C&A Productions Presents
Yet another ripoff of something Alan Harnum thought up
RANMA 1/2 FOR PEOPLE WITH SHORT ATTENTION SPANS
By Chris McNeil and Aaron Peori
Blade: As we've complained about on untold forums until everybody
was heartily sick of listening to us talk, we have long felt that
the biggest problem with Ranma fanfiction is that almost nobody
takes the time to research the original series before writing.
Epsilon: The information -is- out there, but many people don't
feel like taking the time to find it, saying it's only fanfic
anyway.
Blade: These people will be the first up against the wall when
Judgement Day comes.
Epsilon: But because we're such nice guys, we decided to create
an accessible, easy to read guide for the newbie Ranma reader.
Blade: At some point in the distant future, that is. Until we do
that, however, we have distilled the 38-volume manga down into
nine pages of essential facts.
Epsilon: Read. Learn. Be Grateful.
Blade: And remember, everything in this synopsis is 100%
factually correct!
Epsilon: From a certain point of view.
Blade: Right. So, now, in order, here are the stories in the
Ranma manga...
Ranma 1/2 For People With Short Attention Spans
Based on the manga by Rumiko Takahashi. Really.
Ranma Arrives: Ranma arrives. Surprising, huh? "You're a
pervert!" said Akane, inadvertently setting her fanfic
characterisation for all time.
Ranma Goes To School: Kunou is a moron, so Ranma beats him up.
"Ouch," said Kunou.
Tofu Loves Kasumi: See title.
Ryouga Appears: Ryouga shows great promise as a barber.
Ryouga's Dark Secret: Ryouga has a dark secret. Wow. Cool.
"Bwee," said P-chan.
Kodachi Appears: Ranma looks good in a leotard. Kodachi laughs.
"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" laughed Kodachi, proving our point.
The Golden Pair: Ryouga beats up Ranma. Blade and Epsilon cheer.
"Yay!" said Blade and Epsilon.
Shampoo: Takahashi has revenge. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" wailed
Blade and Epsilon.
Ranma's Weakness: Ranma fails to become a cat-girl, but tries
really hard.
Mousse: Weirdo fails to kill Ranma. Nobody is surprised.
Phoenix Pill: Cologne is an annoying old bat. "No she isn't!"
said Alan Harnum.
Bakusai Ten Ketsu: Ryouga beats up Ranma again. Ranma runs away.
"No bias here," said Blade and Epsilon.
Martial Arts Tea Ceremony: Ranma fights a monkey. Hilarity
ensues.
Martial Arts Takeout Race: Kunou is still stupid, so Ranma beats
him up again. And feeds him soggy noodles for good measure.
Happousai Arrives: Happousai annoys Ranma, thus starting a trend.
Fake Nannichuan: Dojo Destroyer fails to be an impressive
villain. "I don't even get to star in my own story," he
complained.
Ranma And Juliet: It's better than the Leonardo Di Caprio
version. "And I'm sexier, too," said Ranma.
"Than the one who played Romeo, or the one who played Juliet?"
asked Tarou.
Japanese Nannichuan: Ranma finds possible cure, but doesn't get
it. "Hey," said Ryouga, "-I- found it...but I didn't get it
either."
"You normally don't, pig-boy," said Tarou.
Kodachi's Cookies: "Hey," said Ranma, "he doesn't show up for
another ninety-eight issues!"
"Deal with it, fem-boy."
"What about -my- story?" said Kodachi.
Oh. Kodachi makes cookies. Hilarity ensues.
Ukyou Arrives: Blade is ecstatic for weeks. "What a jackass,"
said Ukyou.
Ryouga and Akane's Date: Ryouga and Akane are happy until Ranma
interferes.
Love Pills: "I want new writers for this thing," complained
Ranma.
"Get in line," said Shampoo.
Tsubasa: Ukyou gets another story. Fanfic writers blow it all
out of proportion.
Ryouga and Yoiko: Shirokuro is barely mentioned. "Woof," the dog
whose name is not Checkers said.
Happoudaikarin: See "Happousai Arrives".
Magic Mushrooms: Akane passionately hugs Ryouga.
Super Soba: Akane becomes too much of a tomboy for her own good.
"Told ya so," gloated Ranma.
