.)

Nodoka: (walking out) Think about that.
(Ukyou stares after Nodoka, tears running down her cheeks.
Unconsciously she intertwines her hand with Ranma's...)


(Scene: the following morning.  Ranma has regained consciousness, but
is still injured and seems to be most comfortable sitting down.  Ukyou
is sitting close to him as usual, but is not cooing over his injuries
like she normally would, and seems to have a faraway look on her face.
Shobayashi-in a full body cast-has been leaned against the wall and is
being spoon fed by Meushi.  Oushi is grinning broadly and patting a
similarly smiling Genma on the back.  Ryori is listening to Ranma
describe his battle with Chagi with interest, only occasionally
eating.  Shoto has apparently been threatened into silence.  Nodoka is
nowhere in sight.)

Oushi: You defended the family honour well, boy!

Genma: He is _my_ son, after all.

Ranma: (looks at Shobayashi) Shouldn't he be at the hospital or

Meushi: (dismissive gesture) Pshaw, we martial artists have something
for almost any injury.

Shobayashi(mournfully): Natsu Ka...mrpf!  (Meushi forces another
spoonful of glop down his throat, cutting him off)

Ryori: (snorts) My mother practically thinks photos steal her soul.
Hospitals are _not_ her favourite places.

Ukyou: It's just being old-fashioned, Ryori.

Ryori: More like obsessively and needlessly relying on archaic

Meushi: Ryori...

Ryori: (bows) Gomen nasai...but that type of thing annoys me.
(At this point Nodoka walks into the room with handful of parcels and

Nodoka: Mail call.  Let's see...bill, bill, bill, bill, here's your
copy of Computer Insider, Ryori...

Ryori: (take the magazine) Domo.

Nodoka: Bill, bill, bill, bill, bob, bill, bill,'s one for
you, Ranma...

Ranma: Me? (he takes it) Who would... (blinks) Akane... (excited)
Akane!  She wrote back!
(Ukyou looks like somebody just stabbed her, that's how much she

Ranma: (rips it open) I was beginning to think she wouldn't write...
(He reads, and as he does we hear Akane's voiceover.)

     Well, it certainly took you long enough to write, you baka!  Just
kidding.  I'm glad to hear you settle down for awhile, at least to
finish school.  I know you and...

Ranma: (pauses) She scratched the next part out... (continues)

     Anyway, things are different here in Nerima.  Something seems to
be...missing, you know?  The martial artists all seem to have dirfted
off...except for Ryouga.  He's stayed around and helped me fight off
the horde at school.  Oh yeah!  All of those stupid guys are attacking
me again now that you're gone.  By the way, Ryouga-kun didn't seem too
happy when I got your letter.  Maybe you should send him one too?
     Kuno is as insufferable as always, but he spends a lot of his
time wailing over his pig-tailed goddess.  I g uess you've got to feel
sorry for him.  Kodachi just stays outside the dojo all day, holding a
bouquet of roses.  I asked her about it, and she just laughed and told
me she was waiting for you and wouldn't leave until you came back.  We
set up a tent, and Kasumi feeds her.
     Shampoo spent a week trying to level Nerima, but she calmed down
recently, go figure.  You can tell Ukyou that Tsubasa left a few days
ago, swearing to find you both.  Mousse is ridiculously happy, too
caught up in joy over your departure to notice Shampoo is ignoring him
as usual, poor guy.
     I'm doing fine, but things certainly are kinda boring around her.
I never thought I'd miss [the next word is scratched out] all those
martial artists showing up and trying to rip your guts out.  I hope
you're happy in Kyoto.  Until we meet again.

Best wishes,


P.S.: When your letter arrived, I'd wondered why it took so long.  I
asked the mailman about it and he said it had arrived a few days ago.
The really funny thing is that Shampoo used to be hanging around the
dojo a lot, but she isn't anymore...strange, huh?
(Ranma puts down the letter with a frown.)

Ranma: Why would Shampoo be around the dojo?
(At this point, the answer comes through the wall in the form of a
certain purple-haired Chinese girl who glomps onto Ranma from behind,
causing his [and everyone else's] eyes to bulge.)

Shampoo(excited and happy): NIHAO!!!  Airen!

Oushi: (coated in flames) RAAAANNNNNMMMMMAAAA!!!

Ranma: (sighs) Here we go again...

                        To be continued...

Author's Postscript: So ends Chapter 4 of the continuing sage of
Ranma: The Kyoto Chronicles.  I hope this chapter helped answer a few
     First and foremost is the matter of Chagi, whom several people
who preread for me said was a "shallow rip-off of Ryouga".  As you can
see, this is not true.  Chagi is a slimeball to top all slimeballs.
He's emotionally and mentally depraved, amoral, with all the values of
pond scum.  This is a guy that is perfectly willing to ruin a young
girl's life just for shock value in his battle with Ranma.  Not to
mention he wants to _kill_ Ranma for merely bouncing off his head,
once, and without even meaning it!  Chagi _is_ a long-term rival...but
not really for Ukyou's affections.  He just wants to kill Ranma for
the sake of killing Ranma.  And the worst is yet to come... <evil

Tarou: (whacks Epsilon) That's _my_ catchphrase!

Epsilon: (looks annoyed) I wrote you!

Tarou: (walking away) So?  You just wrote me hitting you, then.
(Blade snickers.)

Epsilon: I hate psychoanalysis...

Blade: Anyway folks, for more of my brilliant writing...

Epsilon: _My_ brilliant writing...

Blade: _Our_ brilliant writing, you can contact me, Blade, the PR man

Epsilon: Or, if you want to talk to the _writer_, and not some
trumped-up typist who's obsessed with Ukyou and has a .sig longer than
some fanfics, you can e-mail me at

Blade: At least _I_ am not the most humourless person alive.

Epsilon: No, you're the most egotistical person alive.

Blade: Hey, I resent that!

Epsilon: Resemble it is more like.

Blade: Besides, Ranma's _much_ more egotistical than me...<growls>
that stupid insensitive jerk...

Epsilon: You been watching the Shampoo's jewel OAV again?

(Pulling out a sword, he runs off in the general direction of Japan.)

Epsilon: I guess that's a yes...

Handy Special Move Guide:

Hakutora Ha: White Tiger Blade


All content unless stated otherwise is ©2021 Chris McNeil. He can be contacted here. The banner picture is courtesy of Jason Heavensrun. You can find more of his stuff at Checkmate Studios.