Chapter 8: Untitled

And lo, in a sudden flash of light three people appeared
outside the Disco of Evil. They stood in the a loose
semi-circle, eyes full of courage and vigor. Nothing could
stop them from there chosen destiny. They stood together,
three bloodlines, three people.

Alucard, the bastard vampire. A man of beauty and skill and
perhaps a bit too much angst.

Bob, the naive heir. A boy with a whip. A whip he -really-
liked to use. A boy who had subscribed to whipping things
monthly without actually reading it first and thus
discovered a great many things about humanity he would
rather not have.

An Plaz... uh, the Plaz. A buxum young female mage in a
lwether thong bikini...

"EAGH!" Plaz shrieked suddenly.

"What is it young Belnades?"

"Fernander, and," Plaz explained, "It's daytime all the way
over here in america."

Bob looked over at the young mage. Who was no longer a she.
And who was still wearing a leather thong bikini. Bob
discovered more things about humanity that he would rather
not have.

"I think," said Alucard in his most dramtic fashion upon
seeing this. "That I shall throw up."

Improfanfic increasingly attempts to distance itself from

Castlevania 1970: Disco of Evil

Bubbling like noxious gas from the rancid swamp which is the
mind of:
Aaron Peori

Created By: Dan Mastriana, who should be ashamed of himself


"Now that the unpleasantness of the last fifty minutes is
over," Alucard said to his two compainions. "Let us never
speak of it again."

"Agreed," Bob and Plaz chimed in unison. Plaz was no clad in
an asexual (but very pretty) green robe.

"Now," Alucard said as he stepped up to the doors of the
Disco of Evil. "Let us unmake my father's evil plans!" He
grasped the nob with purpse and... tugged a bit before
letting go. "It is as I feared. The door is locked."

"Oh," said Plaz. "I can just blast it apart with my magic!"

"You shall not do that."

"Then I'll just whip it apart with my chain whip!" Bob said

"You shall not do that either."


"Then how are we supposed to get in?"

"We shall have to undertake an ardous quest across great
distance and many nameless villians before defeating a
sub-boss who will give us the key so that we can proceed

"Can't I just whip it once?"





"Yo Shaft," Darc said as he entered the room with three or
four hot nubile young succubi on his arms. "What is up with
this quest to destroy Amano?"

"Drac my man," said Shaft, the big black priest who's a
complicated man but never turns his back on a vampire, "It
is like this. I've tried everthing I can think of to destroy
him. I sent hordes of incompotent minions, and then I sent
hordes of incompotent minions and finally I sent hordes of
incompotent minions, but none of them worked."

"That," said Darc while coming his new 'fro. "Is most uncool
Shaft. Are you saying our minions of funk -*handjive*- and
evil can't even kill one small child?"

"That may be true," Shaft nodded. "But I have come up with a
most excellent plan that will ensure that Amano never gets a
chance to draw those pictures of you. Alloe me to introduce
our ace in the hole. A liason with the second must funky
and" he did handjive "evil organization on the planet."

And Drac turned around and resisted the urge to sweatdrop.

"Shaft," he said as he pointed at the figure standing in
stark sillohuette in the doorway. "I can't make out who it

"I know," Shaft nodded. "That's because he's a special
surprise geust villian who's identity can't be revealed at
this point due to drmatic neccesity."

"Oh, cool."


"Well now where?"

"We must discover which of my father's various boss henchman
has the key to the Disco of Evil."

"How are we supposed to figure that out?"

"Well," Alucard mused. "Ussually at this point I just wander
around aimless as all other paths but the one I need to
travel will be blocked."

"Alucard," Bob said. "That is the stupidest plan I have ever

"Hey, who's the several thousand year old kick-ass vampire
half-breed with cool oozing from his pores here?"

"I suppose you are but..."

"Wait, what is Belnades doing over there?"

"That's Fernandez!" Plaz shouted at him and continued on his
mision. He walked over to one of the hench-things gaurding
the entrance to the Disco of Evil. "Hello Mr Evil hench
monster," he winked slowly at it. "Could you do me a
-really- big favor?"

"Wow," the thing said. "You're actually talking to me?
Normally I just sit her until you attack me viciously
without provocation. This is..." his eyes began to sparkle
with tears. "I... I don't know what to say. Thank you, thank
you for treating me like a sentient being instead of a
target!" He grabbed Plaz's hand and shook it. "I'll help you
however I can."

"Can you tell us which of Dracula boss henchman has the key
to this door?"

"Well I don't know his name," the hench-thing said. "But he
lives at this address." And the thing gave an address which
the author will not bother to create because it is a minor
plot point at best.

"Thanks a bunch! You're a real pal." She turned to Bob and
Alucard. "Okay, you can kill him now."

"What?" the thing said before Bob eagerly whipped it into
pixelaed oblivion.

"Plaz," Alucard said slowly. "Remind me to talk to you about
proper vampire hunting techniques in the future."

"It worked didn't it?"

"That isn't the point!"


And so our heros made their way across the great continent
of America, throgh forests and shopping malls and endless
caverns where they fought many great adventures and at least
one of them had sex but none of it was funny so I will skip
all that and go straight to the part were they arrive in...

Los Angeles.

"This is the lair of the boss henchman?" Bob did not sound

"It is small now, but in the years to come it shall grow
into one of the most evil organizations in the world. Come,
before we are spotted."

The trio stepped under the arch upon which the words "Church
of Sceintology" had been crudely written.

"Not so fast!"

"Ah-ha!" Alucard said and pointed his sword at their enemy.
"You must be the boss henchman come to gloat over his
enivitable victory over us before dissapearing before we can

"Wait," Bob said with a gasp. "This can't be. Not you...
you're my hero. You're... John Travolta!"

And lo, in his white polyester disco suit John Travolta did
sneer at Bob Belmont. "I am no longer just John Travolta you
fool. I am John Travolta of the awakening of funk" and he
did handjive to the disco beat "and evil intent!"

"NOOOO!" Bob feel to his knees. "How could you? My hero
turned against me."

"Laugh evilly," John Travolta said. "You shall never get
this key from me. For I, and L. Ron Hubbard, will make sure
that Amano never gets a chance to draw a girlish Darcula!
Face my hordes of sciwenotology slaves, that is, if you make
it through my physics deftying deathtrap dungeoun to my
secret lair first."

And with that John Trvaolta did Disco spin himself across
space and time and away from our heros.

"How come I didn't get any dailogue in that scene," Plaz


And so it continues....

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