Principal Returns: Principal tries to emulate American
educational system, with predictable results.
Tardy for School: Ranma has to clean toilets. Hilarity ensues.
"I did not!" yelled Ranma.
Magic Soap: Ryouga outsmarts Ranma. Repeatedly. "Laying it on a
little thick, ain't ya?" commented Ranma.
Hiryuu Shoten Ha: Shampoo leaves. "Yay!" said Blade and Epsilon.
Bakeneko: Unfortunately, she also comes back.
Akane's Swimsuit: Akane tries to swim, but can't.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" said the Principal and Ranma, for different
reasons.
Yotarou: Yotarou's mother is a babe.
Ryouga's Mark: Ryouga is invincible. Hilarity ensues.
Santa Claus's Apprentice: Happousai corrupts youth.
Wishing Sword: Kunou makes wish. Ranma gets annoyed.
Gambling King: Ukyou gets another story, in which weirdo
outsmarts Ranma.
Dragon's Hair: Dragon hair curse gets cured. "Get it through
your skulls!" yelled Blade and Epsilon.
Onsen Race: Ryouga and Ukyou beat Ranma. "But we don't like each
other," they both say.
Picolet Chardin: Ranma is in a metal bustier. "What a pervert,"
said Soun, in his French maid outfit.
Nabiki is Ranma's Fiancee: Nabiki screws up. Repeatedly. "This
won't affect how I'm portrayed in fanfic, though," she gloated.
Panda Ghost: Poor art ruins story.
Pantyhose Tarou: "What are we going to say about this?" said
Epsilon. Blade babbled for the next fifteen minutes. "That
should do," Epsilon nodded.
Watermelon Island: Kunou beats Ranma. "This is -really- getting
tiresome," said Ranma.
Secret Sauce: Ranma is a jerk. Blade gloats. "You could at
least mention me," said Ukyou, and was immediately gratified.
Happousai Returns: This is getting redundant.
Paper Dolls: Gosunkugi makes a surprise appearance.
Secret Medicine: Happousai and Ranma learn to bond.
Shishi Hokodan: "I think we've about milked the Ryouga beats up
Ranma joke by now," said Epsilon.
"No we haven't," said Blade.
"Yes you have," said Ranma.
Curse of the New Year's Bell: New Years occurs. "That makes
twice," said Akane.
"How come we're not older?" said Ranma.
"Please mention me," said the Bakeneko.
Ranma and Gyouko: Ranma shows interest in older men.
Kodachi's Album: Ranma puts on a puppet show for reasons you
wouldn't expect.
Ranma vs. Genma: Ranma relives childhood fears.
Sakura-mochi no Koi: Proof that Ryouga and Akane are destined to
be. "I wish to lodge a formal complaint," said Ranma.
Mariko: Ranma fights to win Kunou's love. "I'm -serious-,"
threatened Ranma.
Nodoka Arrives: Ranma's mother is a babe too.
Reversal Jewel: Nothing important happens in this story.
Bloomer Ghost: Ranma helps Happousai steal panties.
Ranma pursues legal action.
Pantyhose Tarou Returns: Jyusenkyou guide really screws up.
Blade gibbers in orgasmic ecstacy.
Yohyou: Who?
Ranma/Akane Cooking: Akane demonstrates her learning curve.
Koi Fishing Rod: Ranma falls in love with Ryouga. Hilarity
ensues. "I beg to differ," said Ryouga.
Gosunkugi's Battlesuit: Gosunkugi gains weight; loses it
suddenly.
Musk Dynasty: Jokes about breasts are made. Mysterious figure
defenestrates Akane to prove what a vicious bastard he is. More
jokes about breasts are made. Ryouga gets killed. Breast jokes
abound. Magic teakettle saves day. "I do not like breast
jokes," said Herb.
Ms. Hinako: Ranma is accused of being a pedophile.
Ryugenzawa: We forget.
Hinako and Soun: Soun gets accused of being a pedophile too.
Joketsuzoku Glasses: Mousse is a dishonourable loser. "Ranma
started it," he protested.
Ocean Hellhound: Kunou looks like a freak and spoils our day.
Cursed Love-destroying Cave: Shampoo does not appear in this
story. "Yay!" said Blade and Epsilon.
Test Results: Ranma shows unusual interest in schoolwork.
Ryuu Kumon: Dark, brooding, angst-filled martial artist nearly
kills Ranma and threatens his mother. Hilarity ensues.
Ranma's Tears: Ranma blubbers like a baby. "I'm going to hunt
you down," he said.
Kunou's Phoenix: More impressive phoenix appears later.
Pink and Link: Takahashi blatantly steals anime idea. "But we're
more interesting, over," they say.
Evil Oni: Ryouga is heartbroken. Nobody cares.
Kinnosuke: Nabiki outsmarts man who talks compulsively to a
puppet. "How impressive," said Epsilon.
Ryouga's Spring: Akari engages in masochistic activities with
sumo pig.
Anger Medicine: Genma resembles Dragonball Z character.
Fighting Fish: Fan service.
Kunou's Cherry Tree: Kunou suffers from demonic possession.
Hilarity ensues.
Ranma's Cold: Ranma gets really hot when Nodoka shows up.
Cursed Spatula: Ukyou's friends are too involved in their work.
Happy and Lucky: Ranma beats up small child for making pictures
of butterflies. "But he deserved it!" Ranma protested.
Ryouga's Double Date: Akane shows remarkable resemblance to giant
sumo pig.
Magic Umbrella: Nabiki shows remarkable resemblance to
prostitute. "Ranma-kun, I have the name of a good lawyer," she
said.
Swimming Classes: Kasumi shows remarkable resemblance to somebody
who isn't in this story. Ms. Hinako and Akane engage in
delinquent behaviour.
Magic Noodle: Cologne remains an annoying old bat. "I'm pursuing
legal action," said Alan Harnum.
Cursed Doll: Akane is of two minds over doing a striptease.
Castaway Classroom: Akane suffers from deja vu.
Pantyhose Tarou and Rouge: Blade suffers epileptic fit. Attempts
at cooperation between Ranma and Tarou lead directly to quest for
world domination.
Asuka of the White Lilies: Ranma makes patently untrue claims.
Battle Dougi: Akane gains power from perverted impulses.
Densuke: Ranma dresses up for sick little boy.
Kasumi Gets Angry: Everybody notices that Kasumi is hot.
Aging Mushrooms: Ranma and Ryouga work up a great deal of energy
together in dark, confined place. "They're so cute!" said Akane.
Kami Mimic: Monster impersonates Shampoo. Mousse can't tell
difference.
Shinto Shrine: Ranma runs afoal of the gods. "Groan," said Blade.
Ranma's Coat: Ranma's secret almost gets revealed to his
mother...but doesn't.
Ukyou and Hayato: Ukyou's enemies are also too involved in their
work.
Magic Plant: Tyrannical plant makes Tendo household more
cheerful.
Valentine's Day: Small girl stalks Ranma.
Hinako vs. Principal: Academic disagreement results in
student/teacher bonding.
Bust Battle: Akane's fashion sense leaves much to be desired.
Akane's Dream: Ukyou also wears metal bustier. Less people
complain.
Smiling Three-Year Death: Joketsuzoku custom results in untimely
demise. Hilarity ensues.
Double Ranma: Ranma pursues relationship with boys. Ryouga gets
confused.
Nabiki's Ticket: Ranma brutalizes Nabiki. "She made me do it!"
he protested.
Konatsu: Young boy's parents die. Hilarity ensues. "I am also
too involved in my work," said Konatsu.
Night at the Fair: Japanese customs translate poorly. "We're
confused," said Blade and Epsilon.
Jellyfish King: Ranma places second in swimming race with Akane.
Ryouga and Akari's Date: Ryouga has trouble separating fantasy
and reality. "I don't mind," said Akari.
Nodoka and Ranma: Nodoka approves of her son's decision to turn
into a woman.
Ukyou's Restaurant: Ranma and Konatsu crossdress to please Ukyou.
"This is your last warning," Ranma said.
The Phoenix Saga: Story about great heat involving a naked Akane,
Shampoo raping Ranma, Ryouga and Akari's relationship, and
Saffron shooting out white gook while going through puberty.
"You didn't mention Kiima," said a disappointed Alan Harnum.
The Wedding: Unfortunately, the authors were unable to write this
synopsis, having vanished mysteriously one night, leaving only
behind the following cryptic note:
"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
-R."
